Alright, Kim Kardashian, you got us.
You got real-life married to the only other human on the planet who could match you in ego, but managed to keep a level of mystery that is completely uncharacteristic of a Kardashian. Frankly, we’re impressed.
We know what your dress looked like. We know you got hitched at the 16th century Forte Di Belvedere in Florence, Italy. And we know John Legend, Steve McQueen, Alexander Wang, Jayden Smith and Serena Williams were on the guest list.
But apart from that? There’s so much we don’t know about your wedding. Given how generous you usually are with extreme personal detail, we find this not-knowing thing disorienting.
Here are our top questions about your big day. Perhaps you could address each one from the Irish castle you’re maybe-possibly, almost-definitely honeymooning in right now? Sweet.
1. What’s the real reason Beyonce and Jay-Z didn’t turn up?
We’ve heard Bey and Jay-Z sent a remix version of their song Drunk In Love to play at the wedding reception and Beyonce did post this half-hearted Instagram post:
But seriously, for reals, how come B & J didn’t come to the wedding? Did they fear they might have to go into an elevator to get to the venue? Do they disapprove of the Kim-Kanye union? Did Kim push too hard for North West and Blue Ivy to be best friends? What went down?
2. Did you tell Rob Kardashian he was too fat for the wedding photos?
Ooph. Poor Rob Kardashian. The youngest and most frequently forgotten Kardashian sibling.
Apparently the 27-year-old was in Florence for his big sister’s wedding but flew home to LA before the actual ceremony. Here he is, arriving back home:
We’ve heard that Kimmy K wanted her entire family to congregate on the picturesque Versailles lawns the day before the wedding for a family photo, looking ‘like models on a catwalk’.
Given that Rob is about 20kg heavier than usual and reportedly in and out of “fat camp”, this didn’t go down so well. So, then:
a) Kim told Rob she was offended that he didn’t lose weight in time for the wedding. He stormed out and got a French taxi straight to the airport. OR
b) Rob didn’t fit into his custom tuxedo, so he had a meltdown and took himself out of the shoot for the sake of his sister’s photo album. OR
c) Kris Jenner was the one to call her youngest son fat because that’s…
3. Is it true that Kanye called your guests “the most remarkable people of our time”?
Please let this be true.
We’ve heard that Kanye gave one loving speech about his bride early on, but returned to the microphone later for a fabulous rant about being a celebrity.
Apparently he pointed at the tables of guests and yelled:
“We are warriors! There is not one person at this table that has not had to defend us at some point or another.
“At this table… the combination of powers… can make the world a better place. We are the most remarkable people of our time.”
Just tell us it’s true.
OK a speed round:
Did you really pay Lana Del Ray $2.8 million to perform at the rehearsal event?
Did North West really wear a teeny tiny baby version of your wedding dress?
Did you really give every guest their own glam team, meaning you spent $65,000 on making everyone pretty?
Was your wedding cake seriously 7 feet tall?
While we wait for the answers to our very important questions, let’s go through ALL THE PHOTOS from the wedding: