celebrity

The Twins recap what the hell is happening with the Kardashians right now.

Right now, the world can be firmly split into two camps.

Those who heard the news of Khloe Kardashian’s (ex?) partner cheating with Jordyn Woods, and yelled ‘WHICH ONE IS KHLOE AND WHAT IS A JORDAN WOOD,’ and those who heard the news and knew.

bye

They knew.

Because in 2019, there is one rule and one rule only.

You don't f*ck with the Kardashians.

And Jorydn a little bit stomped on the rule book and then set the rule book on fire and then maybe hooked up with Khloe's baby daddy while standing on top of the rule book which was outrageously disrespectful. 

You see, Jordyn is more of a Kardashian than Rob Kardashian, the rogue brother who once launched a profoundly underwhelming sock line.

A deeply flawed visual representation of... all of it.
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If you watched Life of Kylie, which we feel like only four people did, then you would know that Jordyn is Kylie's closest and perhaps only friend. THEY ARE EACH OTHER'S RIDE OR DIE AND NO WE DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT MEANS.

She's been friends with Kylie Jenner since always, and her job title is simply: Kylie Jenner's Best Friend.

jordyn woods
"Literally my only job was to be a Kardashian accessory for my whole life and I messed up."

So what did Jordyn do, and why is it the biggest news story ever to take place in the history of the world? Let's start at the beginning.

According to TMZ and The Daily Mail, Tristan Thompson (basketball player, Khloe's baby daddy, can't keep his d*ck in his pants etc) was at a party on Sunday February 17 (... who goes to a party on a Sunday?), when he was spotted making out with Jordyn Woods.

He invited a few people, including Jordyn, back to his house and an insider who may or may not be Kris Jenner says they were "very touchy" and "all over each other".

A few days later, the CEO of Hollywood Unlocked - the self-proclaimed number one source of Hollywood news (we've never heard of you but okay) - posted a video claiming that one of their writers saw Tristan cheatin' and messin' around with Jordyn WITH THEIR OWN EYES.

And if you can't trust an acquaintance of an unknown man on the internet who also makes his money off Hollywood gossip then who can you trust? 

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so true

"Tristan, you took everybody's phone but you let them stay," the CEO, Jason Lee, said. "Jordyn came in. Y'all was smoking hookah. She was all up in your lap, you was all up over her touchy-feely. And you let the girl spend the night until 7 in the morning. Now, that happened. That's a fact."

Goodness yes we believe you implicitly.

But as the saying goes, the proof is in the pudding Insta comments.

Khloe herself responded to the video with shouting emojis, while her closest friends commented 'STRONG FACTS' and 'AMEN' and excuse us we're salivating.

In response to the allegations, Tristan tweeted, "FAKE NEWS" before deleting it, mostly because he felt embarrassed about lying. So publicly.

According to Us Weekly, Khloe confronted Tristan on Monday, and justifiably, there would have been some confusion about which cheating rumours specifically she was referring to, but eventually he admitted that the Jordyn one was definitely true.

Kylie was reportedly in denial because Jordyn is her ride or die etc. but now Jordyn has moved out of Kylie's mansion and been fired from her full time job as Kylie's Best Friend which is hard for her because the skills aren't transferable to most other occupations.

Stormi.
Stormi.
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stormi-jordyn
Fckn.
stormi
KNEW.
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Kylie has unfollowed Tristan on Insta, but still has Jordyn, while Khloe has unfollowed Jordyn but not Tristan and imagine how different the world would be if we spent less time investigating Kardashian gossip and more time doing... literally anything else.

Khloe's new full time job is posting shade to her Insta stories about Tristan which we all like very much.

But.

There's just one small detail that makes us suspicious about this bizarre turn of events.

You see, we received an email. A few days ago. From E!. About the upcoming series of Keeping Up With The Kardashians season 16.

It airs on March 31 and has been filming since August, 2018. Meaning everything that's happened has been caught on camera, making a lot of people A LOT of monies.

It's almost as if... this is promotion... for the show.

HOW COULD YOU.
HOLD UP.

DID KRIS JENNER DRESS UP AS TRISTAN AND HOOK UP WITH JORDYN BECAUSE AT THE MOMENT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

Other possibilities include:

  • Jordyn was threatened by Kris Jenner, physically, so agreed to the cheating scandal
  • The Kardashians' lives, including the birth of all their children, is entirely scripted by Ms Jenner and she decided they desperately needed a complication
  • Nothing happened whatsoever and the Hollywood Unlocked person is actually just Ms Jenner in disguise

The only way to know for sure is to watch every second of Keeping Up With The Kardashians season 16 and FFS Kris Jenner might be evil but... damn... she's good.

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