A quick word of warning before we dive in — this recap will contain spoilers about where cast members are today and what we already know is coming later in the series, so if you're living under a rock and committed to experiencing every future implosion in real time, feel free to skip this one.

We pick up tonight where we left off last night, and Rebecca is DONE with the Ultimate Fantasy task. To refresh your memory: following her classy Kings Cross shopping trip with Gia, Rebecca came home with a "boss bitch" outfit complete with suspenders and a whip. Steve was visibly repulsed — and later, once cameras stopped rolling, the couple had a gigantic fight during which Steve apparently accused Rebecca of having ulterior motives for being on the show.

Humiliated and furious, Rebecca walked out.

Watch: The hosts of Mamamia Out Loud on the most revealing sentence on MAFS. Post continues below.

The next morning, Steve seems fairly chipper. It was merely "a falling out." He's done nothing wrong. Rebecca is the problem. She's "obnoxious", loud, rude and crude with unbearably high emotions and wild mood swings, which, by the way, have become a daily nightmare and managing the situation is proving too much for him. Honestly — women, hey?

Our other Steve, the sweet one, has also misplaced a wife.

After their catastrophic intimacy task during which Rachel went unkissed, she decamped to a separate apartment. The next morning, she returns to collect her things and Steve greets her with a nervous smile. "Happy birthday," he says — and it's unclear whether he's joking or if it is actually her birthday because, oddly enough, it's never mentioned again. One hopes it's a joke though, otherwise Rachel is spending her special day rage-packing while he sips coffee in the corner.

"She's so angry," he says. "I feel like a piece of shit." And thus Rachel's work here is done. She makes him pay in the only way that matters — by taking all the toilet rolls. See how he likes them apples.

Next, we check in with Brook and Chris, who are in a markedly different place from when we last saw them. They spent Fantasy Night merrily painting pictures together (because again, nothing turns a woman on more than a brush and an easel) — but just twelve hours later, Brook is pale and withdrawn. What could possibly have happened overnight? We're told that they had a bit of a chat and she needs some space. His "slip-ups" are too much to handle and she doesn't want to hold his hand through his journey of personal growth. "I'm not feeling it," she says.

But of course, we now know from various recent interviews, photo shoots and news reports that Brook was constantly thinking about her ex-boyfriend Harry while in the experiment. They rekindled their romance two weeks after she left MAFS, and they're now expecting a baby. So, naturally, her on-screen reasons ring pretty hollow.

Things heat up during the boys' workshop. It starts off okay – Danny discloses that he felt super emotional after the erotic arts and crafts. "I wanted to cry," he says, winning Alessandra's eternal approval.

Smiling, Luke tells the group that he's starting to feel like himself again now that he and Mel have established actual eye contact. Way to go, guys.

And Grayson admits to feeling emasculated in his relationship with Julia. Allowing her to dictate the terms, he says, has made him "less of a man." Ugh. I could not roll my eyes harder if I tried.

Meanwhile, Sweet Steve anxiously relays what happened with Rachel. He feels like he had three choices: kiss her and have her sense the emptiness, kiss her and fake the passion, or just tell her he's not keen. He, as we know, opted for the latter. And after weeks of lectures about transparency, surely this will be applauded? But no — he actually comes under some real fire.

"Men used to die in the trenches and fight wars," says Danny. "And now he's too scared to kiss his missus?"

Grayson, too, takes Rachel's side. Close to tears, he says that being on the receiving end of the cold shoulder is seriously shit and Steve should stop "pussyfooting" around. If he doesn't "dive in", he's just stringing her along. But hang on — if Steve were to get physical without harbouring any actual feelings, wouldn't that be worse? I'm confused.

Circling back to the Silver Fox, we stumble into the strangest of altercations. Now, I don't know how much editing was done here but, when questioned about Fantasy Night, Steve appears to claim that Rebecca bought a sex shop outfit but chose not to dress up out of respect for him. He then states that he found this to be a bonding experience. "She brought us closer by not doing that."

