"I went to see Justin Bieber and my carrots got confiscated."

You might remember painfully awkward things happening to you in school.

You wet your pants on the bus. Cool girls deciding they don’t want to sit with you anymore on the oval. Going for a nervous wee before your speech at assembly, and then walking in front of the whole school with your skirt tucked into the bum bit of your stockings.

You think those times are over when you grow up?

They’re not. Because I just had it happen at one of the coolest concerts in the world.

Justin Bieber is in Australia and I was invited to go to The Hit Network’s World Famous Rooftop. With all the cool kids. And I got really excited.

I got this amazeballs T-shirt by a fully sick designer you’ve probably never heard of, and got busy practising my cool face in the mirror.


But then when I got there it really quickly started to unravel.

Because the first person I met, I went in for a hug when they wanted a handshake.

Then I saw someone I knew and waved, and they weren’t looking at me.

And just when I started to feel that creeping feeling of “everyone here is actually cool except for you,” I was subjected to a bag check.

And I had my snackable carrots confiscated.

Apparently, cool people don’t carry snack-sized carrots in a freshness-sealed Decor container.

Cool people don’t even HAVE a backpack, let alone one with a tuna sandwich in case they get hungry and a cardigan in case it gets cold and a Women’s Weekly in case they get bored.

Cool people wear tight jeans and midriff tops and weather-inappropriate clothing. They have big glasses and expertly disheveled hair. Their pants are really low and their smartphones are high.

Smart phone convention

The cool people party on rooftops with drones filming everything and fresh green juice to drink and not a photo booth, but an actual GIF machine. And they take non-ironic selfies and use emojis I don’t even understand and it’s all COOL AS F.

I just stood there trying to be inconspicuous, talking to this guy.  The first aid man.

My only friend.

And THEN, Bieber appeared.

And at that point, so did the HEIGHT of my uncoolness, because after his first song, he took one look at all the people filming him, and asked everyone to put their phones away and just listen.

There’s heaps of production here, so let’s just respect the fact that I came all this way to sing for you guys.

And I nodded like the grandma I am, and agreed, and thought ‘You’re so right. Go Beebs.”

Is there an emoji for “put your phone away”?

I never expected a Justin Bieber concert to trigger a mid-life crisis, but then, I guess Bieber works in mysterious ways.