real life

'I thought sexting a guy with a girlfriend was harmless. Then I fell in love with him.'

Every night, before we went to sleep, we would chat online. We would tell each other dirty things, and sometimes, I’d snap a suggestive photo for him to fantasise.

That’s how most of our nights had gone, and I won’t even deny that it was the hottest thing I have ever done in my life.

I was a young and independent 22-year-old woman when I first met him. He is gorgeous, smart, and charming. He was a literature student in his third year and two years older than me.

Watch: What’s worse, an emotional or physical affair? Post continues below. 

Video by Mamamia

We were both attending a general course in literature when we met.

On the first day of class, he sat right in front of me—he is tall, by the way—which totally blocked my sight. I was annoyed, but it was not his fault that no one else dared to sit at the front row except him.

A few more sessions and chats before the class starts, we eventually became close. I had a slight crush on him, so I was slightly heartbroken when I found out he was in a relationship. However, that really did not get in the way of our friendship—and online relationship.

It didn’t happen right away, though.

We remained friends until the end of the semester, but I was pretty sure he was attracted to me. At that time, I had never been in a relationship, but I know my good points. I was single by choice, and not because I couldn’t flirt. I am actually good at it.

We didn’t talk for a year, mainly because we didn’t get any chance to meet. But one day, while I was walking down the stairs to my next class, a light tap surprised me.

He was smiling when he said, “Hey, long time.” Later that day, he sent me a message online. We were catching up at first, but slowly, we started chatting every day—every night, to be exact.

He was obviously flirting, so I flirted back.

At first, he was unsure how to steer the conversation, but he was as smooth as his poetry. Slowly, our wholesome and innocent online conversations became sexy and sexual.

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He liked it more when I acted cute and submissive in our conversations. I would try my best to say cute things to please and turn him on. From dirty talking, he started to ask for suggestive photos, and then we progressed to sexting.

Honestly, at that point, I didn’t know what to call our relationship. Everything was just online, but I know there was something between us; I just didn’t know how to label it.

Oh, and did I mention his girlfriend? Yes, they were still dating while we had our online relationship.

Some would think that I was basically a side-chick, but for me, I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

I’ve heard a lot about emotional cheating before, but I didn’t consider what we were doing as cheating. I thought that as long as we didn’t have sex, it was not cheating.

After all, what his girlfriend didn’t know couldn’t hurt her, right?

I was initially fine with this set-up. In some ways, it also made me feel good about myself. I wasn’t ready for any commitment at that time, so something like this really worked for me.

But as time passed, I realised, something was changing. It was only a few weeks before my graduation when I realised that our online relationship of almost one year was no longer enough for me.

I’d fallen in love with him.

I’d fallen in love with his words, his affirmations, his messages that always turned me on. And I wanted him all to myself. I started wondering how likely it would be to start an actual relationship with him.

I wondered, will he leave his girlfriend to be with me? Can I really have a normal relationship with him? Something that isn’t just online? It would be nice if we could have sex in real life. Those thoughts clouded my mind thinking it was possible.

A few days before graduation, I was ready to ask him to have a proper relationship with me. I woke up and sent him a good morning message and an invitation for lunch. We agreed to meet that same day. This is it, I thought. This is really it. I was going to take the biggest risk of my life.

Listen: Does sleeping with someone on your buck’s night count as cheating? Post continues below. 

I tried my best to look good that day. When he saw me, he gave me the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. He looked really excited and happy about something. I thought I should return a smile as happy and excited as his.

“Hey, my girlfriend won an international ballet competition. Watch this, she’s the one dancing in the middle.”

On his phone, he showed me a video of a gorgeous ballerina dancing on the stage. Wow, she was really gorgeous.

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“Did you see that? She’s amazing, right? She worked really hard to get that part right and I am so proud of her.”

My smile slowly disappeared.

“So, what do we have today that you suddenly invited me for lunch? Is this because you’re graduating in a few days?” he laughed.

I swear I really felt like crying at that moment. It took all my strength to hold back my tears. Before I could even ask, the answer had already presented itself to me. I knew there was no point now.

“So?”

“Ah, yeah. I just wanted to have lunch with you before I graduate.” I said, jokingly. “Can’t I?”

“Of course!” he said. Then we ate in silence.

I went home feeling like a fool. What was I expecting? Did I really expect that this would end well? How did I become so confident? Did I really think that after a year of online flirting and sexting, I would be able to win his heart? Did I really hope for a future with him?

When I could no longer hold it, I buried myself in my bed and cried all night.

I know it was my fault. My overconfidence destroyed me, and I also underestimated their relationship. He was the first man I loved, but it turned out one-sided. I realised that the depth of their relationship was impossible for me to reach.

I also realised that he had never once thought of having a proper relationship with me. It was just me who thought there was a chance.

I stopped messaging him. He messaged me every night, but he eventually stopped after a week of no reply from me. I finally graduated from university, and later, found a fulfilling job. I decided to cut off all our means of communication. I didn’t leave him any explanation as to why I had suddenly disappeared from him. I don’t think I have to, and I also don’t think he cared.

I felt so sorry for myself for having false hopes and for trying to ruin a relationship. We were just flirting online, so I didn’t think it was emotional cheating.

But then I fell in love with him and that changed everything. I still don’t think it was emotional cheating, and I don’t really care anymore.

I only have one regret—that I attempted to ruin a relationship and could’ve hurt someone who is innocent. His girlfriend does not deserve that kind of pain. And honestly, I also think a woman like her does not deserve a man who would flirt with someone else behind her back.

No one deserves that.

Feature Image: Getty.

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