The Twins recap Married at First Sight: "I hope everyone in Australia hates your guts."

March 10, 2021

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We’re one minute into this episode and Russell has already upset Beth but also the nation more broadly.

Russell. Mate.

Everyone is getting ready for the dinner party, and Samantha is salivating while shouting “I’M HERE TO BRING HOME A HUSBAND FOR MY FAMILY” which makes her sound like she’s out… hunting. For an… animal. To bring home for her… boys. And we don’t think they want… Cam.

Partly, at least, because Cam wants Coco instead.

Speaking of Coco, you better believe sweetie is wearing a full piece rhinestone bodysuit and where did you even purchase such a thing. You are every woman who has ever wanted a man’s attention so bought a goddamn sheer bodysuit and only wore a g-string underneath. You went too hard but we also wholeheartedly relate.

HELLO

Clare and Jessie Stephens

March 10, 2021

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TAKE PHOTOS

????

In Bryce and Melissa’s apartment, Bryce is in some sort of trance where he speaks exclusively about Sam.

“If he’s going to disrespect women, then look what’s coming your way…” Bryce says about Sam, to the woman he’s seriously considering dumping because her eyes aren’t blue.

As he takes a breath, Bryce notices that Melissa has spent upwards of 24 hours getting ready for the dinner party and looks amazing. He jokes that she might go from being the fourth hottest woman to “number one” and SIR YOU DO NOT GET TO LECTURE ANYONE ABOUT THEIR TREATMENT OF WOMEN TONIGHT DO YOU HEAR.

Patrick is nervous because he’s heard there’s going to drama between Sam and Bryce. Which, yes, is a concern, but of more concern is that Patrick is eating corn flakes before going out for dinner.

Pls explain.

Once Patrick has ensured he has a full stomach before being served multiple courses across a long night, he and Belinda arrive first at the dinner party.

Belinda asks for a glass of “proshetto” which is honestly far more of a worry than the fact she’s never been in a relationship.

As other couples begin to arrive, Patrick and Belinda explain how during Intimacy Week they tried the task where they had to look into each other’s eyes for 20 minutes.

The experts, spying from a nearby cupboard, are alarmed.

Alessandra says the task was only meant to be for four to five minutes and keeps muttering “they f**ked it… they absolutely f**ked it.” John Aiken is pissed off because that probably means they never got to the genital cupping task he was so looking forward to watching.

Alessandra, we can replace you. Just like we replaced Trish.

Oh.

It’s Coco.

And everyone keeps hissing “Jesus” and throwing holy water in her direction.

Russell doesn’t know how that sort of “sparkling swimsuit” is allowed into this venue. He wants to call the authorities but Beth pleads with him not to. Instead he just says “Well done” which is… worse.

It becomes clear that no one is more enamoured with Coco than Coco. And we love that for her.

When Cam arrives, she keeps looking over her shoulder in his direction, so he can see her g-string but also her smile. She starts to feel guilty, given his wife Samantha is right beside him. But she’s still naked. But also guilty. Guilty and naked.

No one will even notice.

In an effort to make conversation and avoid looking straight at Coco’s bare vagina, Alana asks if during Intimacy Week anyone else had to “hold each other’s genitals”.

And that would be a… no.

From the entire room.

But most passionately… Russell.

For reasons that are unclear (other than the obvious fact Patrick is easily manipulated by producers) Patrick has befriended Sam and warned him about Bryce starting shit tonight.

I honestly can't be sure.

Sam understands that this will be like The Real Slim Shady versus Biggie Smalls, and so prepares for a rap battle.

That’s when Biggie Smalls himself (Bryce) arrives.

Russell tries to have a conversation with Bryce about how undercooked the steak in his canape is but Bryce isn’t here for the steak, Russell. He’s here to kill The Real Slim Shady.

“SO BRYCE,” Sam yells, “I’VE HEARD YOU’VE GOT A PROBLEM.”

Bryce panics because he didn’t really think ahead. He was more just enjoying the part where he bitched for no reason.

I can drop a time in your calendar idk idk

“I hope everyone in Australia hates your f**king guts” he eventually says in response, a little too loudly for the... context.

Everyone in the room tries to break it up and guys pls let the men yell things that’s what we’re here for.

Sam then decides to be the bigger person and declare “YOU'RE JUST THAT UGLY” and Sam, please, tell us more about how emotional and/hormonal women are.

Cam intervenes out of nowhere, but Sam shuts him down announcing: “I wouldn't get on your high horse buddy because I’ve got some dirt on you” and OH F**K YEAH.

THIS IS WHAT WE CAME FOR.

Sam continues, explaining to Bryce that he won’t have a job in radio after this and mate, in fairness, none of you will have jobs after this. Period.

Bryce keeps trying to stand up for Coco and she’s all like… Bryce. You don’t need to rescue me. Have you literally seen my outfit?? Bitch can stand on her own two feet???

Shhhhh

BUT DINNER IS SERVED AND LET’S CONTINUE THIS DISCUSSION OVER A PIECE OF CHICKEN.

Sam announces to no one that Bryce is in the bottom three funniest people in the experiment and okay just because we did one ranking task doesn’t mean we just constantly rank people now??

At the same time, Bryce tells whoever will listen that unlike Sam, “my parents brought me up to have morals such as yelling at my fake wife for not having blue eyes. My parents taught me that…”

While Bryce lectures adults on how to treat a romantic partner, Cam and Coco are creating chaos.

Cam tells a few of da boiz that he thinks he would be better suited to Coco. They suggest that he simply swap partners the right way. By telling the experts. On the couch. And asking if he can please trade one x Samantha for one x Coco, just like you would in real life.

Brett becomes desperate for gossip, cornering a producer and asking if anything has happened between Coco and Cam and so true.

As Coco and Cam circle each other and wink and blush across the dinner table, John Aiken declares, “THIS CAME OUT OF LEFT FIELD”.

Like… not if you’ve been watching the show, mate.

Coco decides that the most sensible (??) thing to do, would be to ask Samantha’s permission to swap husbands and before she’s fully formed the thought, she’s told Samantha and is awaiting an answer. Promptly.

'I mildly prefer yours.'

Samantha gives Coco her blessing, while Coco profusely apologises and for a moment we think everything might be… sorted.

Narrator: Everything was not sorted.

Samantha goes to the bathroom to cry because she sees failed relationships as a recurring theme in her life, and for some reason, Cam is sh*tty at Coco.

Cam full pretends like he hasn’t been meeting with Coco in private for weeks now, while Coco wishes she wasn’t sitting at the table naked with Russell intermittently commenting “well done”.

Mostly because I'm... naked.

But. Bryce. Isn’t. Done.

He pipes up again at Sam, and Sam retorts that he keeps seeing Melissa crying so maybe Bryce should be looking more closely in his own backyard. In fairness, we have also seen Melissa crying, so that seems like a valid… point.

Sam then calls Bryce not funny, and someone calls someone a doormat and then Bryce declares “YOU’RE AN ABSOLUTE EMBARRASSMENT” while tossing a drink in Sam’s face.

But as is a metaphor for life, the drink doesn’t get on Sam.

It gets on Patrick.

Who is honestly shockingly wet.

Meanwhile, Coco is still being rejected by Cam. While naked. Which is something no woman should ever have to go through.

Sam decides to make a weird toast and wish Coco and Cam all the best and she’s like ‘MATE THINGS GOT WEIRD TONIGHT STOP BRINGING IT UP’ and he’s like ‘nah I’m cool with it’ and dude seriously just give Coco your jacket and shut it.

Good luck guys