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The most unrealistic thing about Jurassic World isn't the dinosaurs.

Realism in movies is over-rated.

There are few more irritating film companions than the one who sits beside you snorting, “As if.”

My life is real enough. I’m sure yours is, too. Let’s keep cinema for what it was designed for: eating calorific food in the dark while enjoying surround-sound loud enough to prevent conversation.

But. But. But…

There’s something we have to discuss. We just do. And it’s about the only movie you went to see this weekend. In fact, judging by the Box Office figures, the only movie anyone has been to see in an actual, you know, cinema for months.

Jurassic World. You know, this one:

Maybe we’re all rushing to see it through a sense of nostalgia… Remember the first time the dinosaurs came back and started eating people? Wasn’t that cute?

Or maybe the population has just discovered an overwhelming need to see Chris Pratt whispering sweet nothings into the ears of carnivorous lizards.

Whatever, we all went to see Jurassic World this weekend.

And wow, the dinosaurs were loud, and big and scary, and the 3D was suitably disorientating, and the bit-players got munched with satisfying regularity, and a good time was had by all.

But the shoes. The shoes.

This is Bryce Dallas Howard. You have seen her before. Maybe in Twilight (excuse me, Eclipse), maybe in Lady In The Water… Okay, you haven’t seen her before. But anyway, here she is:

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Bryce Dallas Howard. Image via Tumblr.
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She plays the female lead in Jurassic World. Let’s call her Claire (because that’s what she’s called).

She’s one of those “uptight career women” who inhabit Movie Land. She works for the big, bad dinosaur company, and is excellent at her job. She’s been so very busy with all that Working, she’s lost track of the stuff that makes a woman a woman, like remembering how old your nephews are.

But in case we are in any way confused about this person’s gender, we are given some handy clues.

HIGH HEELS.

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See them? Image via Tumblr.

Of course high-flying, corporate Claire would wear high-heels, click-clacking around her space-age dinosaur lab swiping things and pointing at screens and saying things like: “There’s a security breach in paddock 134”.

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But when (SPOILER ALERT) the dinosaurs escape and start eating people, Claire has to do a lot of running. So much running, in fact, that her “selfish” little career woman life depends on it. That and her ability to keep up with Chris Pratt, who runs very fast for a human in an Indiana Jones outfit who seems to be built of mostly muscle and cheesy one-liners.

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Image via Tumblr.

And that was it. My disdain for realism was forgotten and I spent the rest of the movie thinking only these things:

1. TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.

2. TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.

3. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, TAKE THOSE FUCKING SHOES OFF.

Look, I know, I know, if I follow myself down that rabbit hole of realism, charging around the jungle bare-foot also has its downsides (bindis, people. And discarded T-Rex teeth). But believe me, there were corpses littering this theme park that were just asking to be stripped of their footwear, and any woman who has stood too long in a toilet queue at a wedding will tell you, an ill-fitting stinky work boot is a better option than a spike heel when you need to get shit done.

Even Chris Pratt realises how stupid this looks:

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So why did Claire have to wear heels throughout Jurassic World? While I can only imagine the conversations that went on in the writing rooms about wardrobe, I’m certain that they were going for an old-Hollywood, King-Kong-esque glamour that riffs on action movies of times gone by. You know, something like this…

But, in those times gone by, not all disaster-movie leads were made to hobble about in heels.

Like in, say, the original Jurassic Park. Twenty-two years ago, when the dinosaurs first escaped, Laura Dern was the one doing the running and the screaming, and she was allowed to wear flats.

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Now that’s an appropriate shoe. Image via Tumblr.

Please, in the name of OH&S, can we not return to a simpler time when a woman could run away from a monster in comfort?

Have we made no progress, people? No progress at all?

I need a lie down in a dark room. One without dinosaurs.

So, would you have ditched the heels and robbed a corpse for some sensible shoes?

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