It’s been a long week, you guys.
My husband is unnecessarily excited about seeing the new Star Wars film, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, which premieres world wide this week. He is anxiously preparing for its imminent release, including by buying copies of the original trilogy on DVD. According to him, these films defined a generation in many ways. Apparently me asking why I should have to go and see it, is like asking why I should have to go and see the Mona Lisa (another very good question).
There are couples everywhere faced with this very same conundrum. Where one party to the relationship has a love of all things Star Wars that is entirely disproportionate to the other party, whose interest is best described as ‘mild boredom’. To those individuals, I say this: I feel your pain and have put together a handy list of the 62 reasons I cannot go and see Star Wars with my husband. I hope that one or more of these helps you in keeping the remainder of 2015 Star Wars free.
If you happen to be a Star Wars person (or need some incentive to NOT see it) here is the trailer:
A list of reasons that I cannot watch Star Wars:
1. Because I do not enjoy science fiction, fantasy or make-believe plot lines. Unless it’s Harry Potter.
2. Because I already learned every relevant Star Wars pop-culture reference by watching The Simpsons.
3. Because it is only a week until Christmas and there are presents to wrap.
4. Because someone has to look after our baby and this is not baby-sitter worthy.
5. Because wouldn’t you prefer to go with a mate?
6. Because I am washing my hair that night.
7. No, I can’t do both because I am washing my hair multiple times that night.
8. No, sorry. It’s not negotiable. My hair takes priority over Ewoks.
9. Because I can never remember if it is light saver or light sabre and don’t wish to make a social faux pas in the queue.
10. Because the Luke character appears to be extremely whiny and annoying.
11. Besides, the whole world already knows what happens. *Spoiler alert: The black hooded bloke with the deep voice is Luke’s father.
12. Because I do not find it funny that people list their religion as ‘Jedi’ on the Census. The Census is a big deal and should be taken seriously.
13. No actually, I really like filling out the Census. I find it relaxing.
14. Because the house is messy and I need to tidy it.
Listen to Jam talk about her reasons on the latest episode of Mamamia OutLoud:
15. And yes, there is a first time for everything.
16. Because movie tickets are absurdly expensive
17. And so is all the food at the theatre. Seriously, who pays $22 for popcorn and watered down CocaCola.
18. Because there are likely to be long lines.
19. Because this movie is unlikely to be worth waiting in a long line for.
20. Because movie theatres are always too cold.
21. No, I cannot “just wear a jumper”.
22. Because I have spent too much time on my smart phone and the internet has shortened my attention span, so I cannot pay attention for the duration of a full feature length…. Oh look, a cupcake.
23. Because you’ve talked about it so much, it cannot possibly live up to the hype.
24. Because you will insist on whispering the back story to every character in my ear during the show and that may cause the premature end of our marriage.
25. Because I am really busy right now and it just sounds like such a magnificent piece of cinema that I would become instantly addicted and lose all my time to collecting miniature lego figurines.
26. Because while Princess Leia seems kind of fierce, I can’t bear to look at that awful hair.
27. Because of the budget deficit.
28. Just. The deficit. OKAY?
29. Because I have to work.
30. Because I have to work very, very, very late.
31. Because the feverish anticipation that surrounds this film isn’t about quality storytelling, it’s just a marketing ploy to make people buy exorbitant amounts of overpriced merchandise.
32. Because this is your special thing, babe. Your special thing.
33. Because I haven’t seen the other six films yet and watching them all sounds like the kind of sick torture they use in television shows about terrorists and captive soldiers.
34. Because all of the original trilogies fails the Bechdel Test. And can you promise me this will be any different?
35. Because I have the black lung.
36. Because I’ve got my period.
37. Because I already have plans that night.
38. Because I am making plans for that particular night.
39. Special, unbreakable plans.
40. Because I’ve already got ticket to Alvin and the Chipmunks, which comes out on the same day.
41. Because like so many real fans, I love the originals so much that I don’t want to taint them by ever watching these new-fangled modern versions.
42. And no, I can’t watch the old ones with you either. Sorry. It’s because I refuse to watch the non-original digitally remastered versions. I know they’ve been altered and it ruins the integrity of this phenomenal franchise.
43. Because The Force is already too strong in me. It would be dangerous to be exposed to more of it.
44. Because I am allergic to special effects.
45. Because I need new glasses.
46. I mean, because I might need to get glasses. For the first time.
47. Because we might be late and then I would miss the previews, which are my favourite part of the movies anyway.
48. Because Star Wars people scare me.
49. Because people talk about Star Wars like it’s a religious experience and I am easily led, so might inadvertently end up joining a cult.
50. Because anything that prompts grown men to dress up in kiddie costumes should be approached with extreme caution.
51. Because you’ve promised me I will enjoy watching movies before and they haven’t delivered.
52. Because outer space is boring.
53. Because if Meryl Streep and Cate Blanchett aren’t in it, then I’m not interested.
54. Because it’s important for couples to have independent hobbies and interests.
55. Because there might not be parking.
56. Because it’s too hot to catch the tram.
57. Because I need to stay in bed and have an existential crisis.
58. Because one size most definitely does not fit all.
59. Because intersectional feminism. Duh.
60. Because that was before my time. You forget that I am younger than you. This must be a generational rift thing… one of those generational rifts that plays out in a period of less than four years.
61. Because love means respecting each other’s deepest desires, no matter how opposed to our own belief systems they may be. And my deepest desire right now, is to avoid seeing Star Wars at all cost.