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The music is intense. The constant dial tone of a phone is anxiety-inducing. The narrator and producers sound stressed.
And it's all because... Ben has gone missing?
Uh, Ben has been missing essentially every episode besides the commitment ceremonies since we met him. It's fine. I believe we all actually prefer it that way.
We're allegedly halfway into this year's experiment.
This news does not bode well for every couple, besides Eden and Jayden. They discuss making it this far "unscathed", completely skipping over that whole 'he got revenge on a cheating ex by f***ing her friend while she watched' thing.
But I simply cannot forget. It is burnt into my brain.
Sara and Tim are also going well. Plus, Tristan and Cass are going as well as they can following Tristan writing 'leave'.
Those who are not doing well include Lauren and Jonathan, because Lauren feels like Jonathan prioritises keeping the peace and his friendship with Jack (a red flag in and of itself!) over supporting her.
Yes, we've seen this argument at least three times now. But it's worth it for this:
"One comment, 'oh mate c'mon you can't say that', is not enough when some dude with a tight man-bun and jeans three sizes too small is going at me," she says.
IS SHE WRONG?
Jonathan is annoyed at himself and promises to do better the next time Jack is a dirtbag. So probably in, like, 10 minutes.
Meanwhile, Jack and Tori have resolved their issue — of Tori finally realising he's a bit of a d*ck — by... getting matching tattoos?
I love when people on this show make responsible choices.
Same
The manhunt for Ben is over, by the way. I know we were all really worried.
He wants to come back and chat to Ellie. After a nap.
Ellie says she does not feel like a priority for him, which makes sense because she is not a podcast.
Lucinda Light and Timothy are also Not Great. We know this because Lucinda is looking down, sitting alone, in a giant scarf.
In case it is not clear
The intruder couples are moving into their apartments.
And Ridge feels very warm and fuzzy. He and Jade feel confident after seeing the absolute garbage fires that are many other matches. Honestly, so fair.
SPEAKING OF.
Despite writing 'stay' at the commitment ceremony, Ash has realised he doesn't want to spend his life surrounded by gossiping ghosts.
He and Madeleine have come to a mutual decision to leave. He says he still wants a serious committed relationship, so he definitely shouldn't come back next year. This is not the place to come for... that. But still, Justice for Ash! Bring him back! Match him with quite literally anyone else!
We... do not get to say goodbye to Madeleine. Or her ghosts.
And look, I get it, but this brings an end to my ghost jokes and frankly I was having a lot of fun with them.
We never even found out what happened at the debutant ball :(
It's Family and Friends Week.
This is exciting for a couple of reasons. John Aiken says it's because the goal is to help the couples reflect on their journey so far with the help and support of people who know and love them. We also get to see Cass' dad again! But mostly it's because we get to see sassy parents or besties roast people.
Right on queue, Tori's best friend Lea has returned. She was the one who smelled Jack's sh*t from the moment she met him.
Jack says he felt emotional watching Tori and Lea reunite.
But he did not feel emotional watching Tori and Lea reunite.
Not one ounce of feeling and yet still slightly better acting career prospects than Collins
Wait.
Then Lea calls him Jacob.
I implore you to Google that. Please enjoy the deep rabbit hole of a StarNow profile and an 'emo past'.
WHY DO PEOPLE NOT SCRUB THE INTERNET BEFORE GOING ON THESE SHOWS
Lea just straight up says Jack/Jacob looks like a f***boy, and she figured he was hiding something from the moment she met him.
And she wants to unpack his misogyny.
He tries to explain himself and Lea LAUGHS.
An icon! A legend! The moment!
She then asks them about the sex.
But there is, as we know, no sex.
"Coming into this, sex wasn't at the forefront of my mind," says the man whose intro package included footage of him describing himself as "very sexually active" and "a dominant lover", with a strange ice-cream in the microwave analogy that means he is freaky deaky.
Lea is shook.
