This post discusses mental health and may be triggering for some readers.
I think I was always Bipolar. The science says I have a mood disorder that only manifests in adolesce or later, but I as far as I can remember the world has always been a bright blinding colours and fathomless darkness. Indescribable happiness and unreasonable sadness. Deafening silence and suffocating noise.
Growing up I was called me gifted. My ability to stay up all night writing long winded stories and planning a future that was so big I was destined to feel like I failed myself in the end was simply ridden of as being more intellectual and creative than other people my age. I guess we just sort looked over the fact had to ask my mother if a memory was real or if it was a dream until I was 17.
Now I see those moments for what they were, the addictive mania that now colours my life starting to take over. My future enemy has been labelled as a gift for the largest part of my life.
Watch: Kanye West on his mental health. Post continues below.
Society values the part of me than can stay up for 24 hours. The part of me that never stop moving, takes on three tasks at once, meets lofty goals and confidently applies for jobs I have no business applying for. I’m praised as being a driven person who’ll push myself until I break.
Which is exactly where the problem lies. I will inevitably break.
Mania is insidious, for so long it looks almost like a supernatural ability. It’s so easy to get lost in mania when you’re part of a society that values the manic parts of you and disregards the broken ones.
I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder after my psychiatrist realised the symptoms of postnatal depression and anxiety weren’t going away. After months of therapy I was still depressed, anxious, paranoid and angry.
I was cycling though emotions so rapidly I could barely keep up with myself. I’d sit in her office and talk until I couldn’t breathe. Then I would cry and ask her what I said. On my way home, my whole insides would ache worrying I had made her hate me.