beauty

Men can't get enough of these Lululemon pants. Just ask their balls.

Image: Via lululemon.com.au. Behold: The Lululemon Anti-Ball Crushing Pant. Yes, they’re actually called that.

Rarely do you witness males getting excited about exercise or leisure gear. The universal gym outfit for the entire male population usually involves a T-shirt or singlet and black mid-thigh length shorts.

So why are these Lululemon male pants selling off the charts? And at $129 a pop no less?

Related: Would you pay $800 for these second-hand Lululemon gym pants? 

It’s got everything to do with the comfort of a man’s testicles.

Image: Via lululemon.com.au. The Anti-Ball Crushing Pant - so comfortable, you won't be able to resist putting your hand in your pocket.

These pants are literally called the Anti-Ball Crushing Pant, or ABC Pant for short. One glance at them and it is clear that yes, a man’s testicles would be more comfortable in there. There’s none of that, “Ugh, what’s THAT?! I can’t look away!” effect that one experiences upon spotting a young man who has squeezed his “area” into a sperm-killing pair of ultra-tight skinny jeans.

Related: How often should you wash your jeans?  

The product description on the Lululemon site states, quite specifically, that the pants feature “a wide inner-leg gusset [which] makes space for your junk”. The pants are also made from “Warpstreme” fabric, which is a special Lululemon fabric with a four-way stretch. FOUR! WAY! STRETCH! Imagine all the jiggling one’s nuts could do in THAT fabric!

Image: Via lululemon.com.au. Look! I can even do THIS in my ABC Pants!
ADVERTISEMENT

CBC reports that, on 26 March, Lululemon CEO Laurent Potdevin informed investors that the Anti-Ball Crushing Pants were “a driving force behind the 16 per cent same-store sales increase the company experienced last quarter.” And, seeing as Lululemon reported an eight per cent drop in sales in the lead-up to Christmas, we can safely say that the testicles have triumphed.

Personally, I would like to know where I can buy Anti-Vagina Crushing Pants. Take a quick survey of the ladies in your life and ask, “Do you like your vagina being crushed in tight pants?” Even if this gets you blocked from your friends’ social media accounts, I’m sure the answer would be NO.

So, why can’t women shop for Anti-Genital Crushing Pants with the same ease as men?

Image: Via lululemon.com.au. The Lululemon Devil Yoga Pant. Is "Devil" code for "vagina-crushing"?! Please advise.

Instead of having pants which are clearly labelled as Anti-Vagina Crushing, we must instead seek out harem pants, loose pants, and carefully measure the distance between the crotch and waistband using our eyes. We must sacrifice our precious time for moments in the changeroom, in which we practice sitting and crouching, to ascertain whether pants will bite us in the ‘gine. We read labels, looking for terms like “seam free” and “gusset”.

Why not make it easier on the ladies by simply calling the pants Anti Vagina Crushing Pants?

Related: The secret life of your vagina.  

One must sadly accept that the word “vagina” is still a taboo. Obviously, this is wrong and completely sucks, especially considering the incredible feats that the vagina can perform.

Dear Lululemon, could you please label some of your pants as “Anti Vagina Crushing”, in the name of equality and shopping ease? Thank you. #freethevagina

Hmmm, I wonder if any of these gym clothes are vagina-crushing? They sure are cute...

00:00 / ???