“I f***ed up and I made the worst decision I have ever made in my life.”

That is the confession Scott Disick makes to his long suffering ex-partner Kourtney Kardashian in a preview from the upcoming season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Tears fall from her eyes faster than she can catch them. 

It’s hard to watch because I can imagine the nauseating roller coaster of emotions that Kourtney is feeling in that moment; anger at him for betraying her love, grief over losing her best friend, and sadness for her young children who have lost daily interaction with the best side of their father’s character.

No matter how small the voice is, somewhere in her head there will be a train of thought that zooms on the fast-track to fantasy land where she dares to imagine what it could be like if they could be happy together again.

She will fall into the warmth of the daydream and then a sickness will hit her in the stomach as she’s forced to drag her eyes open and look at a big screen that’s showing flashbacks of his bingeing, lying and cheating, forcing her to confront the reality of his actions.

I know because I’ve been there – and I understand why she’ll probably take him back.

It’s hard to describe the all-consuming, sickening feeling of waking up in the morning after you cried yourself to sleep. After your partner’s out of control drinking has ruined whatever happiness you had the night before.

It doesn’t get any easier as the days pass because your heart is still tied to someone you’re forcing yourself to stay away from. Weeks, months, they don’t make a difference to a heart that’s made up its mind. Hearts aren’t fickle, and they don’t do as they’re told any more than an addict at an open bar.

Snatching a few hours’ sleep night after night, you wake up floundering to decipher fact from fiction before tears come again as you realise yours is a waking nightmare and this lonely land of loss is where you now live.

The truth is, you don’t stop loving someone just because they’re not good for you. People who’ve never been in a destructive relationship don’t understand this and it’s why frustrated families and friends are left shaking their heads in disbelief when they see a troubled couple reunite. Kourtney’s trying to stay away for the sake and security of her kids but it’s not what her heart wants.

No wonder the tears fill her eyes to the brim and run over.

Disick, 32, split from Kourtney, 36, several months ago after his hard-core partying and an affair with a younger girl finally drove them apart. There’s has been an exhausting relationship to watch as Kourtney tried desperately to curb his drinking and upped her efforts time repeatedly as he skidded off the rails.

In this episode, the terse tone of Kourtney’s voice as she says; “You forget what happens when you’re on a binge,’ is telling. This is the tough Kourtney we’ve seen before. But she isn’t always tough and as momager Kris Jenner recently told Access Hollywood: “I just know that, you know, they’ll figure it out. He’s a great dad and he loves the kids and he loves Kourtney.”

It is only a matter of time before she takes him back – and I don’t blame her. Scott’s addiction is ruining both his life and hers. Unless she stays away and has some serious therapy to force her heart to fall out of love, losing him for good will ruin her happiness. Her heart still wants him and that’s a voice that whispers in a tone you can’t simply ignore.

<em><strong>Click through the gallery below for photos of Scott and his family. </strong></em>

The world will watch when she strolls down the street again holding his hand, as their three kids trot alongside. And the world will tut because it doesn’t understand why a beautiful woman who appears to have it all would continually take back a troubled addict into her life. What we need to understand is that he will always be in her life, not because of their children but because he’s got her heart. The agony is without him is as brutal as with – we just can’t see it.

Tough Kourtney ends when the cameras are turned off and when Scott takes off his sunglasses that are his mask to the world. She looks into his eyes and sees a forever that she wants so badly that she will take his hand and take him back into her heart.

I don’t blame her because I’ve done the same myself. But I would say, Kourtney, it’s a dark, destructive cycle and it’s a ticking time bomb. If you force yourself to ignore the fast-track to fantasy land there’s a land to a life that’s much brighter. I know because I’ve found it…