“I f***ed up and I made the worst decision I have ever made in my life.”
That is the confession Scott Disick makes to his long suffering ex-partner Kourtney Kardashian in a preview from the upcoming season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Tears fall from her eyes faster than she can catch them.
It’s hard to watch because I can imagine the nauseating roller coaster of emotions that Kourtney is feeling in that moment; anger at him for betraying her love, grief over losing her best friend, and sadness for her young children who have lost daily interaction with the best side of their father’s character.
No matter how small the voice is, somewhere in her head there will be a train of thought that zooms on the fast-track to fantasy land where she dares to imagine what it could be like if they could be happy together again.
She will fall into the warmth of the daydream and then a sickness will hit her in the stomach as she’s forced to drag her eyes open and look at a big screen that’s showing flashbacks of his bingeing, lying and cheating, forcing her to confront the reality of his actions.
I know because I’ve been there – and I understand why she’ll probably take him back.
It’s hard to describe the all-consuming, sickening feeling of waking up in the morning after you cried yourself to sleep. After your partner’s out of control drinking has ruined whatever happiness you had the night before.
It doesn’t get any easier as the days pass because your heart is still tied to someone you’re forcing yourself to stay away from. Weeks, months, they don’t make a difference to a heart that’s made up its mind. Hearts aren’t fickle, and they don’t do as they’re told any more than an addict at an open bar.
Snatching a few hours’ sleep night after night, you wake up floundering to decipher fact from fiction before tears come again as you realise yours is a waking nightmare and this lonely land of loss is where you now live.
The truth is, you don’t stop loving someone just because they’re not good for you. People who’ve never been in a destructive relationship don’t understand this and it’s why frustrated families and friends are left shaking their heads in disbelief when they see a troubled couple reunite. Kourtney’s trying to stay away for the sake and security of her kids but it’s not what her heart wants.