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John Aiken spying on me from a cupboard...

But it wasn’t just a bad dream.

David smooshed faeces on her toothbrush and then she brushed her teeth five or so times and maybe her throat is a little itchy but is she just imagining it? And since WHEN did Hayley’s HEALTH become just another PLOT POINT in this godforsaken mess?

Over in Aleks and Evarn’s apartment, Evarn asks no one in particular, “Are we the only sane people in this experiment?” and surprisingly, it would appear.... yes. And no one, least of all us, expected that.

Aleks says this experiment has grown adults behaving like animals in a zoo, and we'd like to point out that even fairly primitive animals don't secretly cover each other's toothbrushes in poo. At least they fling it at each other, publicly, so they know it's coming.

Meanwhile, David is telling the camera that “there’s no doubt in my mind” that Hayley and Michael kissed so, yeah, she deserved the toothbrush ‘prank’ and sweetie, no. That’s not… it.

STOP we've all been infected

Getting ready for tonight, Michael seems to think he's a gentleman because, given he cheated on Stacey, he's going to write 'leave' and give her the ultimate say in whether their relationship is over.

But mate, that's not even a choice you'd have to make if you just stopped getting drunk and doing stupid sh*t?? So like, no one's going to give you a pat on the back??

'Don't see how it would work tho....'

“At the dinner party, we saw couples in crisis,” John says and OK. Let’s be honest. What we saw was a toothbrush with poo on it be thrown across the table.

That’s what we… saw.

“First up, we’ve got Aleks and Evar…” John begins before Trish rudely interjects “HOW’S THE INTIMACY” andcool it Trish. Jesus, they haven’t even stood up yet.

Josh and Cathy have hated each other for 7 days now, and yes, we know there's been a lot going on but honestly, John, your current workload includes one unhelpful Commitment Ceremony per week, could you not have maybe sensitively gauged the gossip from one of the dozens of people who are employed to work on this series?

'You literally work two hours a week and for one of them you're hiding in a cupboard.'

U seem to misunderstand our jobs here

You should be very proud.

...Immediately.

Steve says his relationship has progressed since the wedding, thank you very much, and he shan't be pressured into having sex just because it would benefit his son, professionally.

Ultimately, John demands that Steve touch Mishel more at dinner parties, specifically on her arm/s.

And you wonder why these relationships fail and drive people to acts of brutality.

BUT IT’S STACEY AND MICHAEL’S TURN AND WE NEED SILENCE.

Michael says he wants to apologise to Stacey, David and the experts for his behaviour, even though he denies, categorically, that he did anything wrong.

But Stacey is alawyer.And as a lawyer, you must take a very special approach to reality TV cheating scandals. It's Hayley's word against Michael's, she explains, even though technically Michael doesn't have a word because he blacked out so often he has no recollection of what happened.

Suddenly, Mishel... loses it.

"YOU'RE FULL OF SH*T," she continues. "I'm bored sh*tless listening to your bullsh*t," she shouts andMishel, you know Steve hates it when you swear, but also, pls go on.

Once Mishel has... calmed herself, Stacey announces that she's chosen to leave.

But Michael has decided that once you've broken someone's trust, cheated on them and lied so often that the truth has become nothing but a hypothetical prospect, there's only one thing left to do: force them to stay with you