Dear newly single mum, I know exactly how you feel...

A life is re-evaluated when a relationship ends. And for a parent left with small children, it can feel like the loneliest moment of all. A mother who’s been there writes…
Dear Newly single Mum,

So, you’re alone. Alone with your babies.

It is not often you can say this to someone, but I know how you feel. It is not often you can predict another person’s feelings. It isn’t often you can say to someone – I understand. But I do.

I’ve been there. In that place. It’s hollow. Empty. Unexplainable.

Your future, once so planned and secure, is now shattered and you cannot imagine what will fill that void.

He left you. It ended. Maybe you had a part in it. Maybe it was the last thing you expected. Maybe deep down you knew it would happen one day. No matter why or what, it doesn’t ease those feelings.

Those dreams of a future together, a family life. Those plans you had formed in your head, of growing old together, of raising your family, of simple things like birthdays and Christmases.

Gone.

Now it’s just uncertainty and that’s the toughest bit.

The not knowing who will be where, not knowing what the battles will be.

At first you will imagine the worst. You will ache at the thought of losing your babies, of being separated from them, even for a day.

Other new mothers might long for a moment away from their much-loved baby, but you will be terrified at the thought of it.

The possibility of a custody battle will make you want to hold them tighter and make you unable to leave them. Paralysed.

For me, I became demonic in my need to be with them, with just the tiny threat that one day I might spend a night without them.

Tiny things, like the thought of not being there at first steps, first words or of missing a smile will torment you.

But slowly you will start to see that it is getting better. It will be okay. Not great. You will think, never great. But okay.

But it will be. The great will come later. I promise you that.

Because the first thing that I learnt is that you survive. The pain lessens. The loss lessens and suddenly one day, you smile. You look around and see what you have made. And you will see that it’s okay to be alone. It isn’t that hard.

My ex left me the day I found out I was pregnant with our second. The very day. He didn’t want another. Instead of working it out, he left.

It took a few years but we are now friends, he loves the child he once didn't want and now there are times when we can actually bear to be in each other’s company.

But back then, for the moments, days, months and years of uncertainty, I had a mantra. I repeated it over and over again. “I still get the good bits.”

I still had the cuddles in the morning and the unforgettable feeling of a heavy child asleep on your chest. I still had the laughs and the smiles and the feeling of my child’s hand in mine.

I still had my babies. And I still had me.

I still had the good bits.

There will be times you wish you didn’t have to make a decision alone, or wish you had another adult to clean a mess or wipe a bottom, or worry about being able to afford school uniforms.

There are times you will feel left out, alone with all the couples and families around you, but you aren’t. Every family is different. You will find your place in your village. This community will give you all the love and strength and support you need.

And then there is the immeasurable pride that you will one day have in yourself that you did it. You survived and it was fun. Hard, sure. But something you would do again: in a heartbeat.

Because remember. No matter what – you still get the good bits.

Do you have any advice to add to someone who's suddenly found their world turned upside down?