real life

"I had a ridiculous fight with my period. Here's how it happened."

Period: SURPRISE.

Jessie: You serious right now?

Period: Yeah lol.

Jessie: I thought we weren’t speaking until at least the end of the month…? That’s what we discussed?

Period: Yeah but then you wore white jeans and I had to say something.

Watch the video playing above to see what would happen if your period was a person. 

LISTEN: A man has invented the perfect alternative to pads and tampons. Just glue your vagina shut! We discuss all the pros and, um, cons on Mamamia Out Loud. Post continues below. 

Jessie: How can you even tell? I’m actually genuinely interested.

Period: Oh – simple. Periods are attracted to the scent of white clothing and nice, preferably new, underwear. I’ve been trying to tell you that for years. We also had it drilled into us at Uni to always descend onto light surfaces and in public spaces. Keeps people on edge. It’s literally part of the course. So they’ll never forget about us, you know?

Jessie: BUT YOU WEREN’T EVEN DUE. I downloaded a f*cking app and everything. You’re such a troll.

Period: Meh, got bored.

A human depiction of my period.

Jessie: Well, I'm shitty about it.

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Period: Okay, well now it's my turn to say something. I feel like you're super nice when I'm not around, and then I turn up and you're pissed off. Like, what even is it about me? Does my voice annoy you? Have I done something? Remember that time when you thought you might have been pregnant and I was there for you? 

Jessie: Yes and I SAID THANK YOU for that. But to be honest it's your attitude. You're... well you're a bitch. You turn up uninvited to places all the time and you're clingy AF. The beach, parties, during sex that time. It's really rude. You punch me in the stomach as a joke. You say mean things and the stress makes my skin break out. And, look, I didn't want to say this... but you're a feeder.

Period: YOU SAID YOU WANTED IT.

I feel like this whole 'share and re-close' bullshit is really passive aggressive...

A post shared by Jessie Stephens (@jessiestephens90) on

Jessie: I DID. But you are always forcing chocolate down my throat. You're always talking about hot chips and lollies and chips, when I'm trying to eat healthily. You show your love through food and it's problematic.

Period: Okay. Fine. You think I want to be here? Sitting in your underpants for four days, or sometimes five... or six... ? It's boring and it's hot and it's sticky. I'm out.

Jessie: No. No don't do that. I don't want you to leave.

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Period: Nah, this is bullshit. I'm sorry if I like you. If sometimes I leave, and then a day later decide to come back because I missed you.

Jessie: Like... I guess that's... sweet?

Period: Yeah, sweet. Like rainbows... and puppies... and...

Jessie: No don't do this. Not now.

Period: And babies...

No. Please don't.

Jessie: WHY ARE THEIR FEET SO SMALL? WHY? THEY CAN'T WALK ON THEM. THEY'RE  SQUARE FOR GOODNESS SAKE. AND IT LOOKS LIKE THERE'S AN ELASTIC BAND AROUND THEIR ANKLE.

Period: There we go...

Jessie: THEIR CHEEKS. It always looks like they have food stored in them even when they don't... it's ridiculous. And their little beer bellies that they rub sometimes on their own accord. 

Period: Yes.. silly, cute baby... don't cry now. That would make you look crazy...

To see what your period would be like if they were a person, watch the video above. 

You can follow Jessie Stephens on Facebook, here

You can listen to the latest episode of Mamamia Out Loud, here. 

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