And excuse me, but what in the wide world is going on? Does the man not know how TV works? Has he forgotten he's on a show? The footage exists.

Scott calls bulls**t from the other side of the couch. And Alessandra agrees.

Steve then proceeds to dance around Alessandra's questions, dodging, deflecting and rewriting history with unnerving calm — and I take great pleasure in watching her wipe the floor with him. He claims he "called Rebecca out" on why she's in the experiment, before skirting around whether he finds Rebecca "attractive". He then claimed that, unlike Alessandra, he doesn't have an ear-piece in waiting for someone to give him perfect answers. The nerve!

"The lack of respect you're showing me as somebody who is here to help guide you is appalling. Tread carefully," she warns. "I don't take to this well."

Silver Steve's ire steadily increases until it completely boils over, at which point he shuts down like a faulty laptop. "I didn't really take any of that in," he says afterwards, his genteel, unflappable mask firmly back in place. It's quite chilling and I'm more than a little freaked out.

Upon his return to the apartment he shares with Rebecca, she's waiting for him on the couch. While she tries one last time to put her case forward — she's tried everything, he's given her nothing — he says it's unfair for her to expect him to put on a "soft porn" show. It's not Sex At First Sight. He wouldn't do those things in real life, let alone on TV.

And look, it's hard to argue — but let's face it, 'fantasy night' is only half the problem.

"I'm sick of being half of who I am," says Rebecca, "because I'm so fearful of being too much for you."

"Yes," he replies, "you are too much for me."

And what, I ask, do you do with that?

His parting words carry a sting. "At least now you can be yourself," he snaps on his way out. "You can give them the TV gold you've been holding back on yeah? So go for it." And I feel like we've just been granted a peek at the real him.

"He honestly thinks hand on heart that he has tried in this experiment, which is not the case," says Rebecca. "He wasn't ready, he should never ever have joined the experiment."

"I'm too much for him? The reality is, I'm just enough and he's not enough for me." Too right she is.

Before we hit the biggest bombshell of the night, we're treated to the sight of Sweet Steve delivering roses to Rachel. She opens the door, and he has her at hello. They talk a bit more about what happened and, having been convinced by the other boys that he should in fact get busy with her regardless of how he feels, he apologises. "I'm sorry," he says, "I could've done things differently." And with that, Rachel promptly returns to the apartment and brings back the toilet paper.

Shortly afterwards, a new ransom note arrives requesting that Steve quite literally do things differently. "Kiss for three minutes," the note demands, giving me Spin-the-Bottle flashbacks. He dithers for a bit, but finally throws caution to the wind and grabs her for their first proper embrace. It's hardly passionate, but she seems pleased.

"The boy I like just kissed me," she says – and just like that, we're all fifteen again.

Back to Chris, and he'd like us to know that he has never had a relationship like the one he has with Brook. She's his dream girl, he's never felt this way, yadda yadda. There's just one problem: she doesn't seem to feel the same way. Never mind, he says, he'll just keep trying and hopefully she'll change her mind.

Arriving at the apartment with some wine, candles and a few Priceline face masks, he fusses around in the bathroom to create a spa night for his love. Meanwhile, she's in the living room confessing her intense discomfort to producers. "I feel smothered," she says, yet again using the audition tape as an excuse.

Poor old Chris still thinks all he needs to do is wait her out. Brook's got feelings, he insists, she's just holding them back.

Minutes later, however, we have a missing bride. Brook is out of there, and Chris is left to explain what happened.

"I'm trying to think how to word it…" he says, looking more than a little glum. "Brook's gone and I'm here by myself now." Clearly still in the dark, he takes full responsibility. "I know it all stems from me and my attitude. I'm disappointed in myself. I feel defeated." And listen, I'm far from a fan of Chris's work, but I wouldn't wish this abysmal situation on anyone.

Join me next time for the fallout, and what the teasers reckon will be "a dinner party so confronting it has to be seen to be believed." Sigh. Bring your drink of choice and I'll see you all there.

Feature image: Nine.