Alright, Channel Ten. You’ve piqued my interest with hype, promos, and the hope that an A-list celebrity might get hepatitis in the jungle. Let’s do this.
Immediately awkward start with Julia Morris stuttering on ‘W..w..well, hello Australia.” Possibly just a ploy so that we can all appreciate that this is LIVE TELEVISION, PEOPLE. She is forgiven because she looks great. Her head does, at least. Can’t see her body because she is wearing animal print, as to blend in with all the jungleness.
There he is. Dr Chris Brown. Aka, the star of my vet-based fantasies. Dr Jawbone.
Chris and Juls are walking casually across a bridge. And then a hut. And then another bridge. Much unrehearsed and unscripted banter (lol, jokes. Totally scripted). It’s 9.30 a.m in… wherever they are. Africa. They explain the rules about taking celebrities and putting them in the jungle. Apparently, the celebs only get 800 calories a day. Pretty sure I had 800 calories for my pre-breakfast snack.
Here we go. Stock footage of South African sky. Sound of helicopters. Ride of the Valkyries playing for dramatic effect.
Actually can’t tell if they are real helicopters, or nine remote control helicopters filmed from afar. With Channel Ten’s budget, probably toy helicopters on strings. If they have actually hired ten helicopters, it is probably why they can only afford to feed the celebs 800 calories per day.
The basic rule is that the celeb who wins gets $100,000 for their favourite charity. Any of them can tap-out at any time by yelling ‘I’m a celebrity, get me outta here’, irrespective of how much of a celebrity they really are.
CELEBRITY ONE. It’s Leisel Jones. With so much eyelash that it’s hard to tell she is Leisel Jones. Take them off before swimming, Leisel, you might drown. But you look fancy.
CELEB TWO: Merv Hughes. That cricketer guy with the moustache. I know two things about him: He was a cricketer, and he has a moustache. But I definitely knew his name, so he earned his pay check.
CELEB THREE: Laura Dundovic. Introduces self as a model/presenter. I think she was Miss Australia at some point. Looks like Jen Hawkins. Oh, good. She has just explained that she was Miss Australia at some point.
CELEB FOUR: Andrew Daddo. I know two Daddos (is there more?) and he is not Cameron. I can’t remember which Daddo I know for which things. If he was the Daddo that hosted Great Outdoors for years, he probably has an unfair advantage in this game.
CELEB FIVE: Joel Creasey. “People know me as being that sassy guy, sitting on the end of comedy panel shows.” I don’t even know him as that much, but I immediately like him. Can tell he will be bitchy and funny, and probably cry at least twice.
CELEB SIX: Tyson Mayr. Who? “I’m a model and professional traveller.” I am not convinced. Also, I didn’t know you were allowed to call yourself a professional traveller if you aren’t on Getaway.
CELEB SEVEN: Lauren Brant. ‘Ex Hi-5’ is written under her name, which makes her sound like a spy. She used to be in Hi-5 and I think she posed for a men’s magazine this year. Perky, pretty, etc. Establishes herself as Class Genius immediately. “I don’t think I’ve slept completely under the stars, but I like skinny-dipping.”