Is there anything more anal than bleaching?

er, this is not exactly what anal bleaching does

Does anyone feel like life just gets weirder with every passing day? Here we are, as human beings – mere specks within a speck within an impossibly ungraspable and complex universe and I can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, our priorities got a little messed up along the way.

It was while watching the blockbuster chick flick Bridesmaids that I first heard the term. My brain, following the initial ‘what the?’ fleet of thought, made a bit of mental note to itself ‘(“must look that one up later”) and so I did…and was/am amazed at how far/low we’ve really come.

I’m talking of course, about anal bleaching, the latest craze in the never ending treadmill of cosmetic body treatments. So apparently for those of us who are offended (or not wanting to be the offender) by the natural dark hue of a butt hole, relief is at hand. Yes folks, you too can erase that unsightly rectal stain just like porn stars and gay men have been doing for years.

I must have my ‘derrière’ radar on at the moment as when I ducked into my local shopping centre the other day, en route to Target was a big , bold sign on the window of a new store advertising its service of ANAL BLEACHING for a mere $159. Hopefully none of the seniors sipping on their Earl Grey’s at the nearby Muffin Break had their reading glasses on.

At the informative website I learned that a youthful appearance can be achieved everywhere. Excuse me for asking, but does a whiter anus seriously take years off someone’s appearance? Besides, whose really looking that close? Perhaps men who bat for the same team and have a more intimate knowledge of this particular nether region may partake in the odd dab of a bleaching cream but for the rest of us run of the mill types, it all seems, well, just a little bit much ado about nothing.

I’ve read about women opting for foot surgery so that they may squeeze their feet into the ridiculous and non-ergonomic designs of astronomically priced shoes (I mean, what kind of sadist designs shoes that require foot surgery in order to wear them anyway?) We pluck, spray, pierce, wax, laser, electrolyse, tattoo and jewel our bodies. We reduce and enlarge body parts, displace body fat and inject chemicals to numb, fill and plump our skin. Now apparently, our front bums are under assault. As if it isn’t enough for women to completely do away with all their short and curlies to be left with a chilly pre-pubescent frontage, we are now forking out serious cash to surgically tighten our vaginas and alter their appearance to make them more aesthetically pleasing. Vaginal rejuvenation is on the rise and leaving nothing sacred from the touch of the well-heeled cosmetic surgeon’s knife.

Australians now spend around $1 billion a year on cosmetic surgery. We may owe $50 billion in credit card debt, but at least we’re beautiful. I know I’m stomping on a well trodden path here but somehow, amongst all the pressure to alter, fix, nip, tuck and bleach, I just can’t help thinking it’s all just seems a little bit, well., um… anal.

Vajazzling, bleaching, Brazilian waxing, what’s your cut off point?

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