A velvet-covered car. We can’t even.
We weren’t even aware the last one was an option until this week, when national treasure and Kween of Facial Kontouring, Khloe Kardashian, revealed her velvet ‘wrapped’ Range Rover to the world via Instagram:
Here are our five reasons a velvet car is just not a good idea, Khlo.
Why a velvet car makes no sense, reason #1: RAIN
Anyone who has experienced a questionable era in fashion – which, let’s face it, is all of us – has suffered through the ownership of something velvet. It doesn’t matter if it was a blazer, knee length skirt, or floor length jacket (*gulp*), you will know one thing that’s the enemy of velvet: water. Sodding wet and utterly absorbent, we can only imagine how bad that car is going to smell once the wet velvet is sitting in the garage for a day or so. Wet dog.
Why a velvet car makes no sense, reason #2: BIRD POO
Look, I’m no fan of birds. I actually think it’s rather rude how they deliberately sit above your car, munching on their berries, waiting until they feel the call of nature and…well, you know the rest. It’s very spiteful. But what I refuse to pity is trying to get bird poo off your black velvet Range Rover because SERIOUSLY. This is not a problem any normal adult should have to Google.
Why a velvet car makes no sense, reason #3: SCRATCHES
After a bit of gratuitous digging, I was able to find out how you ‘wrap’ a car in velvet, and it basically involves sticking it on in big sheets. The good news? It’s kind of like contacting a school book. The bad news? It’s kind of like contacting a school book. So if you have the bad luck of scratching your car, sorry Khlo – you’ll be replacing the whole thing.
Why a velvet car makes no sense, reason #4: PETROL
Velvet is a highly absorbent material, which means it’s going to be rolling around like a giant, Range-Rover shaped chux cloth, stinkin’ like petrol after every visit to the pump. Which might not be such a bad thing because really…who doesn’t like the smell of petrol?!
Why a velvet car makes no sense, reason #5: IT’S VELVET
It’s heavy. It’s hot. It doesn’t breathe. It belongs it 1992. And that’s just velvet clothing. Velvet cars? Well, the only place they really could belong is with the Kardashians, really.
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, KHLOE!