Even though our kids are still young, it feels like a lifetime ago when I try to recall what our life was like prior to parenthood.
Did we sleep in? Did we have our morning coffee together? Did we go to bed together each night? It feels like a distant memory, our world was so different just three short years ago.
What I do remember is that we were inseparable, we were best friends. Now I'm feeling a little bit like I've lost my best friend. Now we definitely don't sleep in, we very rarely have our morning coffee together and we never get to go to bed at the same time.
He's exhausted from his day at work and I just want some time to myself once the kids have gone to sleep. I've been poked and prodded by little hands all day and I just want my body to myself for a while. I know that must be so hard for him to understand and my intention is never to make him feel unloved but when you are needed by your kids 24/7 and they occupy the entirety of your mind, sometimes it just feels unbearable to be needed by anyone else.
Through the midst of picking up toys, meal times, baths, books and everything else, he's right there beside me helping me to raise these perfect little humans that we brought into this world. But even though he's right there beside me, he feels so far away and I know I feel even further away to him.
I just want my husband to know that I am coming back to him. I'm just trying to work out how to do it all. When you become a mother everything changes, you no longer think about yourself, all you want is to do everything in your power to make sure your kids are okay, to make sure that you are not screwing them up and more often than not you are feeling like you are doing just that.
You give them so much love, so much attention, so much time that you feel like you have nothing more to give. I totally understand why so many marriages fall apart in the early stages when the husband gets pushed to the side and the wife is no longer the same woman he fell in love with. She is trying to hold it all together but sometimes she just needs to be held for no other reason than just for someone to tell her that everything is okay.
At times it feels as though we are both grieving. Grieving for the loss of each other and the loss of our young and carefree selves. Parenthood changes you in so many ways and I think all new parents go through a process of having to say goodbye to who they once were and to figure out how to be the best person they can be to deal with everything that this new world encompasses.
I miss the young us, I miss going to have a beer with you, I miss touching you, I miss laughing with you but most of all I miss talking to you. That pointless chatter where you would say something funny and I would look at you and laugh. Now, when we do get the chance to talk we have so much to catch up on that there's never any time for that beautiful, pointless, funny chatter.
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What I do know is that we are going to get that back and it's going to be even better because now we have our beautiful family. Our kids that are teaching us to grow, teaching us to love, teaching us to open our hearts to each other and everyone around us. They are going to fill the rest of our lives with some of the best moments and the best feelings we could have ever imagined.
I know we both love each other so much more now, it's just a different kind of love. I feel so blessed and so lucky to have this man who watches me fall apart time after time and puts all my pieces back together just by staying right by my side. I want him to know that I am rebuilding myself and I am transforming into the strong, powerful, feminine woman that is buried somewhere deep inside of me, I'm peeling back all the layers that are covering my heart and I am learning how to love unconditionally.
I'm sorry that I got lost, I'm sorry I went away, I'm sorry I left you, but thank you for never leaving me. I love you and slowly but surely I'm coming home to my true self and I'm coming back to you.
How did your marriage change after kids?