I'll be honest – by this point I've run out of ways to validate our collective shock and dismay, so as we wade through this episode, all I can really offer is: I feel your pain, and good luck out there.

In case you blacked it out, last night's Final Test invited our participants to either honour their already-questionable vows or interview a "better" match. Some passed with flying colours ( Stella, Filip, Rachel, Steve), some fled the scene (David and Scott), and some willingly chose darkness and chaos (Alissa, Bec, Gia).

Watch: MAFS and the question of sexual chemistry. Post continues below.

As for Danny, it's not clear whether he passed or failed, just that he had a wonderful time, made many new lady friends and " fought like a man" – whatever the hell that means. 

The whole thing was supremely awkward to watch. But it seems we have not suffered enough because now we must watch them watch what we watched. And apparently this is peak Australian TV. 

Back in their apartments, the debriefs begin. For Rachel and Steve, the task was a breeze. Same with Filip and Stella. Boundaries were drawn from the start, relaxed chats were had. Stella even joked with her match that he'd been "stitched up" before proceeding to enjoy her lunch. Good healthy stuff.

Scott also has a clean conscience after immediately absconding from his date. Gia is delighted to hear it. "I'm glad he didn't sit there and even have a conversation," she says. 

Right. Because that would've been totally unacceptable.

When it's her turn, Gia claims all the girls behaved perfectly. Her guy just would not stop, she says. He was all over her. She told him she was in love with her husband, told him to back off, made it very clear she doesn't flirt or cheat.

And just to confirm: that is one hundred per cent NOT what happened.

Scott – who now looks like a man several losses deep at the casino – says he trusts her completely. But if he ever saw her flirting? "It would not be good."

Cue the iPads. Each participant must now watch their partner's behaviour and, crucially, compare it to the version they were just fed. This, we're told, is about loyalty and trust, not madness and mayhem.

Yeah, sure it is.

First up to view their tapes are Alissa and David. He's freaking out because the task was about exploring whether the grass is greener elsewhere, and he's unsure how Alissa might've responded. Her spine is straight because everybody "networks" in the real world. No harm in chatting. Or casually unpacking your failing marriage with a hot stranger you've been told you're highly compatible with.

"Why aren't they doing the task?" says Alissa, watching as David and Scott leave the lunch table. "They're ridiculous."

Her own footage rolls. On the screen, she tells her match that David's welcome to go on a date with someone else because she's not "certain". He, however, won't be pleased that she's doing the same.

"I actually don't care if my husband comes for me," she says. "He can… but he ain't coming for me, because he wants me." 

She then toasts to "greener grass" and invites the guy to drop his pants to check for tattoos.

David is mortified. "She digs in with this guy, finds out his star sign, finds out what he does – she is trying to see if the option is better. I feel like I've been fooled."

Fair call.

Their debrief is wild. Alissa finds the whole thing hilarious. David is deadly serious. She tells him to lighten up. He calls out her double standards. Would it have been okay for him to have asked his match to pull down her underwear?

She gets defensive. "I'll own it. That's just how I was feeling. I did nothing wrong. I'm proud of myself."

It's a splendid example of weaponised self-validation – something we've seen a few times now. When the boys get on the couch to share their feelings (the most appropriate and safest place to do so, as David quite rightly points out), they're exaggerating, blindsiding and just plain wrong. When the girls stuff up, they have every right to their reactions and their partners can just suck it up. Not cool.

The real kicker comes when David tries to de-escalate by stepping away, and Alissa gets her rage on. He hasn't been real with her. He's wasted her time. He threw her under the bus. (Sidenote: if I hear that goddamn phrase one more time, I will personally drive the bus.)

David stays beautifully calm and reasonable throughout. "All I wanted was for you to recognise that I'm hurt."

Her rationale? "Hurt people, hurt people."

No, honey, stop, we've covered this. Do you really want to follow Gia's example right now? 

She is entirely unresponsive to his perspective. Her walls go up and the claws come out. This from the woman who repeatedly begged to be challenged. 

David walks out. "I'm done. I deserve better. I'm not going to final vows." And more power to him. He does deserve better. We all do. 

Then – get this – Alissa follows him out the door, down the corridor and throws her ring at him before fleeing via the fire escape.

Stay classy, Adelaide. 

Truly, I have been rooting for Alissa all season. But this? I can't unsee it. I, too, feel fooled. And at this rate, I won't be going to final vows either. 

