Right, there's a lot to wade through tonight, so let's get straight into it.

In the aftermath of the Commitment Ceremony, several couples are stuck in emotional purgatory. Alissa is spiralling over the fact that David finally voiced concerns on the couch – issues he hadn't raised before – and now she's questioning whether she even knows him. 

"I want to know you, I want to hear you, I want to know your thoughts," she says, speaking right over the top of him. 

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He tries to apologise for blindsiding her. "It doesn't even matter, babe," she cuts in. "You don't talk to me." 

Okay, but he is literally trying to talk to you. 

"You need to speak up, you have a voice."

Yes. And he's currently wrestling you for airtime.

Valiantly, he has another go. "The things is, I've just –' he begins. But oh no, she's done it again. "Baaaabe. This is scary." 

Yes. Yes, it is.

You know what else is terrifying? The sight of Gia and Bec holding hands. 

"Love you," Gia says, as they stroll through a bar with full glasses of wine.

"Love you," Bec replies. "F*** these men, man."

"Literally, f*** 'em."

Excuse me, what? Who are you people and what have you done with our resident sworn enemies? What happened to The War?

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Apparently, after watching each other's couch sessions, they've bonded over rejection and rage. Their husbands are "boys," "b***es," "p***ies," "weak."

How are they not obsessed with them? Why are these men throwing such perfect women under the bus?

Bec rages that she's only getting sex once a week instead of the more preferable five times even though she cooks and cleans. Gia is outraged by Scott's total exaggerations and Judas-level attacks, ambushing her with concerns she's definitely, absolutely never heard before.

They then pivot to dragging the men's appearances. Danny looks like a frog. Scott has a pointy nose. Both are "duds." Meanwhile, they – newly united – are exceptional, fabulous, and finally seen. They spin themselves into a delusional, sauvignon-soaked frenzy.

"We may have had beef in the past," says Bec, "but when it comes down to it women need to support women."

Good grief, ladies – will you please take a long hard look at yourselves?

The boys are flummoxed by this new turn of events. 

Alone in the apartment, Danny's brain nearly explodes as he tries to make it make sense. "I can't even wrap my head around it," he says. After everything they've been through with Gia, why would Bec go drinking with her?

Later, Scott and Gia have a full barney about it. Gia lied about the drinks – when Scott called, he could hear Bec's voice in background, screaming slurs about him. Gia then deflects, interprets this as a problem specifically with alcohol. "You don't like girls who drink." No, Scott says, this is about Bec. "She's the worst person to hang out with in this situation." 

Gia shrugs it off. "We didn't even talk about you guys."

But wait – there were cameras present. The show is built on playback. Why are we lying?

And then, achieving a huge breakthrough, Scott finally snaps. What she's doing doesn't make him feel good. Her spirals are exhausting. He wants to fall in love, but she's making it really bloody hard. He can't keep doing this if nothing changes.

She agrees. It's unacceptable. They both cry. Will anything change? Of course not.

Over at Bec's place, she's feeling bad about her drunken meltdown. "I think I called him a couple of names in my anger – so let's hope that doesn't come out."

Again – are the cameras invisible? Can you not see them literally recording everything you say?

Danny, to his credit, says he wants to show up better – but she has to let him. If she keeps pushing him away, he can't improve.

Hmm. Seems a bit convenient.

"There are two sides to Bec," he says. "One is almost perfect, and the other is almost impossible."

Yes. And also, look inward to your own sorry self. 

With all this insecurity rolling around, what better moment to drop the wildest, most confronting task ever conceived? The Final Test sees the group split and thrust into another Girls' and Boys' Day – this time with some special guests. 

"During the matchmaking process," Principal John tells us over the school tannoy, "there was more than one person with whom are participants were compatible with. It's the ultimate test of trust and security."

Translation: here are some hot backups. Try not to cheat. 

"Will they be respectful of their partner?" says John. "Or do they lean in and cross a line?"

Hectic. 

Initial reactions are interesting. The boys are anxious. None of them want to do it. Well, except Danny. "I'm not looking for other options," he says, all but rubbing his hands together with glee. "But this is a task. It's a business meet. Let's get some feedback."

The girls meanwhile are hyper with excitement. "I would've dressed cuter," says Bec. "Can I have some lip gloss?" She's thrilled at the chance to prove other "bastards" might want her.

Stella, meanwhile, isn't opposed to a meal with some hot guys – but Filip has nothing to worry about. "If I'm with him, I'm with him."  

