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Only four hours — of yelling, crying and the worst smug face we've ever had the misfortune of watching — stand between us and freedom.

Can you believe it?

The recap sequence reminds us of the good and the bad from this year'sMAFSexperiment: from Josh's truly spectacular "HALLELUUUUJAH", to the early days when Alyssa believed what Duncan told her.

And then the preview segment warns us that we're probably about to hear far too much about Cameron's penis.

The narrator says this has been one of the most remarkable experiments to date, and would we say that? I mean, no one even threw a fruit bowl.

Melinda and Layton are still together and now they only argue three or four days a week. And Tahnee and Ollie are obviously still the cutest people of all time.

Everyone else is gearing up to fight and SAME.

I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THE FIGHTS.

Everyone gets re-introduced, and it takes far, far too long, but the key takeaways:

- Melissa is keen to hook-up

- Jesse bursts everyone's eardrums but also wants to hug Claire

- Alyssa thinks Duncan was being dishonest, despite him being nothing but honest

- CAM'S BEEN SENDING PICS OF HIS D*CK TO TAYLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The experts are bloody frothing at the prospect of drama, and maybe some of the cast having "some positive evolution".

Hahahahaha.

No.

Disney daddy Josh is back in comfortable shoes and comfortable pants, because comfort is the key to truly enjoying chaos and scandal.

Jesse is still yelling and BUDDY, PLEASE. IT'S VERY LOUD.

He arrives first and begins dishing out hugs and backhands to the air.

Lyndall and Sandy arrive before Tahnee and Ollie, who everyone rightly fangirls over.

John Aiken says their relationship proves "there is love out there", and I like that even he is shocked at a genuineMAFSsuccess story.

Alyssa is still going on about wanting answers about why Duncan strung her along, even though he did not string her along.

She fills in the other women about Duncan being a dog and they definitely do not believe her.

Right on cue, theMAFSunicorn arrives looking very unicorny.

He greets everyone, including Alyssa, who makes a yuck face behind his back.

She says he gives her the ick because he asked her how she was going.

Claire arrives, she and Jesse have a huge hug and WHY AM I STILL INTO THE IDEA OF THESE THOROUGHLY INCOMPATIBLE PEOPLE BEING TOGETHER.

GODDAMN IT.

Next, the cars carrying Cam and Hugo race to the entrance.

Cam wins and ignores Lyndall completely, then insists that he and Tayla are just mates.

Bronte is positively thriving after spending time away from Harrison.

And to be honest, I have never related to anything more. The sun has been shining. My skin is glowing. My world has felt at peace.

Then, right on cue, storm clouds appear. Terrifying string music begins.

And in walks the worst person we all don't actually know personally.

Harrison questions the vibe and Rupert says it's because of him and sometimes, I love clueless, filter-free Rupert with my whole heart. This is one of those moments.

Horned up Mel is SHOCKED that non-horned up Mel and Layton are still together, and concludes it must be down to really good make-up sex.

We can only dream of being so consistent in our personalities as darling Melissa.

Hugo arrives with zero worries until Lyndall pulls him aside to spill the penis-related beans.

He wonders why he even bothered trying with Tayla and TRULY, BUDDY, WE DON'T KNOW EITHER.

The best part of this entire thing is that Josh is there, just listening.

Tayla is the last to arrive and can someone tell me why we are HALF WAY THROUGH THE DINNER PARTY EPISODE AND THE DINNER PARTY HASN'T ACTUALLY STARTED.

Cam gets up to greet her and EVERYONE WATCHES AS THEY HUG AND... TOUCH ARMS.

It's been 84 years, but finally, it is dinner time.

After too many shots of people chewing on sausage, Melinda clinks her glass to question Cam and Tayla.

HERE WE GOOOOOOOO.

WE CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON MEL.

Cam says they had "friendly banter" because he's a "friendly person". No word on whether that includes his d*ck or not, but I reckon it does!

