Man realises his first read of Harry Potter was actually something far more NSFW instead.

Only 20 years late to the party, Chris Chappell decided it was finally time to sit down and read the glorious tale of Harry Potter and his adventures at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Things were going well until he reached the fifth book in the series, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

It was then Chappell began to notice some rather peculiar plot points.

So Chappell texted his friend, Shelley Zhang, for clarification—and accidentally created the most hilarious Twitter thread of all time.

You see, unbeknownst to poor, innocent Chappell, he was actually reading a poorly written, sex-filled fan version of the book rather than the real thing.

Whoops.

Friend is reading Harry Potter for the first time. He suddenly realizes he’s read a fanfiction Order of the Phoenix instead of the real one. pic.twitter.com/tKNgT6usi6

— Shelley Zhang (@shelzhang) July 10, 2017

Things begin simply enough At first, Chappell notes his confusion over the fate of Dudley (Harry’s Muggle cousin), asking Zhang if he was cursed and made to jump off a building.

Her answer?

“What the heck, no…That never happened in the books.”

Okay, simple enough mistake to make. But then things get really, really weird.

“The scenes where Harry and Hermione get intimate?”

via GIPHY

Yeah, sorry, Chappell, but that doesn’t happen.

Neither does the part where Ginny and Draco fake a rape scene, because… THIS IS A CHILDREN’S BOOK.

Cue Chappell’s entire Harry Potter world crashing down.

I had to burst his bubble about Ginny and Draco, unfortunately. pic.twitter.com/DKKdC5jdA4

— Shelley Zhang (@shelzhang) July 10, 2017

Yes, hindsight is 20/20 pic.twitter.com/PNeime0Ceq

— Shelley Zhang (@shelzhang) July 11, 2017

Over a series of hilarious text messages, Chappell quickly learns that:

a) Draco does not attempt suicide after his mother disowns him.
b) The book does not begin with Hermione sending Harry a sexy bikini pic.
c) Dumbledore does not have a twin who may or may not enjoy getting intimate with goats.
d) Harry does not have a pet snake called Cassandra (or Sandy, for short), and
e) Harry does not transform into a flying lion so Hermione can gloriously ride him off into the sunset.

via GIPHY

“I…can’t believe you thought this was real,” Zhang writes, echoing what every single person who’s ever read J.K. Rowling’s masterpieces is thinking right now.

“For future reference, there is no sex in the Harry Potter books.”

Here’s hoping Chappell enjoys the real version of the story just as much.

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