Rachel's response is different. She's already panicking. What if Steve is matched with a goddess? What if he likes the new girl better? She's worked too hard for this, it absolutely cannot happen!

When the new girls arrive at the boys lunch, the tension spikes. Both David and Scott feel sick. They can't even meet their match's eyes. They make their excuses and go hide in the toilet. Finger crossed their wives are showing the same restraint?

Nope.

"David will be shitting his pants knowing I'm out on a date," says Alissa, beaming at her replacement: a high energy, hyper driven sprinter with two businesses and raging ADHD. Everything Alissa thinks she needs.

"You're very different to my husband," she says. "I get a bit bored. I'm uncertain. I'm seventy percent."

Damn, that's cold.

The other ladies accept their replacements with varying degrees of enthusiasm. Rachel's match, Ignatius, is a real sweetie and super good-looking, but all she wants to do is talk about Steven. And fishing. "My heart belongs to someone else," she says. 

On the opposite end of the scale, Bec gets too excited and wants to talk about penises. "Who's circumcised?" she yells over the table.

"Dear god," mutters Stella.

She gets stuck into flirting… but in a very Bec way. "I'm a cougar. I want someone who wants to f*** me." She tells her back-up that she and Danny don't have any sex so he's obviously not into her. "I'm not dogging him though. I'm in love."

Wow.

Gia's attitude is similarly depressing. She asks her alternate how much money he makes and what his thoughts are on finances within relationships. "I only date men who pay for everything," she says. "I want to be a trophy wife, that's my vibe."

FAAARRRRK.

Back with the boys, David and Scott's jilted alternates are not happy. One even calls out their exits as being signs of unhappiness. "If you're truly happy in your relationship, you can talk to a woman," she says. "And if your wife is going to be that upset, it's a problem."

Correct. But this particular woman also said she's at the lunch to meet her future husband. So shall we just all call a spade a spade?

Filip, angel that he is, has a polite chat, praises Stella, and eats his lunch like a normal person. Steve does the same. "Rachel loves a laugh," he tells his alternate. "We're in a good place." Respectful, calm, emotionally stable – production hates them.

Danny, however, is having a fantastic time. His replacement is a very poised, super relaxed woman who sells herself on being a "good therapist" and a "good listener." Her eye contact is top shelf. She knows exactly how to make Danny feel comfortable. Their conversation gets cosy very quickly. "It's refreshing," he says. "It's nice to have some peace."

Buoyed by her attention, he gets a bit cocky – and soon he's having the time of his life, inviting all the girls to pull their chairs a little closer and holding court. "When the history books are written, Danny always shows up."

I'm sorry, what?

Deciding he's had enough, Filip thanks his alternate for a lovely conversation and heads for the door. David and Scott scuttle from the bathroom and dive into the lifts. Danny, however, is having too much fun. He has all the girls eating from the palm of his hand. He is the king. Why the hell would he leave?

Furthermore, he's disgusted by his fellow comrades. "Men used to die in trenches," he says, delivering the most bonkers take of the night. "And now they're hiding in toilets? We all stand and fight together like men, or we die together like men."

Oh, SHUT UP Daniel, you're making no sense. 

Back to the girls, and things are escalating. Gia leans in with back-up James. Spilling the tea about her issues with Scott, she says she's pissed off, her husband throws her under the bus, they're not doing great, yadda yadda.

As a professional salesman, James naturally encourages this. "A man should not do that to a woman. EVER." Scott is a narcissist. Gia is perfect. She should marry him instead. They'll be kissing by nightfall.

Gia is impressed. "He's a bit pushy, he's got tattoos, he's an alpha." Tick, tick, tick. Flicking her hair and batting her lashes, she smirks at his barrage of compliments, utterly reeled in.

"I'll wait another year if I have to," James says, gazing into her eyes. 

"A year?" replies Gia. "I'm done in a week."

Sensing blood in the water, James goes in hard. "We're not young," he says. "Be invested in someone that's gonna give you everything and more. When you come off the show, I can take your number. You're nervous because you like me."

"That's so cuuuuute," says Bec, fully enabling chaos.

Gia pretends to resist when James literally hands her his number – but Bec grabs it. "I'll give it to her later. I'm Cupid."

And honestly? That feels accurate. Because this entire episode has been a complete and utter s***show.

Join me next week for the fallout, where the footage will be watched and lives will be ruined. Kind of. 

Feature image: Nine.