Harrison tries to defend Cam by saying he's talked to other women in the experiment — GOD, I FEEL FOR THEM — but Lyndall says Cam made jokes to Tayla about HAVING THREESOMES SO IT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

Cam's like I WAS JUST JOKING WHY CAN NO ONE HAVE A JOKE ANYMORE.

Tayla then says "she'd be keen" to kiss Cam BUT ALSO SHE IS JOKING, SHE'S JOKING! COME ON CHILL OUT GUYS, SHE'S JOKING!

Look at these two trying their best to establish a reality TV star to comedian pipeline. I am sure it will work out well for them.

"I mean, um, it really kinda goes as far as we're friends," Tayla explains. "I saw his c*ck".

John Aiken's reaction is almost a play-by-play parody of the Dr Phil shook meme andTHATIS COMEDY.

The table tells Tayla she probably shouldn't shout the word "c*ck" in front of Lyndall and she takes the feedback on board, calling it a "willy" in her piece-to-camera.

Cam says he was naked in a nightclub in front of "every other man and his dog" but he sees no issue with this. And also, he reckons Lyndall should go work at Disneyland or something.

YES HELLO POLICE I WOULD LIKE TO REPORT PUBLIC INDECENCY BUT ALSO AN ABSOLUTE SH*THEAD OF A MAN.

Lyndall shifts the conversation from Cam's actual d*ck to how much of one he is, and we love Lyndall self-love moment around here.

Unfortunately, we must now move onto Harrison.

And he's come with literal, printed off receipts of Instagram messages Bronte sent Abby, the woman he was 'seeing' before his fake wedding.

Somehow, between the promotional trailer and now, his receipt has had a chunk cut out of it. I have many questions but the answer to all of them is... 'reality' TV.

He says Bronte went looking for something she could bring to the reunion to make him look bad and I'M CACKLING BECAUSE THERE IS NO ONE LESS SELF-AWARE ON THIS EARTH.

"If you put half the effort you put into this into actually working on yourself, where you could be," he says.

Which is TRULY UNHINGED but also doesn't really make much sense. He definitely missed a word or two from that sentence and maybe he should've practised it in the mirror a couple more times.

"Harrison, you need to hire a f***ing builder for all the work you need to do on yourself," Caitlin fires back.

Everyone at the table laughs and

THIS!

IS!

THE!

BEST!

He says he has printed proof if anyone wants to see and everyone CACKLES at this neatly folded up piece of evidence.

There is nothing incriminating in the messages but the entire group thinks the fact that they exist in a physical form is the funniest thing to have ever happened.

Cam has turned the Very Important Evidence into a paper airplane, and Ollie offers to rap the context of the messages.

But Harrison, now a very bright shade of pink, reckons it's "over now" andthank f***.

He has no control in this room anymore — in fact, he's the literal laughing stock.

AND IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

It's time to focus on the two successful couples, "for as long as we can", expert Mel says.

And by that, she means like idk maybe one minute tops?

They suggest maybe a spark could still develop between Jesse and Claire and NOPE I'm going to need them to stop giving us false hope.

Oh.

No.

It's time.

Time for Alyssa to accuse Duncan of being a liar even though we all know that Duncan is not a liar.

Duncan tells Melinda and Layton he tried reaching out to Alyssa after their disastrous final vows and she says he Googled what to say to her but she doesn't remember what it was.

He starts to repeat it back and she corrects him on the wording, which is objectively a pretty weird thing for someone who doesn't remember the message to do.

Alyssa says she wants him to speak but then clicks her fingers. And interrupts him. And gives precisely 36 other hints that she does not actually want him to speak.

Alyssa gets up from the table crying, saying he led her on despite knowing she was sacrificing time with herchildto be there.

She leaves but quickly returns because she doesn't want Duncan to "run the narrative".

She asks when he knew their relationship would not work, and he says after a bad final dinner party and final date, plus ya know... everything else, he realised they weren't made for each other.

The scene goes quiet. Reflective music plays. The heads around the table nod. The experts talk about how genuine and