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The Twins recap Married at First Sight: How did Australia just let that happen?

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We open with a five-minute montage of what's going to happen at the final commitment ceremonies and honestly, at this point we'd be fine with just a 'yes' or 'no' per couple. 

Except Melissa and Bryce. Who need their own six-part documentary series. Complete with (actual) expert commentary. And an intervention. By professionals. 

Speaking of, we discover that they're still in Sydney despite having not attended the final dinner party and what the hell. We thought you went to Canberra? Why did you sit in your apartment alone while everyone else on the show yelled about you?

We don't get it.

Bryce explains that the only reason he stayed was because Melissa "literally begged me to," which is lovely. She says she didn't want to be that couple who runs away and we don't mean to be rude but you literally did tho.

They're both clearly trying to convince a pissed off producer that they made the right decision not to go to the final dinner party, and Bryce says, "one of the things we've become good at as a couple is identifying toxic situations".

Your relationship is a toxic situation.

Over in Kerry and Johnny's relationship, they're debriefing on the time Samantha confirmed to the entire group that Bryce really did have a secret girlfriend. Who wasn't his fake wife. 

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Quickly now.

Kerry says she needs answers and OMG SHUT THE HELL UP THEY'RE VISITING BRYCE AND MELISSA BECAUSE THEY NEED THE GOSSIP BEFORE THEY LEAVE.

They bang on the door and barge in, and Johnny yells, "SO ARE YOU GUYS STILL TOGETHER". 

"Yeah of course," Melissa says as though she's confused by the question and ma'am your husband has a girlfriend and the whole country knows about it. 

Johnny explains that yes they did speak to Samantha last night and yes her best friend did also confirm that Bryce has a secret girlfriend. 

YOU GUYS SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE!

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This is when Bryce pulls out a card no man in the history of humanity has ever played before. 

Because he's heard, through his friends, that Samantha is...

Crazy. 

A "compulsive liar," Bryce elaborates. 

But Kerry, it turns out, is a qualified lawyer. And she has more questions. 

How come Samantha knew the woman's name, Bryce? The name he very much... recognised?

He helpfully explains that he doesn't know how she knew. (But she's crazy). 

Sorry not sorry.

We're pretty sure we hear him whisper that she's a witch and maybe she knew from magic, but Kerry still has more questions. 

She says the group heard details about how Bryce asked for time off for a football game, which aligned with Beck's comments earlier in the season and WHY DON'T WE GET SHOWN THESE CONVERSATIONS IN FULL. IT MAKES THE PROGRAM INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT TO FOLLOW.

Johnny suggests Bryce just calls the alleged secret girlfriend to shut everything down. 

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a) What a solution, and

b) Can someone get the camera and sound guy ready.

But surprisingly, Bryce doesn't think that's a good idea. He's not going to bring an "innocent" person into it. Unlike Melissa. Who has no choice. 

It's time for the couples to leave their 'marital home,' and no offence but this is a hotel room paid for by Channel Nine. There is nothing marital or home-like about it. 

Johnny is worried he likes Kerry more than she likes him which is probably a sign of a healthy relationship but honestly who knows anymore.

Meanwhile, Jason is crying but we're not sure if it's because he's leaving his wife or because his best friend Bryce has been straight up lying to him.

Alana says, for the final time, that she and Jason have strong sexual chemistry and WE KNOW. AND SO DO YOUR STUDENTS. AND PRINCIPAL.

But things are frosty between Melissa and Bryce, mostly because he refuses to break up with his secret girlfriend over the phone. 

They say goodbye and it's uneventful, because Bryce seems keen to get back to his other partner. 

'I also need to call my friends and get them to stop telling the truth.' 

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Melissa tells a producer she's devastated to end the experiment on that note and no offence but it wasn't exactly... positive otherwise.

At home, Kerry contemplates her relationship with Johnny, reflecting that she lives on the coast and he lives in the city. What a fkn normal problem to have. And a hectic lack of secret partners. 

On the other hand, Melissa says she's stood by Bryce no matter what, but the fact he didn't call bleep in front of her was a worry. 

"I deserve better than that..." she says AND THIS IS WHAT WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU.

Precisely.

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"I have to question whether the wool has been pulled over my eyes..." she wonders and how do we put this. 

If Bryce's affair is a rumour... then so is COVID. And... the tree outside our window. And the laptop upon which we are writing this recap.

Over in Canberra, Bryce misses Melissa. He's had time to think about how he's acted, and yeah, he's not proud of it. Which means his mum definitely gave him a stern talking to (again). 

Idk.

But there's only so much of an episode you can dedicate to watching people think. And it's already too much. 

Until it's Alana's turn. 

You see, she thought this time away from Jason would make her miss him and realise how special their relationship was. But it's done the... 

Opposite. 

Goodness. 

She's clearly realised she was only in it for the gossip, and honestly, same.

BUT SHUT UP because it's time for Johnny and Kerry's final vows. 

Kerry's in a fancy wedding dress and Johnny's sobbing and we don't mean to be rude but we have to ask: where are you? And why does it look like the fruit display at the Easter show but with flowers?

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Okay. 

Johnny goes first and tells Kerry he's missed absolutely everything about her and their relationship. He's radiating so much love and we wonder why normal relationships don't have an avenue for this. 

Oh wait they do. It's called a real wedding. But it got hijacked by this stupid show and now it doesn't mean as much anymore. 

Anywho Johnny declares that he's falling in love with Kerry, and now it's her turn. 

There's precisely no suspense and yes she's falling in love with him too. 

They're crying hysterically because they don't know how they found love in such a hopeless place.

BUT IT'S TIME FOR BRYCE AND MELISSA'S COMMITMENT CEREMONY SO QUIET NOW.

