fashion

I wore Kardashian-style latex leggings for a day in lockdown and... dear Lord.

March 2020 wasn't a good time for mankind. Generally. 

There was the... obvious, about which we do not speak. But there was also another incident. 

And yes it involved Paris Fashion Week and two well-known sisters in head-to-toe latex.

... you ok? 

It wasn't so much that it was a dark day for fashion. In fact, it was the opposite. 

The darkness came from what it meant for women and our time. Because when Kim Kardashian wears something, we all start wearing it - without the aid of professional people to dress us. So I had normal person questions about the latex.

DO U SOUND LIKE A BALLOON WHEN U WALK? Image: Getty. 

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WHAT HAPPENS IF I TRY TO WEAR LATEX? Will I get stuck? Injured? Arrested?

So I waited. For most of 2020 and 2021, I've worn tracksuit pants and a jumper covered in ambiguous stains. If I'm feeling fancy, I'll put runners on. 

For over 70 days in Sydney's latest lockdown, I've managed to escape wearing anything that doesn't have an elastic waistband. 

But then I saw them. 

A pair of pink latex leggings from lingerie brand Honey Birdette

And I knew I had to wear them for a day during lockdown and document it? As a public service? Because real journalists investigate, and what needs to be investigated more urgently than this?

This is what happened. 

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***

When I open the package sent from the lovely PR lady at Honey Birdette, it contains more than just the leggings. You see, they've sent a dressing aid for latex clothing, WHICH ASSISTS IN SLIDING ON THE LATEX. 

Kim Kardashian might have a team of eight to dress her, but I have a bottle of what feels like lubricant. So suck sh*t. 

??? 

For reasons that are unclear, I choose not to use the dressing aid, and instead spend an absurd amount of time trying to pull on the leggings. They get stuck specifically at my feet (I guess my feet are particularly square which isn't very latex-friendly), and my hips, but eventually they're on and my... god.

Just call me Klare Kardashian. 

Am I invited to the MET Gala yet? 

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Shall I start my own underwear line? For latex-specific shapewear? 

Do Balmain want to dress me? Y/N? 

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Yes, you can see my undies. 

Yes, latex tends to gather in unexpected places.

No, they weren't designed to be worn with a top and jumper and pair of runners and/or odd socks.

But why are they so fun. 

I FEEL LIKE THEY GIVE ME ROOM FOR ACTIVITIES.

Because it's lockdown, there are endless things I can do in my new leggings. I can sit on my lounge. I can pat my dog. I can go on my ONE visit to the supermarket ALONE. 

I can also force my boyfriend to come with me on our state-mandated daily walk. 

He doesn't like it at all and is confused about whether my strange behaviour is because of my new pants or because of the time we got locked inside our homes for an unspecified period of time and lost our minds. 

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U like my pants 

U think I'm sexy? 

Yeah I know. 

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Apart from my walk, I also had a number of work meetings that were no doubt reported to HR, and then spent my afternoon reading a book. In my new fun pants. Which had started to get a little bit sweaty. 

You're entitled, nay encouraged, to complain about my pants.  

Then, of course, it came time to take them off. 

Perhaps things would've been different if I had used the latex dressing aid like I had specifically been instructed. Or if I had 8-9 humans to help me like Kim Kardashian. 

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But instead, the ordeal was squeaky and I walked around my house for at least 10 minutes with latex around my ankles. 

Wearing latex leggings for a day in lockdown was just as enlightening and fundamentally important as I expected. I learnt that when heat has nowhere to go, it pools as sweat in your pants. Which is lovely. 

I also learnt why the latex trend tends to be worn for time-restricted events, like red carpets and fashion shows, rather than as casual wear for 12 hours. 

But mostly... I think despite my complete ineptitude when it comes to fashion, my aversion to any style risks, and the fact that I'm an introvert who doesn't like to stand out in public, the smallest part of me low-key wants to be a woman who wears hot pink latex?? 

Behind our trackies and hoodies and long-established lockdown uniform, perhaps we're all quietly yearning for a pair of silly pants? To badly match to our shoes? And we're awaiting the moment we'll be out in the world and another human will say 'are they... latex?' and we can have a conversation. About something that isn't a virus. That may or may not kill us

Maybe all we really want at the end of the day is a pair of hot pink latex leggings. 

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I just wanna talk about silly pants 

And to go back to the days where what two sisters wore to Paris Fashion Week was a valid topic of conversation.  

For more from Clare Stephens, you can follow her on Instagram, where she reviews bizarre fashion trends. 

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