health

"IBS makes you a sexier person. Trust me."

Image: iStock

It’s time for me to confess: I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, otherwise known as IBS. This chronic disorder, which results in abdominal pain and discomfort, is really all about poo, farts, diarrhea, stomach cramps, bloating, and fluctuating between being constipated for days, and then needing to poo with great urgency. You know, all that glamorous stuff.

IBS is not life-threatening, and can be managed with a few lifestyle changes, such as altering your diet and managing stress. But for those of us who like to live life on the wild side – we who would never dream of giving up our ice-cream or chilli flakes, and who secretly enjoy being neurotic – IBS can impact our day-to-day living, causing discomfort and embarrassment.

“The free, natural way I cured IBS”

While IBS is a chronic disorder, that doesn’t mean that I need to feel chronically ashamed or miserable. It’s time for IBS sufferers to reclaim those three little letters which torment us. You heard it here first: IBS no longer stands for Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Those of us who have irritable bowels will now shout from our toilet thrones that IBS stands for “I BE SEXY”!

How is IBS sexy? Let me count the ways.

1. You can help people by telling them where the closest toilet is, within a 1km radius.

Being helpful is a very sexy quality. Just look at Amal Clooney and Angelina Jolie. Yes, both of them have that “perfect hot babe” look going on, but what makes them ultimately alluring is that they are activists who love helping others.

Do you have IBS? Congratulations, you're basically Amal Clooney.

Amal is a human rights lawyer, and Angelina is a UN ambassador. If you have IBS, you will have important information which you can use to help all handsome men humankind: you will always be able to direct them to the closest public toilet, within a 1km radius.

2. You can always out-fart your husband

A girl whose ass literally doesn’t quit? Now, that’s sexy!

3. Bums are in, and IBS is all about bums

This year has definitely been the year of the bum. Kim Kardashian, Nicki Minaj, Jennifer Lopez, Iggy Azalea: bums, bums, bums, bums and butts, blah, blah, blah.

Kim Kardashian’s bum shot is the one to end them all.

Like every good beauty and fashion writer, I have been way ahead of this trend. Back in 2008, I had my first consultation with my gastroenterologist, who really put me at ease with her lovely manner. We were getting on like a house on fire, as she asked me about my diet and symptoms. Then she said, “Can I look at your back passage?” and I was like, “Sure!” I just sat there, smiling at her, waiting for her to get a manila folder labeled “Back Passage” and start reading it. Then she looked really embarrassed for me, and said, “I need to look inside your anus.”

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Don’t tell me that bums are in fashion, because honey, mine’s had enough attention as it is.

4. You are cool under pressure

Stress can be a major trigger for IBS, so I try to avoid things that stress me out. I think that being chilled and relaxed is a very sexy quality. I have definitely noticed that my husband is not seduced when I’m screaming, “There’s literally bags of garbage on the floor, and you’ve been sitting at home on Twitter all day? Do you fucking hate me?!” This is why we have a cleaner.

6 signs you’re stressed (and what you can do about it).

5. It’s disgusting, just like Game of Thrones

Okay, work with me on this one.

Everyone says that Game of Thrones is one of the sexiest shows on TV. There is tons of nudity, most of the cast are extremely attractive, plus there’s always some sort of action happening at Little Finger’s brothel. And yet, while Game of Thrones may be sexy, it is also totally disgusting. People’s heads are chopped off, there’s always blood everywhere, people are constantly dying and sick, they eat gross things like animal hearts, there are freaky monsters and some of the characters look like they haven’t bathed for the entire four seasons.

Game of Thrones is disgusting, yet sexy. Therefore, can IBS be both disgusting, yet sexy? My concluding point here is that Jon Snow, who is my favourite character for reasons too numerous to count, always looks constipated. I think he probably has IBS. CASE CLOSED.

Cherry Beale is a jumble of creativity, working mostly as a writer, photographer and illustrator, and occasionally as a designer, actress and art teacher. Her real talents, though, are rapping all of Shoop by Salt-N-Pepa, and hugging her husband and daughter like a barnacle. See more of Cherry’s work on her blog, cherrybeale.wordpress.com

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