Ladies, the good ones are either gay, taken or missionaries in the Congo.
I can’t help you avoid lusting after the last two, but I have some responsibility to help you avoid the first, which can be heartbreaking. Sure, some say God invented gay men to take lonely girls to school formals. But as friends, people. Ours has always been a symbiotic relationship filled with table top dancing, braided hair and fashion conferences with more sighing than the United Nations.
“Honey, I hope you have diplomatic immunity for that outfit because it is fierce.” Or something.
But you can’t expect gay men to be with you in that way. That’s like assuming Milo and Otis could start a family together. But how to avoid falling in the first place? Identification. You need to be able to spot a gay man from a thousand paces, with or without the feather boas and sequins. And how to tell a gay once you’ve gotten to know him. Here’s 10 must-know tips.
Now, to counter some of the chatter below, this isn’t a textbook or even a manual. It’s not a gay spotting guide or even meant to be true. It’s poking fun at stereotypes. Maybe below we can even shatter some? (My word, I do.)
1. Is Will and Grace his favourite television show ever?
And does he use three-name celebrities as expressions of surprise, outrage or shock? Sarah Jessica Parker that was close! Straight men may laugh at Will and Grace, but none will ever admit to it being his favourite show. That would be like a gay man admitting to having a penchant for American Chopper and Kentucky bourbon. Not going to happen.
2. Are things ‘fabulous’ and never ‘great’ or ‘good’?
As a gay man, it is not enough that things are good. No, they must be fabulous. They must be mincingly, off-the-charts absomazing. Gay men could make a mediocre camping trip in a rain squall sound like it was a night out on Broadway. Which is awesome, but probably means they can’t date you.
3. He relates his life’s struggles to the many career phases of Kylie Minogue.
Does he describe himself as a Charlene waiting to be discovered? Is his minimally paid gig as a stage dancer at the club his ‘Locomotion’? Do they ask WWKM do? Tick, tick and tick.