celebrity

A completely true and accurate day in the life of Kim Kardashian West's surrogate. Maybe.

Disclaimer: This post is satirical. It is written by someone who just really loves the Kardashians, Jenners and Wests in equally unhealthy amounts. 

Earlier this week, it was announced that celebrity power couple Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West had employed the services of a surrogate to carry their third child.

Here is what her day-today-life looks like:

who is kim kardashian's surrogate
Welcome to the family. Source: Instagram.

Early morning.

She begins by waking early, preferably a few minutes before her alarm, as harsh noises aren't preferred for the progeny she's carrying.

After pressing the buzzer next to her bed, a tray of multi-vitamins and a green tea is delivered via the live-in maid come aromatherapist.

"Blessings be upon them," the maid says referring to the surrogate's growing infant. (Neither she or the maid really buy what's being said, but Kanye watched The Handmaid's Tale recently and felt inspired by their commitment to new life.)

Having risen, she makes her way to the shower, which has a set water temperature of 40 Celsius - warm, but not too warm. While in the shower, she massages a specially-made shower lotion that includes Kim's placenta to her growing belly, something the 36-year-old had the maid make up for her about a month ago.

"It helps with your skin stretching, but also connects me to the baby," Kim explained smiling. "I swear if I bottled this it would sell for, like, literally thousands of dollars, so you're really lucky."

The surrogate takes a pair of tweezers and carefully removes the ingrown hairs from her pubis. Thanks to Kourtney scaring Kim with misinformation about hot wax and vaginas, Brazilians are now firmly off the table.

Listen: Shannon Garner is a surrogate expert. Post continues after podcast... 

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Mid-morning.

Having dressed and eaten a breakfast of salmon and a green smoothie, the surrogate is measured and weighed by Kim's chief personal assistant, Steph Shephard, who then emails the details onto Kim's obstetrician. Immediately after this, her morning study classes begin.

Held inside the family's home theatre, for an hour, she will watch episodes of Keeping up with the Kardashians and the various spin-off series in a bid to learn as much about the woman whose baby she is carrying and their family as she can. (On Fridays, she undergoes a pop quiz to prove her knowledge, and if she scores above 75 per cent is treated to one small Pinkberry.)

Then, she attempts to meditate to the songs of Kanye West, something she struggled with at first but has ultimately come around to.

"The realness of my voice, that's what my baby needs while it's growing," Kanye told her while handing over a stack of CDs.

Early afternoon.

Her work schedule permitting, every Wednesday and Friday Kim takes the surrogate to her mother's house for lunch.

There, the entire family gathers and speaks to both the surrogate and her baby bump while eating leafy green salad. For safety's sake, the surrogate eats steamed vegetables and twice-cooked chicken made by Kris's in-house chef who was hired especially for the pregnancy.

Throughout these lunches, the surrogate has to be careful about what she says. Once, she made the mistake of stating she was still hungry, and Kendall recommended Kim paint her bedroom a sickly shade of pink, which is known to be an appetite suppressant.

"I have a pink room in my house," Kendall said. "I sleep in it for a week before every major fashion week and it's literally amazing. Like, I'm never hungry and I come out of it looking so good," she assured her sister.

Mercifully, it was a suggestion Kim ignored, but only after Kanye vetoed the colour.

Throughout the meal, Kim's sisters place their hands on the surrogate's belly, connecting through touch.

Khloe takes measurements of her waist, hips and stomach, using her as a model for the denim maternity line she's currently designing and for reasons that have never been explained to her.

Kylie brings her 20 pet dogs, who are allowed to sniff at the surrogates ankles for precisely four-and-a-half minutes before being let outside. (Kim says Kylie's really into numerology right now, so perhaps that has something to do with it, she thinks.)

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Mid-afternoon.

Following their luncheon outings, the surrogate is permitted 45 minutes of alone time. During these moments she is allowed to practise her breathing exercises, fold clothes or watch episodes of Kim's favourite television show, I Love Lucy. 

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When she rises it is exercise time.

First, she begins by going on a long stroll around the grounds of the family's estate, which are more like an awkwardly designed compound, really. While walking, she listens to never-released episodes of Kris Jenner's podcast series, The Momager In Me. 

Then comes one of three custom-designed workout activities that all last for 90 minutes - aqua basketball (why they won't call it water polo, she's still not sure), a low-impact weights session or jogging with North's new puppy.

kim kardashian cellulite photos
Source: Getty.

Evening.

By the time 6pm rolls around, the surrogate is tired. But as she well knows, there is still much to do.

For starters, both North and Saint need their bedtime stories read, something Kim has asked the surrogate to be somewhat present for. I say somewhat because the surrogate must sit in the children's walk-in-robes so as not to be seen. Out of sight but still within earshot, Kim is including the unborn baby in their family traditions, she says, but not confusing the children as to who the woman is.

Then, if it's a Tuesday or Thursday, there are 45 minutes of dance practise for Kanye's upcoming music video, which will star the surrogate in a black-and-white slow-motion ballet dance.

"Pregnancy is art," he exclaimed when sharing his plan with the surrogate.

Then, there is dinner, which is usually a light meal of protein, vegetables, and if it's a Monday or Saturday, a banana.

Eventually, she is permitted to retire, but not before she showers again, offers the baby one last lather of Kim's placenta lotion and says five Hail Mary's to an image of Kris Jenner, the tree from which all Kardashian apples come.

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