I already have one healthy, two-year-old son, so I know I should be grateful. I am. But I just can’t help feeling jealous of other women’s pregnancies.
It’s a very specific jealousy, too. I’m envious of women who are at the same “stage” as me – women who also have a child who is two years old or younger, who have been lucky enough to fall pregnant.
I never used to be like this. But after I experienced a miscarriage earlier this year, I’ve started to view other women’s pregnancies with green-eyed rage.
Shortly after my miscarriage, I was sitting at home mindlessly looking at Facebook. My son, Jack, was napping. There, amongst all the updates about my friends’ moods and lunches, was a photo that stood out.
My friend from mother’s group, Libby, had posted a photo of her son. He was holding up a sign that read: “I’m going to be a big brother by Christmas!”
I know that I should have been happy for her. I should have phoned her, or even sent a text. But instead, I shut my laptop in fury, and then burst into tears.
It’s embarrassing to admit such jealous, immature behaviour, especially because I know that Libby and her husband had undergone IVF to conceive both of her children.
I know it wasn’t easy for her to fall pregnant. And I know that I should be happy for her. But all I could think was that she was getting something that I wanted and that I couldn’t have. In my mind, I accused Libby of showing off about her pregnancy. I felt that she was gloating and boasting. I wished that she’d never posted that photo.