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Despite what we've been told, here are 12 reasons Keira and Jarrod aren't actually dating.

Well.

In case you missed it, former Bachelorette star Jarrod Woodgate and former Bachelor star Keira Maguire would very much like you to know they’re dating now, thanks.

Forget any image you had of Jarrod wanting to disappear into the Fijian ocean post-Sophie Monk break-up, because now he’s in a relationship with none other than Keira “I’m successful, I have amazing style… I’m definitely a good catch” Maguire, after they both appeared in our very first season of Bachelor in Paradise.

We know this, of course, because there are (paparazzi) shots of the two kissing on the beach. Kissing! (Mamamia doesn’t endorse paparazzi shots or invasions of privacy or the stalking of celebrities. We won’t show you the photos. We do, however, know there’s a thing called Google, a thing called Search and a thing called Your Fingers Typing. But we never told you that. You had enough initiative to know that yourself.)

If you wanted to get a sense of what the images actually entail, this little tidbit from Daily Mail should give you the only description you absolutely never needed:

"The blonde bombshell is not holding back, gripping her legs tightly around Jarrod's body and embracing his neck with her arms as she plants a steamy smooch on his lips."

... Looovely.

Here's the thing: I'm going to cut well and truly to the chase. Keira may well have been "gripping her legs tightly" and "steamy smooches" may have been exchanged, but I just... don't believe it. I don't believe it.

Before you yell, scream, accuse me of not believing in real and beautiful love and assume I'm a cold-hearted cynic, please know: I agree with you. I am all of those things.

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So let's get into it, shall we?

Here are 12 reasons, contrary to what we are seeing, that prove Keira and Jarrod are really trolling us all. I'm calling it: This little beach rendezvous was a set up.

  1. News reports state the duo were getting "steamy" (that is the last time I will use that description, I promise) in the "secluded Iluka Beach in northern NSW". If it was so secluded, how did paparazzi just... find them? (Ahem, cough, TIP OFF, ahem, cough.)
  2. THEY ARE VERY CLEAR PAPARAZZI SHOTS. NO ZOOM REQUIRED.
  3. There had to be extenuating circumstances to allow Jarrod back in the sun after Fiji-sunburn-gate. A staged photo shoot would be the only understandable reason for him to venture back under UV rays.
    Never forget.
  4. She suddenly wears his hat. That's not a thing that happens outside Nicholas Sparks movies.
  5. Where is the ... sweat?
  6. Why isn't the sand sticking to their sunscreen?
  7. The tiny, yappy dog seems more camera-ready than I am on a night out.
  8. He is blindfolding her. Why is he blindfolding her?
  9. The dog has been freshly groomed...
  10. Mounting someone on the beach is not normal public behaviour.
  11. The outfits are matching. Matching.
  12. Bachelor in Paradise is set to air in the next few months. Hype is only just starting to build. This is exactly the kind of said hype the show needs and wants.

Oh, and one reason why it may not have been:

  1. Because I'm not god, and don't claim to know everything.

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