Hello and welcome to part one of Home Stays – where our couples leave the safety of the experiment and enter the real world armed with barely any of the skills required to function in it. Hurray!

Can we expect growth, reflection and sensible choices? I'd sure like to think so. But I'm quietly betting on more chaos, just in different locations. 

In our regular news update, Gia is still sulking after Scott dared – dared – to express a heavily diluted version of his feelings at the Commitment Ceremony. This was shocking, because Scott never once suggested she might bring drama into the outside world. It's just another needless attack.

Watch: Stella talking about Filip on MAFS. Post continues below.

Scott, visibly deflating in real time, apologises. 

"Yeah, you apologised for how I felt," she snaps, "but not for what you did."

Which was…?

Having thoughts. Oh, and opinions too. Can you believe this guy?

Full credit to Gia – her talent for re-framing any criticism as a personal assault remains unmatched. It's Olympic-level and deserves some kind of medal. 

Later, Scott tells producers he can't get through to her. "This is why I can't fall in love right now… what's it gonna be like on the outside?" He feels like he can't speak. What is he supposed to do? 

Here's a wild idea: maybe you could be honest? Like, to her actual face? Clearly all the pandering, tiptoeing and apologising isn't working out so well, so why not try something different?

Elsewhere, Danny is packing for a trip to Adelaide, where Bec hopes he'll start falling in love with her for real. 

"You don't know a gorilla," Danny says, "until you see the gorilla in its natural habitat."

Nice. 

Chris and Sam are in separate apartments following their emotional apocalypse. Thankfully, Chris has done the bare minimum of self-reflection and is willing to concede that possibly, potentially, he might've been a tiny bit wrong. "Maybe there were some behavioural issues that I wasn't aware of?" 

Yeah, mate, I'd say so.

He's willing to "give it another crack" and "have some fun at the farm" – a sentence that fills me with dread. Because while I'm relieved he's dropped the ice queen act, I can't help but worry for our boy Sam. If this turns into a horror film, I will sue.

In delightful contrast, Rachel and Steve head to my neck of the woods, the Central Coast, for a sojourn in Steve's mum's waterside holiday house. Giggling, they hop aboard a cute little boat and head off in search of flatties. Steve reveals that fishing holes are his love language. Fortunately, Rachel knows how to "handle a rod". She catches a fish, the legend, and Steve's heart is won forever. 

"She touched the prawns," he says. "It's sexy."

Who knew that bait was the key to Stevo's desire? If only Rach had known this a month ago.

Back to Gia and Scott, and not even Scott's fancy bachelor pad can rescue their rapid downslide.

 "You can't be angry on the Gold Coast," he says, leading Gia past pristine tennis courts to his gleaming waterfront townhouse. "It's bloody sunny, it's hot, it's what we want. We're at Scotty's place."

Inside, the camera pans around the spotless surfaces and shiny appliances. "It's a bit messy," Gia sneers. She proceeds to question everything in sight. And while I do agree that the rug on the rug and the ugly double spa bath in the bedroom are a little dubious, auditing someone's entire home within 30 seconds of arrival seems like a bold choice.

But by her own admission, Gia is actively looking for problems. Because "that's just what women do." And truly, even if she hadn't already spent 30 episodes reinforcing every unhealthy, inaccurate, patriarchal assumption about women in general, this particular comment would still have undone me. Why, Gia, are you so quick to believe the worst about yourself and other females? Why do you only bond with Mean Girls? Why do you dismiss pleasant, grounded women as "fake"? What is this all about?

When Scott proudly shows off his enormous walk-in robe, she points at a neck pillow. "What is that? Why is it pink?" It's a red flag, apparently, because he told her he's never had a girl in the house and "the math isn't mathing." Scott explains it was a gift from friends – he even offers to call them for verification. She declines, but won't let it go. 

The wardrobe is also too small for her stuff and, like Parker Posey's character in The White Lotus, she's just not meant to live an uncomfortable life.

She then laughs when Scott notices that a potted tree, given to him by his uncle before he passed away, has dried up. "He died, and so did the plant, hahaha!"

Quick reminder: this woman genuinely thinks she's nice. "I do nursing," she said on the couch just yesterday. "I'm a kind person." 

It's awful. But also kind of tragic. Gia is so uncomfortable, so insecure in Scott's space, that she's tearing it down piece by piece just to feel in control. She needs to be superior in every situation because on the inside, it seems, she feels like utter crap. And that makes me so sad.

