'My son was 5 years old when I overheard him mimicking the sound of a female orgasm.'

My son *Finn was five years old when I overheard him mimicking the sound of a female orgasm similar to those featured in pornography. 

It was school holidays, and he was playing handball with his eight-year-old brother and their friend on a handball court they’d drawn up on our front porch with rainbow chalk. 

I was sitting inside within ear-shot working at my desk, their competitive shrieks and lighthearted squabbles about the rules and politics of handball made me smile as I typed. 

Watch: The basics of sexual consent. Story continues below.

I love the endless energy and innocence of these little boys - always quick to laugh and full of unwarranted confidence and uncomplicated fun - so on this day; I was particularly smug. I’ve made it, I thought. 

The tricky sleepless nights and endless nappy changes are over, and I can finally sit here and take some time out for myself whilst my children play independently outside.

And then I heard it. The sound of a high-pitched, over dramatised orgasm crescendo which disturbingly sounded like it was coming from my youngest son. That’s the thing with parenting - the moment you think you’ve mastered it; another bigger challenge is almost always upon you. 

My fingers froze on the keyboard mid-sentence and my heart thundered in my chest - surely I didn’t just hear that? I listened carefully, straining to hear over the pounding of my heart, but my ears were met with muffled outbursts of laughter and hushed tones.

Like any younger sibling, Finn will do anything for the validation of his older brother and his friends. He’s constantly working on his five-year-old comedy repertoire and fine-tuning according to the reactions of his coveted audience. So you can only imagine how stoked he was with how well his female porn star impersonation was received. 

The muffled laughs continued, and he replayed his best joke again, this time louder and clear enough for the whole neighbourhood to hear. I wasn’t imagining it. 

Although I wanted to crawl into a hole and pretend this wasn’t happening, I took a deep breath, faked a breezy smile and casually walked outside into the handball arena.

"That was a funny sound you were making, Finn?" my tone, curious and carefree. My eight-year-old and his friend locked eyes and tried to stifle their laughs.

I laugh along then pause, "Wait... what are we laughing about?" I question with a warm smile, attempting to gauge their understanding and not jump to any conclusions.

More giggles and exchanges of looks.

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"Tell me, I’m a bit confused!?" I mask my horror with warmth and impartiality.

"It means... like... S.E.X," my sons' friend spells out the word with a coy smile. My own two children watch carefully for my reaction to gauge whether they are in trouble.

"Ohhhh sex!" I return, with a feigned sigh of relief to keep the conversation flowing. "Of course. Do you guys know what that means?" The tension clears a little when they realise they aren’t in trouble and S.E.X isn't a naughty word.

"It means, like, when you have a girlfriend," my eight-year-old returns with the same unwavering confidence he demonstrates on the handball court.

"Not quite..." I say. I am not prepared for this - my two children are five and eight. This was not in my plan. Wait, what plan? I don’t even have a plan for educating my children about sex yet, let alone porn.

Recent research with Australian teenagers conducted by Our Watch, a national organisation dedicated to the prevention of violence against women, found that 48 per cent of boys have seen porn before the age of 13. This is concerning and potentially damaging when many of them might not even have a comprehensive understanding of what sex is yet. 

The use of digital devices, social media, and streaming services such as Netflix and Disney Plus are almost universal amongst children and young people today, so it should not be surprising to learn that the average age when kids are first exposed to this content is also declining.

My kids don’t have digital devices at home. The closest my kids will get to their own iPad is the traditional TV which we only recently got to save our sanity during the pandemic. This is not an attempt at the parenting moral-high-ground, nor am I about to tell you that I actually play with my children instead of offering them iPads or phones because that’s not true, and I definitely don’t.

I share this in an attempt to eliminate the possibility of the thought that my son might have come across explicit content whilst unsupervised online or because we don’t have strict child safety settings for devices - both of which are very real possibilities and are often a parent's focus to keep their children safe online.

