reality tv

"I should have got into crypto." 10 thoughts I had while watching Luxe Listings Sydney.

I'm obsessed with real estate.

My most used apps are Domain and Realestate.com.au, I attend house inspections of places I wouldn't be able to afford even if I sold all of my organs, and I often volunteer to help friends find rentals and move house purely so I can snoop at their place. 

In short, I have a problem. 

And while it may not be one I can cure, I have found some self-soothing techniques - a real estate band aid, if you will - that get me through those bleak moments when Domain hasn't listed a new flat. 

That band-aid is real estate TV shows.

I've gobbled up everything from Million Dollar Listing to Location, Location, Location (I love you Phil and Kirsty). I get regular cravings for panning shots of people's living rooms, and boy do I love an architectural mock up. 

But nothing scratches my real-estate-itch more than a local variety. Which is why when Luxe Listings Sydney came back for season two, I cleared my schedule and locked in some sweet, sweet binging. 

Watch the trailer for Luxe Listings Sydney, here. Post continues after video. 


Video via Amazon Prime.

In case you missed all the hype of the first season, Luxe Listings Sydney follows two real estate agents and one buyer's agent as they go about their day touring, buying and selling eye-wateringly expensive properties. And the second season is no different, apart from the addition of a new agent and many, many more cheese rooms.

But with a new season, comes new real estate revelations that I must discuss. And by discuss, I mean shout into the void of the internet while I Google the floor-plans of these houses. 

So here are the 10 thoughts I had while watching Luxe Listings Sydney:

1. Does Sydney actually look like that?

I've lived in this city for nine years now, and I'm pretty sure this footage is fake. I know I've been cohabitating with La Niña for far too long and I don't live in the extremely expensive 'burbs, but we share the same sky, right? Never seen it look like that. I'm calling photoshop on these panoramic shots. 

2. Why is Kyle Sandilands present?

I know he hosts a very popular radio show, but Kyle, your face is getting in the way of the fancy houses. So, please, make yourself scarce. 

ADVERTISEMENT

Get out of here. Image: Amazon Prime. 

3. That is, without a doubt, a fake office.

Gavin's office is LYING TO US ALL. 

He claims to be working for the Ray White real estate group, but I can confirm with every inch of my being that the office you see in the show is a scam. 

Why can I say this with such confidence? Because I actually worked in this building myself, and the room they are sitting in is an event space usually reserved for photoshoots and catwalks. That pot plant back there? I used to sip my morning coffee next to it five days a week. And I don't forget a pot plant easily.

THE DECEIT. Image: Amazon Prime. 

ADVERTISEMENT

Which means all the talk of Gavin finding a new space for his team to expand into is urgent, because they are currently paying per an hour studio rates to 'pretend' to run a business here. 

4. Talking about a briefcase with $18 million cash in it sounds like the start of a true crime podcast.

I know they're dealing with big bucks on this show, but no one actually does real estate deals with briefcases stuffed with $50 notes. No, they are having their assistant's assistant transfer the money at big, legit banks. So don't pretend to be a crime lord, please.

Listen to the latest episode of The Spill, Mamamia's entertainment podcast. Post continues after audio.


5. Whenever any real estate agent refers to the market as 'the best it's ever been', they mean for them, not for you.

Over the course of this show, you learn to decode real estate chat, and this is a key translation to be across if you find yourself shopping for a house.

Because when D'Leanne says this is 'the best market I've ever worked in', she means that it's making her a lot of money, and costing the chumps trying to buy a house all of their savings, an arm, a leg and 478-year mortgage. 

6. Absolutely no one needs this view from their bedroom.

In an uncountable number of the house tours on Luxe Listings Sydney, the agents note that the view from the bedroom is 'what sells this place'.

Totally unnecessary. Image: Amazon Prime. 

But I have questions... 

I don't know about rich people, but I only ever venture into my bedroom to sleep. At night time. When it is pitch black. Making a wrap around ocean view somewhat... redundant. 

7. Is it compulsory to drive a car with a tiny horse on it if you work in real estate?

I'm not into cars. As previously discussed, my jam is houses, not things with wheels. So I have no idea what cars these agents drive, but they all look very shiny and have suspiciously expensive looking logos. 

ADVERTISEMENT

I think that if an agent rocks up to a viewing in a beat up Fiat 500, their real estate license is immediately revoked. 

8. I should have got into crypto.

A man with aggressively bleached hair has made me regret all of my life decisions. 

World, meet Fred. And his hair. Image: Amazon Prime.

His name is Fred, and he has earned so much money from Crypto currency investments that he now owns Coogee's biggest cliff-side mansion and a jacket with the word 'BITCOIN' stitched in gold. 

I will never be Fred. And for that, I am disappointed in myself. 

9. Cheese rooms should be a legal requirement for all dwellings.

I never knew I needed a cheese room until Monika showed off one on Luxe Listings Sydney, and now it's all I can think about. 

Cheese should always be respected like this. Image: Amazon Prime.

ADVERTISEMENT

As a big consumer of fermented dairy, I now know that the little shelf in my fridge is simply not enough and I will be constructing an official cheese room in my tiny rental flat. Please don't tell my landlord. 

10. Turns out, $18 million is not enough for my taste.

While it may be owned by a billionaire, this house is kinda... yuck. 

I just don't... love it. Image: Amazon Prime. 

If you've ever done the Sydney coastal walk from Coogee, then you will have strolled past it and seen that it's essentially a concrete jungle gym. 

Sure, it has some architectural features that I'm sure some people enjoy, but for me I just have these thoughts running through my poor-person brain:

1. This house will be VERY cold in winter. I'm going to have to get some thick sockies.
2. WHERE ARE ALL THE POWERPOINTS?
3. I would 100 per cent get confused by the number of hallways.
4. That cliff-edge isn't looking very safe for the 35 dogs I would inevitably own if I was a billionaire. 

So I'm not saying that if I owned this place, I would completely renovate it - but this also isn't fixable with a new rug and a lick of paint. Capiche?

You can now watch Luxe Listings Sydney on Prime Video.

Feature Image: Mamamia, Amazon Prime + Supplied.  

Want to win a $50 gift voucher? Complete this survey now to go in the running!