In our penultimate Commitment Ceremony (only one more to go, praise be!), we're dealing with the fallout from yet another wild and crazy dinner party, one that concluded with what I believe is Bec's fifth dramatic exit? Sixth? I dunno, I've genuinely lost count.

"I'm DONE," she said, leaving Danny alone at the dinner table with his shame, disappointment and increasingly obvious desire to flee. But is she really gone?

Well, given that Bec has claimed to be 'done' at least once every episode, I strongly suspect not.

Watch: When a MAFS contestant asks the experts for someone who "looks after themselves", what do they really mean? Post continues below.

Elsewhere, in the only functioning corner of this experiment, Stella and Filip are unwavering in their affection. From within their safe haven, they deliver the most accurate take of the night: Danny and Scott have fully dissociated.

Gone are the chest-beating warriors who were willing to charge into the fray for their women – and in their place are two blinking, vacant man-shaped bodies.

"I just wish," Filip says, "Gia and Bec can stop saying sorry and just don't do it anymore. And then we don't have to keep talking about this BS." Hard relate. At this point, not talking about this BS anymore is literally my only wish.

Meanwhile, Gia is nervous about getting on the Couch of Doom because sessions "don't go well" for her. Also, she wasn't the one saying the vulgar things in the texts, she was attacked unfairly, Bec is the problem, Bec should be getting rolled not her, and OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FILIP CAN YOU PLEASE HAVE A WORD?

Wearily, Scott quietly announces his plans to tell the truth about how all the drama is affecting him.

"I'm not looking forward to how she's gonna feel about it,' he tells producers, "but I can only be honest."

The fact that he knows Gia will blow up if he so much as dares express an opinion feels like something that ought to concern him more than it does. But hey, what do I know?

In other news, Bonnie and Clyde appear to have woken up in a different universe. "We had a tiny bit of cross words," Bec chirps. "Danny had a little wibble wobble… but there's so much love and adoration. Everything's hunky dory."

Cut to Danny, who looks like he's being slowly lowered into a vat of boiling oil. "It came out of nowhere," he says of Bec's declaration of love with a capital 'L'.

When asked if he thinks he might eventually feel the same way, he visibly winces. "Hard to say." But otherwise, things are going well? Meh. Intimacy feels like a bit of a drag. "It's not like I don't want to do it," he says, "but I'm not craving to do it as well."

The prognosis is not looking good, folks – not that ever has.

As our participants file into the chamber of secrets, Principal John reminds all students – sorry, cast members – that tonight's school detention – sorry, Commitment Ceremony – is all about The Future. Can our couples see themselves building a life together? Can they fit into one another's homes and routines?

First on the couch are Gia and Scott.

"Yes, John, I'm still here," says Gia, before they even sit down. "Are you happy about it?"

John's mouth says yes but his soul screams absolutely not.

They revisit her disappearing act at the last ceremony, after which the experts assumed she wasn't coming back. Gia explains herself with yet another moan about "getting in trouble" for the texts.

"I felt attacked. It was unfair. I had to remove myself."

John breaks it down for her. The texts were horrific. Bec is to blame. But the way in which they were used is all on Gia. "It was very high school," he says, stating the obvious.

Gia admits fault, acknowledging that she was wrong and her behaviour was childish. Then, in a booming voice, John does what we've all been begging for and proclaims Textgate officially DEAD, never to be revisited again.

Relief doesn't even cover it. Never again do I want to hear the words 'screenshots,' 'rat wife' or 'receipts'. Like, never ever. I am too traumatised.

When Scott is asked how Gia's actions have affected him, I lean forward, eager to finally see him take a stand. But his resolve quickly deflates. "It makes me… not be… myself?" he whispers. "I'm just trying to be positive."

His little smile is so forced I could weep with frustration. Dude, please. JUST SAY WHAT YOU REALLY THINK.

Principal John then expresses mild dismay that Gia skipped her feedback date with Danny. "How many more times am I going to get attacked?" she whines.

The feedback letter was deliberately mean, the tasks were "not nice", everything and everyone is against her. And she has no idea why. "When's something's negative or bad, we don't need to hold onto it," Scott offers timidly.

"If we can let go, we can move past stuff." Ultimately, he's worried that the drama she's stirred up in the experiment will follow them into the real world.

"That's not who I am," Gia snaps, talking over him. "I don't do that." Translation: this behaviour you are experiencing is not, in fact, happening.

Scott nods in polite agreement. Because of course he does. And just like that, we're back in Delulu Land, where Gia is "kind," Scott has no needs, and everything is solved with a quick boob sketch and a beach day fantasy. Cool cool cool.

