real life

Rosie's Top 20... Stuff that happens on Tinder that would NEVER be OK in real life.

Welcome to “Rosie’s Top 20…” A weekly list about whatever I think deserves a list. Because the internet does not have enough lists, and I’d like to do my part.

So this week, a guy in the US (a police officer, to be exact) was suspended from work after he decided to tell a co-worker he liked her by throwing his semen on her. He THREW his SEMEN on her. As a way to romance her, apparently.

Putting aside for a moment the fact that this is a clear incident of assault, I couldn’t help but immediately think that he had basically just done the real-life version of the kind of stuff guys say on Tinder all the time. Whether it’s sending a dick pic before even saying hello, or, indeed, trying to romance a potential Tinder date by informing her you’d like to throw semen on her, the courting standards on Tinder are way off-kilter. And with this disgusting semen-throwing story, it looks like Tinder ‘romancing’ techniques are seeping into the real world.

Can you imagine that? If guys started acting in the real world the way they act on Tinder? There’d be a dick in your face everywhere you turn.

Exactly.

So here: Rosie’s Top 20… Stuff that happens on Tinder that would NEVER be OK in real life. (And to be honest, isn’t okay on Tinder either, so please just stop being gross in all contexts kthnxbye.)

1. See woman you like in a bar. Introduce yourself by cupping your penis in your hand and proudly presenting it to her. If she does not appreciate your penis, scream at the top of your lungs that she is a ‘fat cunt bitch’.

2. See woman you like in a bar. Say hi. If she responds, immediately assume she is desperate to have sex with you and demand to see her nipples. Sit back and wait for her inevitable orgasm.

3. See woman you like in a bar. Walk up behind her and whisper in her ear that you are masturbating that very second. If she ignores you, do the exact same thing to the woman next to her.

4. See woman you like in a bar. Don’t say hello. Don’t introduce yourself. Just sit down at her table and tell her how much you’d like to feel her big toe up your bum hole.

5. See woman you like in a bar. Have a lovely 20-minute conversation with her, at which point you need to announce that you’ve invested enough time to deserve a peek at her vagina.

6. See woman you like in a bar. See more women you like in that bar. In fact, just like every woman in the bar and keep showing them all your penis. It’s a numbers game, after all.

7. See woman you like in a bar. Ask her about her hopes and dreams. Listen intently. When she asks you about yours, say “To have you riding my dick by the end of the night.” #ROMANCE

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8. See woman you like in a bar. Tell her you want to fuck and wait for the fun to begin, you smooth operator.

9. See woman you like in a bar. Buy her a drink. Wait for a break in conversation before asking if she’d let you snorkel in her crimson wave.

10. See woman you like in a bar. Say Hi. Get no response. Say hi again. Get no response. Call her a fucking ugly slut who deserves to die. If she finally responds and says she didn’t hear you, ask if she maybe wants to hang out sometime.

11. See woman you like in a bar. Shake her hand. Smile and say you just jerked off with those fingers.

12. See woman you like in a bar. Refuse to engage with her until she tells you about her pubic hair situation. Actually, just wear a sign around your neck that says “Bald Vag Only”. That should save time.

13. See woman you like in a bar. Stand in front of her and blow her mind with the impressive distance and sheer force of your semen as it explodes out of your penis.

14. See woman you like in a bar. Ask her what she does for a living. Cut her off mid-sentence and say you can’t concentrate because you’re just thinking about how much you want to bite her earlobe. Then show her your dick.

15. See woman you like in a bar. Tell her she has a pretty smile and that you’d love to see your pubes stuck in her teeth.

16. See woman you like in a bar. Tell her another woman just showed you her boobs, so if she wants a chance with you she’ll have to up the ante and show one or both bum cheeks.

17. See woman you like in a bar. Approach her and tell her that you’d love to get her off. When she responds that she’d love you to touch her clit, freak the fuck out and quickly google the word ‘clit’.

18. See woman you like in a bar. Ask her if the carpets match the drapes. Bask in the brilliance of your hilarious pick-up line and wait for her to undress.

19. See woman you like in a bar. Get a closer look at her face and tell her you’ll only fuck her from behind.

20. See a woman you like in a bar. Approach her and and introduce yourself. Ask her about her life and listen when she responds. See if she’d maybe like to meet up for a coffee some time. Struggle to understand when she thanks you for not taking your dick it out and shoving it in her face.

Oh what a world it would be.

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