We’ve met a few interesting people waiting for the 380 bus to Bondi.

The ukelele-playing accountant and the Irish backpacker who did not speak loudly on the phone about last Saturday afternoon’s get-together at the pub spring to mind straight away. Oh, and then there was Obama on his way to have a quick surf. But he had to jump off the bus to do the Heimlich maneuver on an elderly woman who had a cronut stuck in her throat.

In a week when Kate Middleton’s hair has dominated worldwide news: her Royal cut, the decision to wear Princess Diana’s favourite diamond-and-pearl Cambridge Lover’s Knot tiara to a Diplomatic reception, a visit by Royal plumbers to unblock the palace shower drain due to a build up of hair (and we know it’s not Wills), we were not expecting to see Kate Middleton’s hair at the 380 bus stop to Bondi.

But there she was. Waiting patiently as you would expect. Lustrous and lovely, brunette strands gently blowing in the breeze. Her Opal card tucked neatly into her hair for easy access. Everything tucked into her hair really.

Being the news hounds we are, we asked if we could have five minutes of her time. We picked her up and put her on a bench because she got caught in the thong of a harried commuter.

This is what she had to say about the recent Royal snip.

Kate is known for sticking with what works and her exquisite Princess long locks. She’s had a cut, how did that come about?

Come On. Come on. It’s a trim. A trim. It’s not a cut. I mean look at this [shakes self vigorously, Opal card, wallet and mobile phone fall on pavement]. It’s still long. I reckon it’s an inch shorter. An inch! She can’t change. She’s incapable of change. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried. “Kate,” I whisper when she’s in the chair. “Go for it. Even just a bob – a proper bob not a lob. Do something Kate. Do something.”

I’m gathering you would like Kate to get a more radical hair cut?

I’d like her to do anything. I mean look at me. LOOK AT ME. No don’t look at me [tries to hide behind bench seat, but doesn’t have the strength]. I’m sorry, it’s just hard being a one-sided shaved haircut trapped in the body of a posh long, blowdried ‘do’. I’m not being true to myself you know? I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m thinking I might need a retreat.

What would you like Kate to do with her hair?

Do you know Miley Cyrus?

Not personally, but I know of her.

That’s the hair I want to be. Not the person I want to be. They’re two completely different things. But that’s the hair – a bit shaved, bit long, but pink. Pink on one side only. This [Kate’s hair hits self against the back of bench seat], this is not who I am. I get Kate needs it. I mean she’s lovely, don’t get me wrong. She brushes me and takes care of me. And the weekly conditioning treatments I get, and those bloody hairstylists talking, talking, talking, ‘Oh Kate you’re hair has so much body, Oh Kate, how lucky are you to have such thick hair,’.  But I need something more. I don’t know how much longer I can do this for. I mean look at me. I’m getting a bit lank. Can you see here, [She turns suddenly] and I think I’m thinning out right here. Can you see?

No. No, you’re not. All good.

Oh, really? Are you sure? I just can’t help but think I’ve really not become the hair I wanted to be. When I was young and was a bowl cut I had dreams.

Of course. 

You know Billy-B- Big Man, that’s what Kate calls William when they are all alone, he thinks I’m a nightmare. He said it “nightmare” to an apprentice hairdresser one day last year and it was picked up by the world’s media. Everyone from Leningrad to Luggate, New Zealand wrote about me being a nightmare. I was in hairethy for months after that. Then the media all do close ups and find my two greys.  It was stress. I wasn’t coping. Two greys? Maybe three. I enrolled in an interpretive dance course and met, I think you call her Laura Bingle?

Lara Bingle?

Yes that’s her. I met her hair. We did some interpretive dance hairethy and that really helped. It involved a lot of fish tail and French plaiting. Don’t tell anyone, but she wants to be long and thick again.

[Kate’s hair brushes fringe out the way to look up the street for the bus]

Oh, here’s my bus. I have to go.

Thanks for your time.

No trouble. I’m going to get my hair wet and let the salt water work its magic. Could you just carry me onto the bus first?