Filip, meanwhile, is in Cronulla for a taste of Stella's life. Stella, interestingly, has decided the best way to persuade Filip to move from Melbourne to Sydney is lunch with Leila-of-the-Breathwork and Joe Drama – her "protective" friends from the wedding. Yes, the ones who wrote Filip off from the word go.

"It's going to be a good way of catching him off guard," says Joe. Because, apparently, tripping Filip up is all he wants in life.

Launching into an interrogation, Joe asks about the plan: who's moving, are they in love, are they both sure they've met the right person, etc. "I'm not seeing too much confidence," he says to Stella.

When he demands they rate their relationship out of 100, Stella gives full marks. But Filip only gives them 75. And I can see why. Because while Stella says she's not pressuring him, she's also made it very clear that not moving is a dealbreaker. She's also outsourcing emotional screening to her mates, which is never a great sign.

During a debrief, Filip explains that Stella is definitely the girl for him. But, realistically, if he moves to Sydney, how does it work? How does he rebuild his life, what happens to his business? And as someone who moved across the globe for love, I can confirm that these are valid, important questions. She says she doesn't want him to move just for her – but why else would he bother? So, yes, he says – he is open to moving, but he needs reassurance too. And he has to lead the charge. Which seems reasonable.

Back on the Central Coast, Rachel and Steve have dinner with Steve's mum, brother and sister-in-law – a meal which frankly has the vibe of a parent-teacher meeting. Has Steven got any better at displaying affection? How's his communication? Is he doing okay in the playground? 

It's cool though, because Rachel has it all figured out. "Do you want to know the plan?" she asks when the topic of their future is raised. "Because I have a whole plan."

Steve is forced to speak for himself. "We're going to do long distance," he says. "Roughly six months. And then we'll see."

But, no, that's not the plan, he's got it wrong. Six months is just how long Rachel needs to say goodbye to Melbourne. She's spent years building a life and a career in a city she loves. But Steve's business isn't as flexible, so she's ready to give all that up and move to Sydney. 

Steve's brother finds this concerning: "I don't see Steve making any sacrifices at all."

Feeling like a "butthole," Steve then takes Rach out for a quiet drink with the intention of articulating his emotions. It seems the sight of her casting off has really turned things around. "I like you," he confesses over a glass of still water. "I like where this relationship is going – and if it keeps going, I can see myself falling in love with you."

She rewards him with a pash. And while I'm worried that her future happiness now depends on sustaining an interest in fishing, it's a cute moment.

Returning once again to Gia and Scott, he's taking her out on a yacht with his pals. Gia attempts to avoid conflict by sharing their plans for domestic bliss: she and her daughter will move to Queensland within the month, they'll all get a big house together, have "one or two more kids", get "a certain car". Meanwhile, Scott nods along he's being approved for finance.

His friends are not convinced. "I'm feeling the pressure,' says Matt, "and I'm not even in the relationship."

In private, Scott gets real with them. He doesn't actually want Gia to move so soon. He doesn't want to say, "I love you." But how else is he supposed to make her feel secure? 

Matt's partner Paige nails it. Scott is scared of Gia. He looks like he's lost the will to live. And while Gia has their house and car all picked out, she's also picking fights over neck pillows – which does not bode well.

"What should I do?" he asks.

Paige's advice is solid. Just stop walking on eggshells. Speak your mind. 

Back at his place, he has a red-hot crack. "We had a rough week and stuff… I didn't know if you wanted to be here…"

"We all have our moments," she snaps. "We're human beings."

He asks if she trusts him. She doesn't understand what he means. The neck pillow comes up. Unwilling to hear him out, she says he's not seeing it right. The pillow "looked a certain way", like a "woman thing". 

Finally, he plucks up the courage to say he can't talk to her about potential problems without worrying she'll misinterpret them. The result? She accuses him of arguing and claims total ignorance. Why didn't he say anything before? "I'm very self-aware," she says. "I would've listened." 

Yes, and Steve is a playa, Bec is a wallflower, and Chris is open to other points of view. 

For more on MAFS, listen to Mamamia's The Spill. Post continues below.

Join me next time for part two of these joyful minibreaks, where Alissa's mum shows her support with super helpful comments about ticking clocks, Sam fights for survival at the farm, and Bec is done… AGAIN.

I'm telling you, if she walks out for a seventh time, I will not be held responsible for my actions. 

Feature image: Nine.