entertainment

Five life situations where we desperately need a Jordan Horowitz.

As the 89th Academy Awards drew to a close, we were gifted the biggest stuff up in Oscars history.

“La La Land,” Faye Dunaway read, from what she thought was the ‘Best Picture’ card.

The cast and crew took to the stage and embarked on elaborate acceptance speeches. But something didn’t seem right.

What would Jordan Horowitz do? Mia Freedman, Monique Bowley and Jessie Stephens discuss on this week’s episode of Mamamia Out Loud. Post continues below.

And that would be because the wrong movie was accepting the award for Best Picture. In front of… literally everyone.

Fred Berger was in the midst of thanking his family when he paused and said, “We lost by the way…” and just straight up disappeared.

At this moment, one billion people watched on in disbelief.

“What the hell is going on?” we asked.

There was no contingency plan. There was no manual for what to do when you’re in the middle of accepting an Oscar that is definitely, 100 per cent, not yours.

They do not prepare you for that in film school.

That’s when La La Land producer Jordan Horowitz became the hero we all needed – not just at the Oscars, but in life. 

WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. Image via Channel 9.

He looked towards the Moonlight team and said "'Moonlight', you guys won Best Picture."

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"This is not a joke," Horowitz said, with a perfectly furrowed brow that made it exceedingly clear there was not one funny thing about what had just happened.

The room still struggled to understand, because if La La Land didn't win then why were they all standing on the stage. Sensing that, Horowitz promptly located the actual card for Best Picture, and famously held it up to the camera.

"'Moonlight'. Best picture." There it was. In print.

Order was restored.

Image via Channel 9.
Image via Channel 9.

That's when it hit me:

I need to be more like Jordan f*cking Horowitz.

I need to channel his decisiveness in my everyday life. I need to learn from his impeccable conflict resolution. Whenever sh*t is going down I just need to ask myself;

"What would Jordan Horowitz do?"

I'll tell you what he wouldn't do. Twiddle his thumbs. Disappear into the background. "Um" and "ah" until it's too late.

Here are the five situations that desperately require Jordan Horowitz.

1. The awkward pedestrian shuffle.

I would like Horowitz in those moments where you're walking down the street and go to pass someone, and you both veer left. And then you do an awkward laugh, before both veering right.

AND THEN YOU'RE STUCK IN A HELLISH LEFT TO RIGHT STEP DANCE UNTIL YOU DIE.

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Please God make it stop. Image via Giphy.

Horowitz would have none of that.

He'd stop and go "YOU. You're going left. I am going right. This is not a joke."

2. When you're travelling and trying to decide what to do.

Eugh.

There's nothing more excruciating than travelling with people and attempting to have the "what do you want to do today?" conversation.

"Oh, I don't mind!" one person says.

"I'm really happy with anything," another responds.

HOROWITZ WOULD NOT BE COOL WITH THAT.

Just make a choice. Any choice. And then once the choice is made, don't be bitter about the choice.

He'd step in, somehow find a rogue mic and yell "We're going to the markets at 9:30am - end of story," and everyone would nod.

THANK YOU FOR MAKING DECISIONS. Image via Channel 9.
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3. When you're holding the door open for someone, but they're taking too long.

Well, this is one of life's true terrors.

You're trying to be polite. You've held the door open for the person you semi-heard walking behind you. But they're still 11 seconds away. 

Is it ruder to stay and just stand there wasting your life holding the door open? Or to let it go (which looks a lot like slamming a door in their face) and run away?

WHICH ONE, HOROWITZ? WHICH ONE?

He would just intuitively know. And he definitely wouldn't feel guilty about it later. Because Horowitz is a more evolved brand of human.

Thank you, Horowitz. Image via Giphy.

4. When someone is injured.

Someone being injured or quite sick in a public place is inherently awkward.

They just want to disappear into a hole, and suddenly you have a lot of responsibility.

Maybe they've broken a bone, or feel like they're going to faint, but all of a sudden nothing is remotely funny anymore. 

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And you know who would be a boss under pressure? Um... Horowitz. Obviously.

He's have a bandage. Or Panadol. He'd push everyone out of the way and deliver a baby on the sidewalk. He just would and we all know it.

5. Dealing with a colleague with bad body odour.

Horowitz is needed in every workplace. That goes without saying.

But particularly, he is needed in a workplace where someone has bad body odour and someone needs to say something, but no one actually wants to.

He'd walk in with his suit looking all profesh and chic, hear the awful and unproductive whispering, before TAKING CONTROL of the situation.

"You," he'd say while pointing.

"This is not a joke. You have body odour. It's affecting everyone around you. Here's some deodorant. Don't do it again in future."

And the problem would be solved, forever. In an instant.

Go now... fix it. Image via Giphy.

I wish we were all a little more like Horowitz. From deciding what to have for dinner, to choosing what to wear, Jordan Horowitz is - as The Washington Post put it "the truth- teller we need right now".

You can listen to the full episode of Mamamia Out Loud, here. 

You can buy any book mentioned on our podcasts from iBooks at apple.co/mamamia, where you can also subscribe to all our other shows in one place.

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