Next, Rachel reflects on the leadership skills newly brought out in Steve.

The experts praise him for putting on his "Captain's undies" during Feedback Week. And truly, Steve's whole character arc – finding his voice, stepping into leadership, reclaiming agency – is genuinely lovely.

Whatever influence has held him back in the past is slowly fading, and a new, more capable fella is emerging. Love that for him. Let's hope Home Stays doesn't completely ruin it.

Next up are Sam and Chris, whose vibes are on the floor. Chris – surprise, surprise – grabs the mic first. He's hurt. He was blindsided. Him, him, him. Expert Mel literally has to interrupt to allow Sam a chance to speak.

Why, she asks, did Sam feel the need to raise their issue in a group setting? Because, Sam explains, Chris doesn't listen – a point that I feel has already been perfectly demonstrated.

Unperturbed, Chris continues to grumble about how the question of their future (his answer to which seems to be that Sam become a trad wife) has now snowballed into this huge, awful thing that dims his sparkle and needlessly makes his life harder.

John gently suggests that Chris's defensiveness might stem from feeling rejected, and that Sam only brought things to the group because he was out of options. "He wants to talk to you, but he feels like he can't. He's too scared."

This should be a breakthrough moment. It is not.

Coldly, contemptuously, Chris votes leave.

Sam, poor love, bursts into tears. And because he votes stay like a decent human being, they're both sentenced to another week. And honestly? I am not okay.

I have lost all objectivity. Sam is a prince and deserves so much better. Stand by for extraction, friends, because we have GOT to get this guy out of here.

When Alissa and David step up, they flirt briefly with reopening Textgate (DON'T YOU DARE), but thankfully pivot quickly to their own long term plans: Adelaide, babies, domestic bliss.

There's a slightly icky moment where he says she reminds him of his mother – but, he explains, not in a gross way.

"Take me home, baby," he says. It's cute enough. We'll allow it.

Flip and Stella then rock up talking real life proposals like it's a casual brunch topic – which, as Mel points out, is a massive change from last week… and ever so slightly unnerving.

Is it weird that they've gone from chaos to proper marriage in the blink of an eye? Yes. Do I care? No. I believe in them. Don't take this from me.

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Lucky last are Bec and Danny – and given that the show likes to end with an unpleasant bang, I'm strapping in .

Bec begins with a quick summary of how Danny, when asked if he could see himself falling in love with her, said "I assume so".

Briefly, it sent her to the Dark Place. But it's fine now, because she's in love and not even reality can take that away from her.

The experts blink. How does he feel, then?

Sweating balls, Danny reels off some lines about not making promises he can't keep.

Promises have nothing to do with it, insists John. It's a simple question. Can he see himself falling in love or not?

"Um," Danny says. "I made a mistake? We patched it up?"

"You look uncomfortable," says Alessandra.

Yes, replies Danny, he is uncomfortable.

He hates the Couch of Doom. Given a choice, he would not be there. But "a lot of blokes do things they don't want to do" – and these sessions are only for Bec's benefit anyway, right? No, pal, not even remotely. And what did you think you was signing up for, anyway? Did you in fact apply for Is It Cake and accidentally wandered into the wrong studio? What happened to "I need help with relationships"?

Alessandra points out that this is as much an opportunity for Danny as it is for Bec. Real commitment isn't about showing up for your partner because you feel obliged. Also, language matters. So, if he could answer the question again, what would he say?

"I'd just say yes," he says. "Simple as that. I just got it wrong." Oh, my smooth-talking salesman friend. If lying is your new survival strategy, you'd better get good at it – and fast.

Bec, however, totally buys it. It's all good, they're in it together, she feels secure. He even asked her to be his girlfriend. Mel, doing the lord's work, asks the obvious: why?

"Umm…" Danny racks his brains. "Errr…"

We wait. The crickets are deafening.

The question is asked, and dodged, over and over again: why did he ask Bec to be his girlfriend? Why was it important to him? Danny's face gets redder and redder. "Cos I wanted to," he mutters.

It is so deeply and objectively not good enough. But Bec is delighted. "Cute," she says. "This is the best week of my life."

And I almost cry. Because if that's actually true, it's the most depressing thing I've ever heard.

Join me next time for the infamous Home Stays, where Rachel pretends to like fishing, Filip faces off with Stella's mates Mystical Leila and Dramarama Joe, and Gia takes a dump all over Scott's life.

See you there. Bring snacks. We're going to need them.

Feature image: Nine.