Kate Middleton’s bottom has a mind of its own. It wants to be seen. It wants to be as famous as Kate’s sister Pippa ‘s bottom. It won’t stop until it has its own Twitter account.

Kate’s bottom is always trying to escape the Duchess’s perfect wardrobe – waiting for the wind to whip up a skirt, hoping that a helicopter or aeroplane might provide a good opportunity to reveal itself.

Well. The royal family have had enough of this exhibitionist bottom and they’re hiring a minder to help keep it in line.

Seriously.

Since Kate Middleton ‘s bottom successfully bared itself to the world while she and Prince William were visiting the windy Blue Mountains in Australia, Buckingham Palace has issued an urgent security warning for the royal behind. A female aid has been hired, or is in the process of being hired, to make sure Kate’s bottom stays covered at all times.

Presumably, her duties might include walking behind the Duchess at all times, checking the weather forecasts for skirt-bothering storms, and sewing tiny little weights into the hem of the royal dresses. Which, by the way, the Queen’s bottom minder has been doing for many years. It’s why she doesn’t have any Marilyn Monroe skirt moments. That, and Elizabeth’s bottom isn’t nearly so keen on the publicity these days.

One might say that this is a frivolous use of the British taxpayer’s money, but we can’t very well have Kate minding her own bottom all the time. She has other things to do.

Here she is, trying to manage her own bottom.

Disaster.

This is very nearly a complete bottom-baring incident.

We haven’t worked out who the royal bottom minder will be — or what her credentials are — but we’ll let you know when we do.

In the meantime, here are Kate Middleton’s best fashion moments (AKA potential bum-baring moments)

Kate Middleton in a peach Jenny Packham dress at a children's hospice.

Kate Middleton wearing a $30 ASOS wrap dress while shopping for nursery furniture in Chelsea, London.

Kate Middleton wearing a $76 polka dot Topshop dress at a Warner Bros event in London..

The Duchess of Cambridge attends The Art Room Reception at the National Portrait Gallery

Charles, Camilla and Kate at Queen Elizabeth II's annual summer garden party on May 22 in a lemon-yellow Emilia Wickstead coat dress.

Kate in the 'Sophia' dress by Erdem to launch a counseling program at Willows Primary School in Manchester.

Kate Middleton stunning in a bright red Versace coat.

Kate Middleton in a cream-coloured coat at Clare Charity Centre in Saunderton, Buckinghamshire, England.

The Duchess a blue Malene Birger coat at the unveiling of a new subway at London's Baker Street Underground.

At a scout training day dressed in a Barbour coat, blue skinny jeans, Le Chameau Vierzon Nord boots, and a Scouts neckerchief.

Kate Middleton at a Scouts ceremony at Windsor Castle

Kate Middleton in a MaxMara wrap dress

Kate in a brown Hobbs coat

Kate Middleton on the Swiss slopes

Kate Middleton at the BBC Sports Personality of the Year awards ceremony

Kate Middleton at the BBC Sports Personality of the Year awards ceremony

Kate Middleton leaving the hospital

Kate

Kate's hair: Before and after.

Kate's £1,400 silk pleated Mulberry ‘Cabbage’ dress

The Daily Mail compared Kate's hair and dress to Princess Diana's in this photo

Kate at the opening of Commonwealth Street, Honiara

Kate at the opening of Commonwealth Street, Honiara