lifestyle

Please. Stop shaming my instant coffee.

I’ve been living a lie.

A big fat, brown coloured lie. A lie held in a biodegradable paper cup with a sippy lid and a hipster cafe stamp on the side.

It goes like this:

I need coffee like a fish needs water. Every day. Like Taylor Swift needs a girl squad. Like Kimmy K needs Instagram.

Luckily, the streets around my workplace host a glut of cafes to select my morning brew from. Each of them competing with each other for the title of Most Serious About Coffee and Most Judgy about your choice of milk/froth/chocolate sprinkles.

You can tell how serious they are by following these simple visual cues:

Serious Coffee place flow chart

In the offices here we’re basically on the IV drip of the stuff. There are multiple coffee runs during the day. And each time, I say sheepishly “That’s ok guys. I’m ok.”

Because here’s the thing: I reckon instant coffee is just as good. Yes, I love the powdery stuff that comes from a jar.

AND I’M TIRED OF PRETENDING IT’S NOT.

Shock revelation: Instant coffee is fine.

It’s great that your coffee was roasted by Tibetan monks from paleolithic activated beans. I know I’m supposed to appreciate the difference.  But a lot of the time, it tastes weird.  It tastes a bit metallic, like it’s got blood in it, like they forgot to clean the machine, or they left the cleaning stuff IN the machine.

Perhaps we’ve been seduced by the wood panelling and plants and bicycle parts? Perhaps no one has the guts to pull the barista aside and say “What the bloody smeg is this lukewarm drink, Larry? And where is the rest of my coffee?”

I can’t be the only one that drinks a single origin Amazonian bean and secretly thinks “It’s OK. But it’s no Moccona”.

I NEED IT LIKE THIS LARRY

I’m not saying we should all crack out the bulk tin of caterer’s blend (a girl has her standards). I’m just saying, the cult of coffee has forgotten it’s roots. And there’s no shame in a bit of Nescafe in a mug with a dash of milk.

So stop with the judgy looks. Stop with the “are you SURE??” when you dash out for your daily grind. Stop trying to talk me into coffee pods and plungers. I’m happy to just rip the foil off a glass lid and be done with it.

Instant coffee is delicious. It’s not too weak or too strong, it’s always hot, and it’s only a kettle boil away.

You coffee lovers can have your slow drip brew, your artisan blends, your trendy blends.

Go forth into your bean dream. Just please don’t judge me when I reach for a teaspoon of the freeze-dried stuff.

Addicted? More hits of coffee here (minus the caffeine):

Confession: “I spend $3650 per year on coffee, and I’m not sorry”. 

What your coffee order says about you.

8 reasons why I’d give up my own kids before giving up my daily coffee habit. 

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