Here’s the thing about kids: they are assholes.
They don’t care about you. As long as you are meeting their ransom demands, the rest of your life is irrelevant.
And in the event that you are not meeting aforementioned demands — let’s say you make soup for dinner and they “HATE THIS STUPID SOUP WITH THE STUPID CARROTS,” and think you are actually “THE WORST COOKER EVER OF ALL COOKERS” — you’re probably going to either A. Get screamed at, B. End up wearing the soup, C. Get kicked in the shin, or D. All of the above, plus pooped on.
And there you have it; Act of Assholery #1: Mealtime Mayhem
The struggle is real.
Act of Assholery #2: Bathtime Shenanigans
Giving your 2- and 4-year-old a bath is like bathing a couple of thrashing Loch Ness Monsters. A standard bath just isn’t enough for them. Case in point: While trying to wash breakfast’s — now solid — yogurt out of the 2-year-old’s hair, the 4-year-old decides now would be a great time to test the laws of physics by standing on the bathtub edge, thus falling into said bathtub and subsequently A. Whacking their now brain-damaged head on the back of the tub, and B. Attempting to drown the 2-year-old in a tsunami of shampoo water.
Act of Assholery #3: Mealtime Misery
Let’s say it’s 7 p.m. on a Thursday night. All you can think about is watching Grey’s Anatomy Season 8, Episode 1. Because hello, is Christina going to get an abortion? And, yeah, the show is on Season 12, but it’s taken you four years to get from Season 6 to Season 8.
You are exhausted because your asshole 4-year-old woke you up at 2 a.m. because they wanted to take their shirt off/pee/have water/tell you about the dream they had about Disneyland/ask you where the sun goes at night. And even after the 2 a.m. slap in the face, you worked all day and then did two loads of laundry and picked up both cat barf AND dog poop and cooked and served dinner to them (Bonus Assholery: Your partner is not home to help; the natives sense your weakness).