Children can come across inappropriate sexual content in a myriad of different ways, as I would come to learn. It’s important to note that exposure to porn at such a young age is often not intentional. Children may come across it through friends with older siblings, or even via a misplaced click whilst on the internet.

Our initial reaction as parents to this kind of research is to assess risks and remove our children from any form of exposure to these risks - and in many cases this is the appropriate action. However, what if we trusted our children (and ourselves) more? What if we empowered them with the age appropriate knowledge they need to think critically and evaluate information, content, and or situations for themselves?

Leading sexual consent educator, Dr Joy Townsend, suggests that conversations about sex should begin a lot earlier than parents have traditionally initiated in the past.

Read more: We asked a consent educator all your burning questions about teens and sex.

"Children are so wonderfully curious, and the younger a child is the less stigma and shame they will hopefully have attached to sexuality when it really counts. There is a saying within the sex education community, inspired by a free resource for Australian parents developed by WA Health, which is 'talk soon, talk often'.

"The earlier we engage with our children about conversations that may be potentially uncomfortable - like masturbation or pornography - the easier and more productive those conversations will be," Dr Townsend explains.

The information parents and grandparents have been provided with in the past about sex, porn, and consent is minimal at best and the advancement of technology can be tricky to keep on top of, so it’s understandable that parents and carers feel out of their depth navigating this unchartered space. There is no universal resource to suit all children and young people of a particular age group because family values, religion, and contextual knowledge are all factors which need to be considered before providing a child with information about sex.

No doubt the Federal Government's recent commitment to $83.5 million over six years towards consent and respectful relationships education is an excellent milestone, however best practice, according to UNESCO Technical Guidance on Sexuality Education still states that sex education for children and young people is most effective when it is reinforced with conversations at home.

After swiftly navigating around a direct conversation about sex on the handball court that day, I braced myself and asked Finn where he had heard the sounds he had been mimicking.

"The big boys make those sounds in lines for the bus after school," he offered matter-of-factly.

My children catch the bus to and from school with children from surrounding schools, aged 5 to 13. Often these children have phones or tablets supplied by parents encouraging them to sit quietly and safely on the bus for the 30-minute ride to and from school.

"Do they show you any pictures or videos on their phones?" I ask. His confused face says all I need to know. He has no idea what I’m talking about - he’d only heard older kids at school making these sounds and getting excellent reactions from other kids as a result. I exhale audibly in both relief and shock.

Read more: "Sex isn't a joke or some big shameful secret." How to have a conversation with your kids about sex.

Empowered by a week of 'post incident' research, my husband and I sat down with our kids and read them a selection of introductory books about sex. I had made up a myriad of excuses to avoid this situation and inwardly cringed as they both nestled in beside us on the lounge that evening.

No doubt, our eight-year-old rolled his eyes and giggled hysterically behind his hand at first, and his younger brother followed suit, but the experience was actually quite moving and empowering. 

As parents we openly and vulnerably shared our own values about sex, pleasure, sexuality, and consent with our children, which was followed by a series of hilarious questions and candid conversations. 

My eldest son asked if he was the oldest because his sperm was faster than his younger brothers (he’s clearly the competitive type). We corrected him and told him that we have had sex more than once, and that we still regularly have sex with protection to stop us from becoming pregnant. 

However, perhaps the most valuable part of this parenting experience was that these conversations we were so hesitant to have could now be regularly revisited and built upon throughout their journey to becoming young men.

It’s a child’s right to understand sexuality and how their body works and why, in a non-judgmental, safe, and trusting environment. It eliminates shame, stigma or confusion and it offers them a comprehensive understanding of themselves and their inner worlds. 

The reality is, if children are curious about sex, they are likely to look it up online or seek it out from friends or older children, so it pays to get in first. In my experience, it’s never too early.

Carly is a writer, student and sessional tutor at The University of Wollongong and University of New South Wales. She lives on the NSW south coast with her husband and two primary school aged boys, where most spare time is spent surfing and gardening.

*Name has been changed for privacy reasons.

Feature Image: Supplied.