"Don't be a d*ck." Comedian Georgie Carroll has a few things to say about mum guilt. 

I’m Georgie Carroll and I’m no parenting expert but I do know a lot about prisons, which is probably more useful if you don’t know how to parent.

Today, we are going to discuss parental guilt and how to avoid it, without feeling guilty.

Guilt – parents have it in abundance and it’s almost a complete waste of energy. I mean, if you never feel guilt at all you might well be a psychopath and that’s not great for kids either.

But let’s try and find some middle ground. A way in which you give your sprogs what they need without feeling like you are spreading yourself so thin that you could literally slide under their bedroom doors rather than knocking for permission to enter, as is what they want these days. Honestly, it’s like they think they are humans already.

The people of Reddit share their most cringeworthy moments, caused by their kids. Post continues below.

Expectations are high now with confidence, organisation, respect for others and the need to be a unique individual required as bare minimums in your sprogs’ character arsenal, despite the fact that you have only ever mastered perhaps two of these simultaneously yourself.

While you are at it, maintain your little ones at a socially acceptable weight, despite their growth spurts, hormones and their access to the biscuit cupboard while pulling overtime to pay for their FIFA points. If you can do all that Jamie Oliver will be so proud, he will quite literally shoot organic yogurt all over your pristine germ-free surfaces.

Here’s the kicker, you are meant to do all this while not arguing in front of the children or else be a single parent.

So, let’s look at ways you can cut yourself some slack without feeling like you let yourself, your family and – let’s not forget – the whole school down.

Talking of schools, assemblies – there’s hours of your life you never get back.

Tip 1: School assemblies

Now I’m not saying don’t go to assembly, I’m just saying don’t feel guilty about not getting to them all. The first few years are too cute miss. Some of the little squibs look like they fell out of the womb onto the plastic gym mats just this morning and when they find their little balls and start belting out stuttered monotone facts down the mic my heart could just about burst.

But really, after Year 4, give yourself permission to sit at home watching Sister Wives. You can make your kids think you went by asking somebody who did go what happened.

If your children really wanted you to come, they would up the production level. Like, would the odd aerial entry and a few pyrotechnics kill them? Well it might, but it might be worth it.

And while we’re at it, EDIT. I don’t need a collage, an acrostic poem AND a song about how milk comes from cows, we adults already know that bit. Teach us something new.

 

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???? Gelato Bellissimo xx ???? with the boy. #adelaide #comedy #treatyourself #summerscoming #georgiecarroll #nursegeorgie

A post shared by Georgie Carroll (@nurse_georgie_carroll) on Oct 31, 2018 at 10:33pm PDT

Tip 2: The Internet

Another way to minimise parental guilt – don’t click on any article that begins with something like “10 Things You Are Doing to Damage Your Kids”.

Tell you what, I can give you more than 10 ways children damaged my you know what. The single largest internet threat in your household is not pervs, it is pious bloggers grooming you into believing you are worthless because you didn’t ask your newborn to consent when you wiped its bum.

And don’t limit computer time, dem kids need IT skills. They are the ones who will be paying for your virtual nursing home in bitcoin.

Tip 3: Don’t be a d*ck

Support each other. Don’t say any of the following to anyone you don’t know very well: “Mine wouldn’t dare’’ or “Hidden sugars’’ or “Never had the police around’’.

Well done and all, I’m sure your kids are splendid but hold your pride lightly, it can be quite corrosive to people that aren’t winning this week.

And if you do happen to be snipered by one of these sound bite bullets, take some “me time”. Have a relaxing bath, light some candles and centre. Imagine whoever said those things is sat on a chair in front of you, and then imagine you have another chair, and then imagine lightly beating them with it. They will not fight back, they are imaginary – and you are naked.

And if no one told you, you smashed it out the park today, even if you feel like you messed it all up. That bit this morning where you got a 10 month old to eat hummus, exemplary.

Nobody does it better and if anybody tells you that they do, just… just the bath thing again.

Born and raised in Manchester, England; now a proud Australian, Georgie Carroll is a comedian, nurse, wife and mother.  You can see more from Georgie here.

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