I'm not monogamous. Nor is my wife.

Andrew* writes:

I’m sitting at the bar on a glamorous cruise ship sipping my drink. Cruises, I had been told, were amazing places to meet women and at this very moment, my wingman was talking to a gorgeous brunette I‘d briefly flirted with earlier. The woman looks up and smiles alluringly at me and I know it’s done.

My wingman comes back to the table with the room key. And then plants a huge passionate kiss on my lips.

I should probably mention that my wingman is a woman.

My wife in fact.

And we’re on our honeymoon.

You see neither my wife nor I believe in monogamy. It’s right for some people but not for us.

As she bluntly puts it “getting married doesn’t strike you blind. You still look, still fantasise and sometimes want”.

Blunt has always been a theme with us.  When we met we were both highly sexual, with large libidos and a penchant for honesty that some would liken to a sledgehammer.  Two flirtatious hours into our first meeting she openly declared she liked me but didn’t want a relationship – just casual sex on call. She was even open about the fact she had another boy on the side.

So when we realised we had  – somewhere along the line – developed feelings for each other, we had to question exclusivity and how it was going to work for us.

And the answer was that it probably wouldn’t.

We could separate love and sex and recognised that even being madly in love wasn’t going to stop our eyes and minds wandering, particularly down the track.

We were – and still are incidentally – madly in love and protecting the relationship was our priority, which was why we had to discuss it. Quite simply, I was concerned that I would hurt her and sabotage a marriage with future lustful thoughts. After all, we hear stories about sex becoming boring in marriage all the time.

Thankfully, she shared some of the same concerns and we were able to discuss it openly and honestly as adults.

Neither of us liked the idea of possibly losing interest in sex or being locked into one flavour. She also pointed out that she loved not only the physical act but the flirting and chase as well, and didn’t want to feel guilty if she indulged in that, even if it didn’t lead to anything more.

We agreed we should have outlets, be open to opportunities and establish ground rules. The main rules were: any sex with others must always be safe, we both had to agree the partner was acceptable, no on-going sexual liaisons with that person: it’s a one-off, and the other person had to be present (this last rule has since changed but we started out with it).

So life and our merry sexual adventures continued unabated, even after the wedding. We’ve since had children, and still enjoy a healthy, swinging sex-life despite the inevitable fluctuations of libido and sleep.  Nowadays I’m a stay-at-home dad and the kids have certainly introduced different pressures on our life as a whole including our sex life but being able to be honest about it enables us to avoid the stresses becoming problem.

Our life isn’t the non-stop debauchery some expect but it is good, honest fun. We have attended swingers parties, used the web to meet other people, taken advantage of meeting people from the past who had piqued our sexual interest and propositioned people we’ve just met.

Through it all we’ve been open and honest and trusted each other completely. We haven’t bought insecurities into it. We accepted each other and it’s been an adventure we’ve shared rather than something just one of wants.

Trust, loyalty and a commitment to the happiness of both you and them. Isn’t that what you want in a wingman?

*The author of this post has asked that we don’t include his bio or photo but he will be happy to answer questions in comments.  Keep it respectful please, just like you always do.

Could you have an open relationship? Would you want one? Do you believe in monogamy ?