24 signs you have a teenager in da house.

Teenager. Noun. A person aged between 13 and 19 years.

That there above is the dictionary definition of a teenager. Now whilst it’s certainly not untrue, it’s also not really giving us an accurate description of what it’s like to be a teenager. Or how it feels to live with one. So that’s why I’ve helpfully put together this handy list –

How you can tell you have a teenager in the house:

1. You don’t even realise they occupy the same house as you until the wi-fi stops working.

2. The pump pack of moisturiser and tissues magically disappear. Every. Single. Night.

3. You need a hazmat suit just to enter their bedroom.

4. You now realise that newborn sleep deprivation was a cakewalk.

5. You are made to feel as if you’ve committed a crime for asking a simple question.

6. You’ve heard the word ‘literally’ misused so many times that you’re surprised your head hasn’t literally exploded.

7. You no longer need to use Google because you have a teenager who knows everything.

8. ‘IDK’ is the standard responses to most of your questions.

9. You suggest that they should hang out with their friends and they continue to stare at the computer screen and mumble, “I am.”

10. You continuously run out of hot water. There was a time when you couldn’t get your child into the shower. Now, you almost have to physically extract them morning and night. On the upside, they’re clean. Which is more than can be said for their bedroom

11. They are always bored. Never bored enough to do the dishes or clean their room, but bored enough to moan about it how bored they are.

12. There is no food in the house. A teenager’s “snack” consists of approximately 15 weetbix, three ham sandwiches and a litre of milk. You genuinely start to consider purchasing your own farm to cut costs.


13. On any given night, there could have anywhere between one and an entire soccer team of extra mouths to feed at the dinner table.

14. You’ve come to accept the fact that you will be repeating everything you say.

15. All the cups and teaspoons go missing – seriously, where do they put them?

16. You choke your way through clouds of Lynx/Impulse/Celebrity endorsed perfume on the daily. That Britney has a lot to answer for.

17. You find yourself singing along to a song by a manufactured boy band. And you don’t even care anymore.

18. It looks as though there’s been a mini rave in your kitchen after they’ve made themselves a simple sandwich.

19. This statement starts to make more sense: “When your kids are babies you want to eat them up. When they are teens, you wish you had.”

10. You start to use your car keys like dog treats to lure them out the door.

21. Grunting replaces words.

22. You can’t get them into bed at night or out of it in the morning.

23. Text messaging becomes your only means of communication.

24. Lunch is the new breakfast. If you see your teen before midday on a weekend, call the Vatican because you have just witnessed a miracle.

Maybe a more accurate dictionary definition would be “Teenager – A person aged between 13 and 19 years that is subject to irrational outbursts, funky smells, terrible decision making and emotional withdrawal?” Or am I just totally generalising here?

Maybe your teenager is nothing like any of what I’ve written and is instead, even-keeled, communicative and generally joyful. If they are though, you seriously need to let the rest of us in on your secret.

How about you? Can you relate to these points? Have I missed anything?