reality tv

'I applied to be on the next season of Married at First Sight and things got... weird.'

Hello,

My name is Keryn.

I have a small dog named Vinnie and I like to watch reality TV with said small dog. We also eat chips.

At 35 years of age I’ve realised this is a terrible strategy for finding a husband.

So I’ve decided to do the only logical thing – I’ve applied to appear on a reality TV show where they’ll give me a husband and a whole bunch of dinners… for free.

All I have to do is smash the occasional fruit bowl and sometimes yell out “I’M NOT SCARED OF YOU BRUTHA” to unsuspecting security personnel.

And maybe steal someone’s husband. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Simples.

Here is my application:

Who do you live with? 

One small Jack Russell Terrier named Vinnie. He likes barking at other animals and also judging the shout-y ladies on the telly.

He was very sad when 29-year-old former virgin Matthew left the show because he liked the way he blinked.

How would you describe yourself/your character? 

I’m a very calm and considered person. But if someone accidentally says the wrong thing IMMA SMASH A FRUIT BOWL YELL “BRUTHA” PACK MY BAGS AND LEAVE.

I’m also very loyal. Unless someone else’s husband is a snack. Then I must put him in my fridge for later.

How would your friends describe you?

“Awkward.”

“Sweaty.”

“Food in teeth. Always.”

“Shout-y.”

What would your family say are your best and worst attributes? 

“She doesn’t seem to like people… but she does like chips.”

What are you passionate about, tell us about your hobbies and life interests. 

I like chips. Just recently I discovered tomato salsa chips. This was very exciting for me because it combined two of my favourite things – chips and salsa.

List three things about yourself that are interesting or unexpected.

I like smashing fruit bowls.

I like yelling “I’M NOT SCARED OF YOU BRUTHA” to random men on the street.

And I also pack my bags and sit in the gutter a lot.

Talk me through a typical Saturday night?

A typical Saturday night involves taking off my bra, ordering UberEats and watching movies exclusively about people going for lovely weekends away at isolated cabins and then being murdered by inbred locals.

Do you have any children?

Yes. One small dog named Vincent.

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What are some challenges you faced on your search for true love?

Leaving the couch and/or putting on a bra.

What are the things you’re looking for in a partner? 

I would like one Cam with extra Cam please.

What qualities do you dislike in other people? 

Mike.

Do you have any deal breakers when it comes to a partner? 

I don’t like partners who pretend to like me just so I will join their cult.

Would you like to get married one day? If yes, what is your ideal time frame?

Within the next six days pls.

Have you ever been in love?

Sometimes.

When was your last relationship and how long did it last for?

It was 29 years ago. It lasted for at least a week until his friend told me he didn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore because of the… boogers.

Would you describe yourself as lonely? 

Sometimes late at night I put on a shadow puppet show for myself and gently weep.

Have you ever had cosmetic surgery?

I don’t even shave my legs.

Are you seeking a relationship with a man or a woman?

Cam.

Do you have any skeletons in your closet? If so, what are they?

Yes one. His name is Peter.

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