Moving from one absolute mess to another, things are looking all kinds of ropey over at Scott and Gia's place. With just two days to go, Gia has decided AGAIN that she will no longer be participating. She doesn't want to do the next task, or go to final vows. Her bags are packed and it's all over. "We just need to get the f*ck out," she says. 

Scott offers to leave with her. They arrange to meet at a bar for "one last date" – why, I have no idea, this makes no sense to me. But upon arrival, Scott suddenly changes his mind. Standing on a street corner with a skeleton camera crew, he says he wants to stay in the experiment and leave "properly" because "they're a good couple".

Within seconds, Gia is storming out of the bar with Scott chasing her, and two junior producers chasing him. "You never gave a f*ck about me," she rants. "If you're not coming with me then let's break up right now." 

He begs her to stay. She accuses him of needing the camera time for the next three days. He says he just wants to stick it out with her. She rips him a new one, calls an Uber, and disappears into the wind, leaving him sobbing.

Her motives? Unconfirmed. But with James's number in her pocket, the footage pending, and Final Vows looming, I think we can all do the maths.

Oh, guys, the vibe is so bleak – and not even Rachel and Steve frolicking like children at Luna Park can rescue it.

And it only gets worse. Scott returns to the apartment to find Gia's ring on the kitchen bench. The producers push him for more emotional reactions. How do you feel, Scott? And now? And now? And now? The poor lad needs electrolytes and a warm blanket, not follow up questions and a camera in his face.

Danny and Bec are next to watch their tapes, and the results are fairly predictable. She preemptively panics, but ultimately decides that he passed the test. He, however, has notes. He didn't love her discussing their sex life in graphic detail – "a bit full on," he says.

"Okay," she smirks, like a Year 9 caught vaping.

Then he brings up Gia, James and the phone number. Bec claimed she took it because it was forced on her. It was not. "You sort of encouraged cheating."

He doesn't even touch on the Temu Connor comments, the penis gags, or the barefaced mockery of his shirt – which, let's face it, wasn't great, but do we really need to be laughing behind his back?

Naturally, she goes off on one. Why does it matter? It's someone else's relationship! But as always, the problem isn't the root issue – it's the reaction that follows. Same pattern. Different couple. This show is Groundhog Day with better hair and make-up.

Anyway, you'll never guess what she does next – no, really, it's totally out of character. She walks out. I know. Shocking. Unprecedented.

"I don't love Bec, but I treat her better than that," says Danny, left alone in the apartment yet again. "It's crazy how these women want good husbands, but they're all sh*t wives. Terrible."

The venom with which he says this is quite something to behold.

We get a quick breather in the form of Stella and Filip's wholesome last date aboard a boat. They cuddle, they swim, they drink champagne, they laugh. Filip even pole dances. And yes, the setting is romantic, but they almost seem oblivious. "You could put me in a shack with him and I'd be fine," says Stella. "When you know, you know."

Oh, to finish on this delightful love-soaked high. Love wins. Roll credits. We all leave happy.

But no, absolutely not. 

Because even though Scott has been broken several times over, production aren't done with him yet. There's a knock at the apartment door. Scott answers to find an iPad with an accompanying note: "PRESS PLAY, SCOTTY." It's a horror film, but make it Channel 9.

He watches. And, of course, it's awful.

"That," he says, once he reaches the end, "is f**king putrid. Disgusting. Embarrassing."

Yep. Hard agree. All of the above.

Suddenly, Gia's exit suddenly makes perfect sense. "She was scared for me to see what she actually just did. The truth always comes out in the end. This is Gia. This has been Gia the whole time."

And then he collapses. "I just got f**ked," he says, fully sobbing. "For three months. She used my money, she used my life. She just ruined me. And this happens to me with everyone. And the more money I make, the more used I get, because I give so much. I'm too easy to win. I'm never gonna let this happen again."

It's deeply messy. And really quite sad.

Because actually, there's a lot to unpack here. We're seeing exactly what rigid gender roles do to people – how the pressure on men to 'provide' ends up screwing everyone, not just women. These so-called ideals don't build strength; they erode self-worth. And chasing validation through them is a fast track to misery.

But that's a bigger conversation for another day.

Right now, I need to lie down in a dark room and stare at the ceiling.

Reset overnight, everyone. We go again tomorrow.

Feature image: Nine.