celebrity

What happened in the 4 minutes and 46 seconds before Kylie Jenner gave birth. Probably.

It’s four days until the Super Bowl and there’s no time to waste.

“Kylie,” Kris whispers, clutching her youngest daughter’s arm.

“Can we maybe move this along? I have the videographer on standby and we need to shoot this last scene. He needs to edit it and the Super Bowl is in four days. We just don’t have time to waste in this delivery room, okay? We need a shot of the baby’s feet, Kylie. For the video. You’re doing amazing sweetie… but Kim is tired and wants to go home now.”

Kylie nods. After Life Of Kylie showed the world she is actually a robot with a penchant for wigs, she knows what’s at stake. In an ideal world, the video will be so good that people will forget the youngest Kardashian sister ever labelled 2016 “the year of realising stuff“.

kylie jenner birth story
It's not the only video of one of her children that haunts Kris Jenner.

Yes. Project Baby Video is going to change everything.

If there was ever a chance for Kris to show the world she was the ultimate Momager, tada! Pulling off a pregnancy announcement on Super Bowl Sunday is like winning a Pulitzer or Oscar but, you know, better. Sunday will be the biggest social media day of the year, and she had her sights set on the impossible: trending higher than the half-time act. Amazing.

Kris Jenner is the hardest working person Kris Jenner knows.

If Kris could have given birth to this baby herself, she would have. She rued the day her daughters failed to sync up their ovulation cycles better. It felt a bit like a wasted opportunity, you know? Kim's surrogate only gave birth two weeks ago, and if you ask Kris it was a little selfish of Kylie not to get a wriggle on straight awa--

"Kim! Would you stop taking pictures of yourself? Your sister's in labour!"

There had been tension in the delivery room ever since Kim warned Kylie about having a stretchy vagina post-birth (the videographer got it all on tape - bless him!) which Kourtney didn't take too kindly to. Kourtney says the vagina bounces back like an elastic band if you drink your body weight in kale juice and baby lion tears within 12 minutes of giving birth. Kim called her a "dumb idiot" to which Kourtney said "shove a taco up your ass"... but Kris would definitely be googling the recipe later on.

Mind you, it might be difficult for Kylie to drink so much kale juice and baby lion tears with all that placenta to eat as well.

ADVERTISEMENT

Kylie didn't really want to eat her own uterine organ, of course, but Kris was sure she'd come around to the idea. Perhaps they could release a placenta eating video exclusively on Kylie's website? Or make the colour of her placenta the inspiration for Kylie's next lip kit?

'Fresh placenta rouge', how cute! Kris pulled out the Family Vision Board and wrote it down, adding "placenta seasoning company?" alongside it. Surely there's a market for some kind of seasoning. Maybe Rob could be CEO... was he still doing that thing with socks? Or was he too busy committing revenge porn?

Hmmm... probably too busy being a bad human.

Good God, this whole baby thing was taking longer than Kris thought it would. It feels like since Kim's second marriage this family has forgotten how to do things quickly.

Kylie moans in the background as Kim informs her she will "literally die" if Kylie dresses her baby girl in pink or purple.

"Baby girl fashion is all about greys, creams, oatmeal colours and black," Kim informs the room slowly. There's an earpiece in her ear. "Also... Kanye wants you all to start wearing small sunglasses."

"UGH Kanye is so annoying," Khloe replies, hurling last season's reflective Raybans across the room. "Tell him I'm not endorsing him if he runs in 2020."

Kris glances over the list of potential names for Kylie's baby. They weren't about to have another trademarking nightmare ala Kylie Minogue (who is she, anyway?) so obviously they had checked every name against what can and can't be turned into a multi-million dollar company first. As a mother it all sounded absurd, but as a manager...

Pondering the grey/black colour palette Kanye deemed cool, another name crystallised in Kris' mind.

Stormy.

Wait - NO, even better - Stormi. So in. So right. So... commercially viable.

In the distance, Kris hears a baby's cries, and turns to face her beautiful granddaughter. A smile spreads across her face.

"Grab your camera," she tells the videographer. "Suck on this, Timberlake."

LISTEN: As a family who have built their fame in the public eye, do the Kardashian's have a right to ask for privacy?

FROM OUR NETWORK
00:00 / ???