The 25 thoughts every single one of us has had in social isolation.

It’s been a long thirteen and a half years in social isolation.

We were so young in January. So naive. We thought 2016 had been a bad year because Donald Trump was elected US President. It turns out that was a perfectly fine year by comparison and we’re sorry we were ever rude about it. We just had no idea how bad things could actually… get.

In the early days of 2020 we wrote New Year’s resolutions in overpriced diaries and whispered to ourselves this is going to be your year while booking overseas holidays to countries that would soon be closed. Indefinitely.

We fussed over Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s reunion at the SAG Awards and upon reflection, that story really had very little bearing on our lives. And the months to… come.

Instead, we probably should’ve been paying more attention to the news coming out of China about this rather contagious virus that had started in a wet market in Wuhan.

But then Gwyneth Paltrow released a vagina scented Goop candle and we got distracted again. 

NO. By March it was time to FOCUS.

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It’s now been a little over two months since Australia first initiated social distancing measures. There was all the complicated maths about keeping a distance of two metres squared unless you were a teacher performing a haircut at a wedding in which case you could have 11 people at your boot camp but don’t you dare practise barre and we did not like it at all. Then Prime Minister Scott Morrison really wanted to go to just one more rugby league game, please, before everything shut down, and everyone said, “Sir… no” and he reluctantly agreed.

When we saw the videos coming out of Italy, with locals singing on their balconies, we thought we’d be the same. “Yeah,” we said to ourselves, “we can do unity and community spirit and shit.” But then we remembered that we are Australian and we’re not very good at being earnest so just laughed at memes and bitched about our neighbours who were still going to the beach.

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Since then, we’ve had a lot of thoughts. Here are 25 of our most shameful.

    1. I think… that I might write a novel and that it will be very, very good. I’m not sure what it’s about yet but with all the time that’s opened up in my life, I think I could knock it out in nine to ten days.
    2. Writing a novel is harder than expected so I think I might instead focus on getting very famous on TikTok.
    3. This whole ‘stay at home’ thing reminds me of that guy in movies who’s sent to prison and then gets super fit and keeps reading the Bible from beginning to end. I’m going to be like that guy.
    4. I won’t share this thought out loud with the people I live with, but I’m 99 per cent sure I have COVID-19.
    5. Whoops, I just needed a drink of water. All good.
    6. I think… I’m going to come out of this really, really good looking. I won’t be washing my hair really any more or straightening it so it’ll get all healthy and I’ve stopped wearing makeup which will do wonders for my skin. And then I’ll do yoga and drink too much water and sleep nine hours a night and finally I shall be beautiful.
    7. OK so… plot twist. Why is my skin shit
    8. It turns out I am far more resilient than I thought. I can handle just about anything. But if the government closes down cafes and I can’t get a takeaway coffee I will f*cking riot.
    9. What if we have to enter a Stage Four lockdown? And I can’t walk around the block? I’ll die if I can’t walk around the block.
    10. Lol I haven’t walked around the block in three days.
    11. Alright so now I’m 100 per cent sure I have COVID-19.
    12. I think I’ll do a 30-day yoga challenge. But why stop there. I’ll also do a Pilates challenge. For strength. And run. I’ll become a runner.
    13. I’m going to make my workspace super inspiring by buying a plant and a candle and an ergonomic chair. And a lamp. And a framed quote that says: ‘When it rains look for RAINBOWS. When it’s dark look for STARS.’
    14. I’m going to join a virtual choir and then stand on my balcony and sing ‘Imagine’ and then everyone will come and join me for the second verse but I’ll still be the lead voice obviously and then someone will film it and we will go viral on YouTube.
    15. I think… my dreams have been really weird lately. And that everyone would be interested in hearing about what I dreamt last night.
    16. You know what? I think I already had COVID-19.
    17. I’m going to create a neighbourhood initiative where I drop off essential items to every vulnerable person within a 25-kilometre radius. And then I’m going to read to the elderly from outside their window. And home school the children of health workers.
    18. Right after I finish watching Normal People. 
    19. If I have one more conversation about flattening this f*cking curve and what we can learn about ourselves during this unprecedented time I’m going to f*cking lose my mind.
    20. Maybe this global pandemic was sent to us… to give the earth a rest… look… there are dolphins swimming in the canals in Venice!
    21. Oh that was fake news. Also, I hurt my knee running and now I can’t exercise.
    22. I might start a podcas-
    23. Wait what? We’re coming out of lockdown? But I still can’t do a headstand? Can we wait for me to learn how to do a headstand?
    24. This global pandemic has really changed my perspective. I’m going to slow down. Appreciate the small things. Focus on family and friends.
    25. OK. So turns out Mum is kind of… annoying.

What other thoughts do you reckon we’ve all had in social isolation? Let us know in the comments below.