14 things more likely to happen than Madonna actually touring Australia.

Madonna is reportedly touring Australia in 2016. But after many broken tour promises, we aren’t emotionally ready to believe her yet.

Madonna announced that she is going visit Australia for the release of her album Rebel Heart.

This is so exciting! Say many. Madonna is the best! Say others.

Well, I’m calling bullshit. Madonna, you have broken our tender Aussie hearts too many times with your false promises of Australian tours.

Not this time, Madonna.

Like in 2009, when you announced you were touring for the release of your album Celebration… but no one was able to celebrate anything, were they, because you never came.

Or in 2012, when we actually let ourselves believe you really wouldn’t let us down again and that you would come to our humble country for the launch of your album MDNA. But again, we had our hopes dashed when you cancelled, didn’t we Madonna? You made us look like a fool, yet again.

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And the icing on the cake. In 2014, when leaked information to the Daily Telegraph spoke of a promotional tour in Australia. We wanted so desperately to believe. But you never came. You never, even came.

Well not this time. Fool us up to three times, shame on us. Fool us a fourth time and we are putting our cone bras and arseless pants away for good.

Goodbye, arseless pants

Instead, we are focusing our attention on things that are more likely to happen than Madonna touring Australia. Here are just a few of the things I’m going to hope for in the future while I sob quietly in a dark room listening to Like A Prayer.


1. I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here getting a second season.

I think I may just be celebrity enough to feature in season two.

2. An eighth Harry Potter movie.

Ron has left Hermione for Harry and Sirius Black is miraculously alive again.

Related: When I was 16, my all time favourite singer came to Australia for a concert tour

3. The world’s collective adoption into the Jolie-Pitt family.

One day.

4. Justin Bieber realising the error of his ways and truly reforming. Maybe even becoming a priest.

I’m not sure I’m truly hoping for this as he is currently very entertaining.

5. A Friends movie.

If only.

6. Calorie-free chocolate.

Still more likely to happen than Madonna touring.

7. Kate Middleton piercing her eyebrow or getting an undercut.

I think we all want Kate to be a little bit more badass.

8. Summer not ending this year.

Global warming may actually make this possible.

9. Money magically appearing in our hands when we need it.

Accio Money!

10. A tele-movie being created about my life.

I just think it would be really entertaining.

11. Sarah Wilson eating sugar.

And not just fruit. I’m talking a sugar-glazed cronut dusted with powdered sugar.

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12. Pete Evans becoming an ambassador for KFC.

Because chicken is paleo.

13. Ants rallying together to get retribution on humans after years of being trodden on.

Aren’t we all a little sympathetic to the little guys?

14. Julia Gillard becoming Prime Minister of the world.

“I think she can I think she can.”

We wish.

I guess we’ll see you ’round, Madonna. Oh wait, never mind.

What things do you think are more likely to happen than Madonna touring?