I’ve studied the classics long and hard: House Bunny. Bad Neighbours 2. Bring It On. And of course, Legally Blonde.
Using these as a learning resource, I’ve discovered the following things:
1. All sorority members are white and blonde (with a token brunette for diversity).
2. All sorority houses are insanely luxurious.
3. All sororities are heinously competitive to enter.
4. If you become a lawyer to win back your ex-boyfriend Warner Huntington III and things aren't going that well in the courtroom, you can always win the judge over with your sorority ring.
Of course, a part of me always knew that those sweeping generalisations couldn't be true of the real world.
Except... they sort of are.
This week, the University of Texas' Instagram account uploaded a video for their Greek recruitment week (otherwise known as Rush Week).
In the video, which has since been removed, the identical (no, seriously, you cannot tell these women apart) sororities sisters stand in front of the closed (shiny, expensive) door of their sorority house.
From inside, the terrified screams and bangs of trapped freshman can be heard. As the noise grows to a crescendo, the identical sorority twins fling open the doors to reveal THOUSANDS MORE IDENTICAL SORORITY TWINS, all chanting a nonsensical chant that I assume translates to "save me from this hell".
If you peer closely into the depths of that image, you'll see that all these young women share a few common characteristics. They're all wearing white shorts. They all live in a house with STONE FLOORING AND CHANDELIERS. And they're all white and blonde (with a few token brunettes for diversity).
Need a close-up? Here you go.
We hope you enjoyed the first round of formal recruitment! PNMs: Remember that we have a convocation tomorrow morning at 11am to kick off the Philanthropy round. Upon dismissal, you will meet at your designated spot with your groups and recruitment counselors to receive your schedules! #texasupc #recruitment2016 -- Thank you @utaustinsfl for all of the amazing photos and videos!!
Naturally, the good people of the Internet weren't particularly happy with this state of affairs, and jumped on Twitter to ask where all the Texan people of colour had gone.
@universitycoop this is hell when u open the door and u see all the tortured souls reaching for help
— . (@gothsk8r) August 18, 2016
@universitycoop such diversity wow!!!
— Kodak Ki (@idkkiana) August 18, 2016
— John Yeatman (@jayeatman) August 18, 2016
In a statement to Mamamia, an ex-student of the University of Texas confirmed that sororities tend to be racially segregated.
"Sororities in Texas are generally all white, unless they're specifically a Black or Asian sorority. There are some non-white people occasionally but it's not the norm."
Not convinced? Check out this image of this year's University Pan-Hellenic council, which is intended to represent the different sororities from across campus.
Ah, America's diverse future is in great hands.
Oh, and as for being competitive to get into? At the University of Texas, over a thousand students apply for few as 200 spots.
Students are asked to start their application with a photo of themselves (of course) and a $100 non-refundable downpayment - and from there, the process of elimination begins.
While sororities at the University of Texas aren't allowed to "haze", they do have ways of narrowing down their decisions. One is to impose a "dress code" for each day of the selection process, with those who don't comply automatically pulled from the running.
The result? A terrifying line of identikit white girls roaming the streets of Texas.
Luckily for those who do make it, the professional benefits of being a member are legit. Most sororities have ex-members offering jobs to current or graduating members, and some Supreme Court judges are sorority girls. For real.
It seems Legally Blonde pretty much nailed it.
Just as I always suspected.
Watch this outrageous sorority recruitment video for Delta Gamma at the University of Miami:
Feature image via Instagram/@texaspanhellenic