She leaves and both Tori and Jack feel confident in how it went.
They shouldn't. Lea was diplomatic, but she clearly hated that man.
ANYWAY LOOK WHO IS BACK, BACK AGAIN. Congrats to Mitch on his bonus screen time! He's quite literally from two seasons ago and he's already had more screen time than Ellie and Ben this year.
Actually. Wait.
Was Madeleine's ghost just him all along?
Someone get the sage!!!!!!
Jayden and Eden have travelled to the Goldie to see their family and continue to brag about being the strongest couple. Unlike everyone else who says it, they are not delusional!
Jade and Ridge are enjoying their crash course in the experts' highly questionable methods.
They have been given the confession letter task.
Jade cries as she recounts her experience becoming a single mother when her boyfriend cheated on her during her pregnancy, and Ridge is really lovely in response. He also reckons Jade's ex should give himself an uppercut. Which in this instance is also... really lovely. I was thinking worse!
Meanwhile, Stephen and Michael are instructed to hug.
They like it.
Groundbreaking
The next morning, Jade's abandonment issues get the better of her and she expresses her worries to Ridge, who tells her she is everything he could possibly want in a partner and he isn't going anywhere.
NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS DID I EXPECT SUCH WONDERFUL, REASSURING WORDS FROM THE MAN WHO YELLS 'DEECE' AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY.
Ffs but also yes
Lucinda Light says her and Timothy's relationship is less like a sail through the Greek islands and more like a sail through the Baltic oceans on a windy, stormy night.
She is the most poetic person I know, and I don't even actually know her.
She hopes they can move into calmer waters with the help of their family and friends, and also her crystal.
Tough gig
Timothy is feeling less positive. Yes, that is an evergreen sentence.
Lucinda Light's parents are in town and they are just as iconic as I remember.
On the way to meet them, Timothy is very grumpy. It is very unbecoming but not surprising. And I have to admit, calling Jayden 'Fabio' did make me laugh.
Lucinda Light says they've had a rough week, but darling, you've had a rough... every week. They talk about their issues, and Lucinda Light says the words "sexually attractive" at a table with her parents.
"Have you tried to work on that sexual attraction?" her dad and his incredibly on-brand orange suit ask Timothy.
HER DAD ASKS THAT. IN CASE THAT WASN'T CLEAR.
They hash out the same issues out for the 40th time. Or, well, Timothy does. He just keeps saying the same thing over and over. And his friend cries over how this kind of reaction is a trauma response from a hurt person.
SIGH.
Then Father Light and his orange suit step up to the plate.
He pulls Timothy aside. Before we dive into it, I would just like to know WHERE AND WHY:
????????????
WHO DRAGGED THE STOOLS DOWN THERE?
WAS THERE NOT JUST ANOTHER TABLE NEARBY?
Father Light and his orange suit say Timothy is a brick and a wall, which together make a brick wall. Then they MOCK HIM AND CALL HIM BORING.
"I'm getting pissed off listening about that, you know what I mean? From my point of view you need to not get your tits in a tangle sometimes and pull your finger out."
LOL.
TIMOTHY LOVES IT.
Either he thinks it's the best advice ever, or he just likes the word tits.
School kids after typing 58008 into their calculator and turning it upside down:
He concedes that he is not going to get anything out of the experiment unless he drops his grudge, and he says he is going to have a "chat" with Lucinda Light later.
Father Light and his orange suit encourage him to go further than that.
"It could be a one-night stand, could be anything, just try it."
This man explains so much about Lucinda Light and we must protect them BOTH at all costs.
Timothy also really likes that one, by the way.
Look at that smile!
They wipe the slate clean, thanks to Timothy's friend quite literally coaching him into giving an apology.
Baby steps!
Like, tiny little ant babies!
But still! They're technically still moving forward, and all it took was a couple of tit jokes.
See you tomorrow.
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Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.
Feature image: Nine.
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