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As he's getting ready, Bryce says he can’t see himself without Melissa. And relatedly, his secret girlfriend.

He wants a house with her. He wants a life with her. He wants a cheatin' scandal with her. 

As Melissa gets ready, we're given a weird 'ghost' Bryce voiceover of him exclusively saying mean things like, 'DIDN'T I RANK YOU FOURTH MELISSA,' and 'YOU'RE NOT UGLY'. 

It's honestly brilliant television. 

In the moments before the ceremony begins, Bryce says they could leave together in the same limo or never see each other again, and pfft pls there's a reunion next week. 

As Bryce enters, we notice there are approximately one hundred too many candles. 

But that's not important. He's speaking. 

'And you can't overestimate how much I'm willing to lie.'

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He says together, they've faced more than anyone before them, with the rumours, and accusations. He also says that seeing how his words and actions have affected her makes him wonder if the relationship will work, or if they're as compatible as they think. 

Pause.

How his words and actions have affected her.

Not his words and actions. 

But how they've affected her. That's the problem

WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL. 

Ultimately, Bryce believes Melissa makes him a better person, which isn't actually her job, but okay.

He tells her he has a feeling he hasn't had in a long time, and he's fallen in love with her. 

'You'd have to pay rent. And I'd still criticise your appearance.'

Dear God it's her turn and MELISSA PLS SAY YOU'VE DONE SOME INVESTIGATING AND GOT IN TOUCH WITH THE SECRET GIRLFRIEND AND SHE'S HERE RIGHT BEHIND THAT OVERSIZED VASE.

PLEASE.

She begins by saying she's about to be completely and brutally honest.

Where's the secret girlfriend honestly just give us a nod. 

Melissa tells Bryce he's been involved in conflict that has brought their relationship into the spotlight (true), and she wonders whether things will be as volatile on the outside (yes). 

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She says rumour has plagued their relationship (at what point does it stop being rumour and start being... actual facts), and she had to question what was true. 

But.

"Despite the rumour, conflict and everyone's opinion on our relationship, I know deep down in my heart I have never felt this way about anyone," she says. "I can't imagine my life without you. I can say with certainty that I am in love with you."

NO.

MELISSA. THIS AIN'T IT.

She tells Bryce she wanted an all-consuming, unconditional love and she found it and love sometimes needs conditions. Such as the person not having a secret girlfriend

They kiss and whisper that they can move past everything because "it's just us now" and hahahahahahhaha have you met the Australian tabloids. 

But there's one more couple to go, and yes it's Alana who would like to dump her fake husband. Publicly. 

She reflects that she doesn't believe Jason is ready to settle down and she has to walk away. 

We'd like to take a moment to acknowledge that this is a different technique from the Married at First Sight producers and we really appreciate it. 

Like we know Alana is saying no. And now we get to watch Jason with pity. Great choice.

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"Jason's not right for me. And that's really sad," Alana says and that's the most mature thing we've ever heard on this show. 

At the ceremony, Jason's vows begin and he jokes about how sex has been the high point of their relationship and Sir this is not at all the vibe. Here.

But suddenly his tone changes and he tells Alana she would be an amazing wife and mother of his children. I

t hurts. It viscerally hurts to watch. 

Sir.

Pls.

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SIR.

Jason admits he's falling in love with Alana and can't wait to go back to sunny Queensland with her and OH NO THIS IS GOING TERRIBLY. She's clearly almost trying to interrupt him and he's smiling with the face of a person who's madly in love.

It's Alana's turn and she explains that while they do genuinely like each other, they fight, and she can't deal with the way he speaks to her. 

"There have been countless examples of double standards in our relationship," she says, "and you are blindly loyal to people with questionable morals".

So true

She tells Jason he's not ready to settle down, and they're at different life stages.

At this point, Jason breaks. We've never seen a face like his. 

But hold on. 

HOLD UP. 

Alana has changed her mind in real time. She's gone off script. 

Hehehe

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'We've got some huge issues to get through," she says. "But if you're willing to try, I'm willing to try."

ALANA. WE CAN'T JUST CHANGE OUR MIND BECAUSE JASON LOOKS SAD.

But also, we can? 

He asks if she literally just changed her mind just then and she admits that, yes, that's exactly what happened, before throwing her cards to the wind because they had a brutal dumping written on them. 

We feel like this relationship will last five minutes but... good for them?

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram Facebook and Twitter. 

In case you missed our previous recaps...

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 28: The phone call that confirms everything.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 27: The 'evidence' that destroys Melissa.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 26: Bryce's secret girlfriend was just... confirmed. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 25: The couple who will never have any friends. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 24: We just learned what Bryce says behind his wife's back.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 23: 'Mate. That was disgusting.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 22: No one can stop yelling at Bryce.

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The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 21: The most embarrassing decision we've ever seen.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 20: The man who single-handedly "ruined" a marriage.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 19: Booka just learned how much her husband dislikes her.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 18: When you break up in front of your parents.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 17: The most tone-deaf groom in MAFS history.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 16: Bryce 100%, without a doubt, has a secret girlfriend.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 15: The wife who can't stop insulting her 'grotty' husband.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 14: When your wife ruins a stranger's wedding.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 13: The most embarrassing thing we've ever seen.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 12: "I hope everyone in Australia hates your guts."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 11: We're kind of... into this cheating scandal.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 10: You can't just force people to have sex.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 9. When you're a d**k to your wife on national television.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 8: The beginning of a dirty cheatin' scandal.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 7: How was any of that... allowed.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 6: John Aiken just changed the rules.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 5: When you see your match and can't stop crying.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 4: A bride just realised she had a one night stand.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 3: Precisely no girl wants to be told she's 'not ugly'.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 2: Coco's husband would like to be brutally honest.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 1: You can't just comment on someone's... teeth.

Feature Image: Nine.