The 12 most marvellous feats of North Korean dictators (according to state-owned media).

The Kim family are ridik levels of awesome. Apparently.

The latest in a string of impressive feats reported by state-run North Korean newspapers is that dictator Kim Jong-Un is an effortless mountain climber. Effortless.

This past week he casually scaled the 9000ft high Mt Paektu in an overcoat and and leather dress shoes.

He then met with a troop of Korean People’s Army pilots at the peak, claiming that the climb had given him mental abilities ‘more powerful than nuclear weapons’ (whatever that means).

Kim climbed the peak quickly before sunrise. So quickly in fact that NOBODY saw it.

Stealthy dictator! So fit! So fast!

If you’re not regularly up-to-date on the North Korean press (madness!) then you may have missed reporting of Kim Jong-Un’s previous marvellous feats. Never fear though, here are some of his most recent highlights…

1. He raced a yacht at age nine and sensationally won.  “At the age of 9, Kim Jong-un raced the chief executive of a foreign yacht company, who was visiting North Korea at the time.” Just a natural sailor…

2. He is a proficient artist and a world-class music composer. 

3. He could drive by the time he was three-years-old. Not sure how his feet reached the pedals, but we don’t doubt he was a skilled and precise driver, in between naps.

Kim Jong-Un is almost as impressive as his late father, Kim Jong Il, whom he took over from after his death in 2011.

A Kim Jong Il propaganda poster. Probs drew it himself, or made the sunset.

This is what we ‘know’ about Kim Jong Il, equally as masterful at life.

1. When Kim Jong Il was born, magic happened.

North Koreans are told he was born in a log cabin on Mt Paekdu, the most sacred mountain. Rainbows appeared, a bright star shot through the sky, and the seasons suddenly changed from winter to spring. The Western version of the story? He was born in a guerilla camp in Russia, and his father was absent as he was on the run from the Japanese. Close enough.


 2. He was a better golfer than all the golfers, ever.

In his first attempt at playing golf, Kim Jong Il scored 38 under par, with 11 holes in one… which is 25 shots better than the best round in history. All the professional golfers are no doubt grateful that he declared an immediate retirement from the sport.

3. He invented the hamburger.

Obviously America didn’t influence the ‘double bread with meat’ that Kim Jong Il dreamed up. McDonald’s is grateful for your genius, Mr Kim.

4. He learned to talk at three weeks old.

And was walking by eight weeks old. Those babies who can’t hold their own heads up at that age are just slow, evidently.

5. He was the best author/composer/time-manager ever.

In his time at university, he penned a casual 1500 books and wrote six full operas, that are ‘better than any in the history of music’. His own words, probably.

6. He was a fashion icon.

Kim Jong Il’s fashion sense set a global trend. According to the local newspaper Rodong Sinmun, his military style tunics caught on like wildfire. Have you got your dictator pants on today?

Kim Jong Il also makes a hilarious marionette puppet.

7. He was the best film director in the world.

His films are loved by fans around the globe. Reality? He kidnapped a prominent South Korean filmmaker, sent him to prison, and forced him to make a propaganda version of Godzilla. Fortunately, the filmmaker and his wife were able to escape the country (and Godzilla).

8. He did not poo or wee. Ever.

Despite the fact that he drank over $800,000 worth of Hennessy cognac per year (meanwhile, the average North Korean earns $1000 per year), Kim Jong Il was so God-like and impressively continent that he never had to spring a leak.

9. We partied on his birthday.

The whole world celebrates his birthday with festivals and films. Let’s not tell them that his most popular appearance in Western film was probably Team America.

Kim Jong Il left big foosteps to fill. But it sound like Kim Jong-Un has got this. He got this good.