Leandra Medine was a “totem for infertility” for her fans. Then she fell pregnant.

Video by MWN

This morning, at 7am my alarm went off. I pressed snooze, got out my phone, started checking my Facebook timeline, and squealed.

Leandra Medine is pregnant. With twins.

I felt that similar feeling of elation you get when a friend has been absolutely gunning for something – maybe it’s a job, promotion, house, handbag, whatever, and finally gets it. You know it’s so well deserved, and you’re just happy that they’re happy in that ridiculously simple, easy, and effortless way.

You see, the founder of the sartorially-savvy, always enlightening website ManRepeller.com, has been very vocal about her struggles with her pregnancy journey.

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And sometimes to her own detriment.

In her own words, she has become, a “totem for infertility”, a “human talisman of despair”.

Which is why Medine’s happy news, for her, came with a pang of regret.

“I feel that I am the betrayer, and as a result, a twinge of shame and a bit of guilt and a lot of self-awareness neatly wrap my evolving pregnancy,” she writes in a recent post on Man Repeller.

LISTEN: Bec Judd and Monique Bowley deep dive on the final hours of pregnancy: the big wait.

In her article, Medine recounts her struggles conceiving, miscarriages, IVF failures, from the various measures she’s taken to boost her fertility – multiple ovary simulators, diets, acupuncture etc – to celebrating the birthday of her nonviable fetus last November.

It’s an intensely emotional, and self-aware read, and she’s excruciatingly open about her desperation of wanting a child, leading her to self-destructive thoughts.

“I’m 22 weeks pregnant now and I can’t believe that all the energy I spent trying to run my company and my marriage and my life into the ground was a byproduct of how desperate I am to become a mother.”

A post shared by The Tot (@thetot) on

However, now on the other side, Medine feels a sense of relief.

“I think all of that has made me appreciate every element of pregnancy that I have experienced thus far,” she said to US publication The Tot.

“It’s hard to talk about the challenges because I’m so damn grateful to be here that I don’t care how difficult or uncomfortable it gets.

“As long as the result is a healthy pair of babies, I am satisfied.”

Me RN

A post shared by Leandra (Medine) Cohen (@leandramcohen) on

Infertility and miscarriages are something we’ve highlighted on Mamamia through Infertility Week, and that’s because there needs to be more conversation, and changing conversations that reflect how deeply personal, varied and individual the experience may be, depending on your stage of your life.

Although Medine acknowledges that her post could be potentially triggering, she eloquently summarises it with these few lines:

“I feel frustration because I still don’t know what to say to make it better.

“If you’re going through it, I still want to be here for you.

“I haven’t graduated from compassion.”

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